Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the... - FML

By kingpig - 2/2/2012 18:00 - Sweden

Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML

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All for nothing

Tense

Boom, headshot

By Anonymous - 16/3/2019 16:00

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

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By day001313 - 7/4/2012 04:32 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By dgordo3 - 9/2/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

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By datingamoron - 14/2/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

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By thefrightening1 - 5/9/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2014 03:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

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By lmastr64 - 8/10/2010 10:31 - France

Today, I sit here in agonizing pain because of a scoliosis surgery. I have a bunch of painkillers that I need to suppress this incredible back pain. Looks like I can't take any. My mom has hidden them from me because she THINKS I need to be taken off them. I wish my doctor were here. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 11:23 - Sweden

Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. FML

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By twit - 16/3/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

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By t-dawg - 9/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By Jessica - 23/3/2013 19:00 - United States - Brighton

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By nice one - 30/8/2012 15:24

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By Deadpool434 - 19/10/2014 19:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent". I got pranked by myself. FML

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By Confused - 23/3/2012 15:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML

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By rebeccaremily - 4/10/2009 07:03 - Canada

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

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By get a grip, son - 30/5/2014 20:37 - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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By lrgenesis - 4/2/2012 08:13 - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

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By kqwarrior - 27/6/2016 03:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

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By BDSM4Jesus - 20/1/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2015 07:46

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

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By ardenm - 12/2/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML

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By mitsuko045 - 10/8/2010 00:33 - Ireland

Today, after moving into my new house, I agreed to let my house mates have a house warming on the condition it be a small one, as I have exams all day that day and one that I can't fail on the very next morning. The facebook event guest list now has 100+ confirmed guests. FML

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By dvddtraveller - 22/4/2016 21:25 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

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By maconda99 - 6/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, I was ringing up a lady and her daughter at the shoe store I work at. The background on my nametag is a rainbow, and when the daughter saw it, she asked her mother why it was so. Her mother looks at my nametag, then me, then turns to her daughter and says "Because he hates God honey". FML

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By jriese444 - 23/12/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By thermos - 3/2/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

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By ManagerWithoutRespect - 5/12/2016 05:14 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

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By - 27/1/2017 04:00

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

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By krisest1988 - 7/5/2016 21:34 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home from a two week vacation and told me I need to move. FML

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By nana - 19/5/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

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By Wet Britches - 24/11/2016 01:32 - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

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By MegaZeo - 1/1/2015 00:29 - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - 8/8/2013 13:13 - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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Top comments

By Blackmail111 | 9

#3983458 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:40

Comes back when you leave*
I got you a car made of pure gold honey! Surpr- Hey where did she go?!?!?

By sugaryspice | 5

#3983456 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:40

What a jerk!

COMMENTS

By TheFunnyzach | 3

#3983441 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:39

Cool story bro

By dancer050 | 0

#3983442 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:39

Ouch...

Reply

fthislyfe | 22

#3983765 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:23

It's totally OK if he didn't like her but at least he should have the guts to say it like a real man but he chickened out like a little bitch.

Reply

lolatyofail | 0

#3983832 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:33

I'm a dude and I completely agree that's just wrong he atleast could've done that and payed the bill

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#3983907 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:45

This FML made me sad. What a cruel soul.

Reply

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#3983997 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:00

Put sulfuric acid down his throat. :)

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#3984277 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:37

What a douche bag. Sorry OP hey I'm single if you want to visit the states :)

Reply

effedml | 5

#3984411 - Friday 3 February 2012 1:15

This was so sad. I'm sorry he was so immature, OP.

Reply

bri_maselli | 0

#3984763 - Friday 3 February 2012 2:27

That deserves a kick to the dick..

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#3984850 - Friday 3 February 2012 2:47

Actually getting kicked in the dick wouldn't hurt as much as a kick to the balls. Kick em hard enough and they could need a wheelchair.

Reply

AyeTee77 | 18

#3984977 - Friday 3 February 2012 3:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ibelieb6 | 0

#3985072 - Friday 3 February 2012 3:38

These type of FML's make me sad :( what an asshole!

Reply

bri_maselli | 0

#3985136 - Friday 3 February 2012 3:52

But still, it's your dick.. That's like giving a nice warm kick to your pride and ego (;

Reply

burtonbullet | 10

#3985319 - Friday 3 February 2012 4:46

139-actually, balls really do hurt more. It isn't the actual kick pain, it's the half hour or nausea and severe stomach pains that get ya.

Reply

bri_maselli | 0

#3985418 - Friday 3 February 2012 5:13

I see what you're saying (: although, it would still be a unique story to tell. " dude, you wouldn't believe that the bitch gave me a swift kick to the dick.." not many can say they've had a dick kick :0 haha

Reply

ferrettamer | 6

#3985622 - Friday 3 February 2012 6:13

Am I the only one who thought the surprise was roofies?

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#3985729 - Friday 3 February 2012 6:53

Now wait a second. What if he really did go to get something but something happened and she just left? What if he went back and she wasnt there?

Reply

periwinkle95 | 10

#3985747 - Friday 3 February 2012 6:58

I don't understand how anybody in the world could ever deserve this. That is just so sad. OP, you will find true love. Trust me.

For the rest of the douches like that guy: Fuck them all.

Reply

SOD_sonofdixie | 5

#3985805 - Friday 3 February 2012 7:20

This sounds like its coming from someone with experience... OP should listen

Reply

MrsUresti | 8

#3985840 - Friday 3 February 2012 7:36

Yeah right

Reply

smr167 | 6

#3988621 - Saturday 4 February 2012 0:04

OP is a dude; dine-n-dasher is straight. Fix your gaydar, OP!

Reply

dancer050 | 0

#3989867 - Saturday 4 February 2012 2:55

Yes

Reply

kionnaloves | 11

#3990102 - Saturday 4 February 2012 4:01

OP is a woman fucktard

Reply

allenye818 | 2

#3991291 - Saturday 4 February 2012 9:57

At least you resisted the urge to call him & ask what was taking so long.

By tr0llz0r | 0

#3983452 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:40

Surprise! You got dinner for one.

Reply

wironandine | 8

#3983929 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:47

$500 number 3 is a virgin.

Reply

moop256 | 10

#3984007 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:02

I thought it was going to be a dick in a box ;)

Reply

Justin23L | 2

#3984136 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:15

Nope, he's just a dick.

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#3984860 - Friday 3 February 2012 2:49

63 So by that comment you can infer that #3 has never had sex? You should be a detective, Sherlock.

Reply

JurassicHole | 5

#3987352 - Friday 3 February 2012 17:40

$2 and some pocket lint says 63 has no sense of humor and is a douche. Any takers on that bet?

By sugaryspice | 5

#3983456 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:40

What a jerk!

Reply

DrMime | 10

#3983902 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:44

A 'jerk' indeed! Especially the way he ran 'off' like that. I wonder what kind of action he gets, treating women this way?

Reply

TomHarrow | 5

#3984032 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:05

59-win

Reply

hypuuurness | 6

#3984381 - Friday 3 February 2012 1:06

58- hahaha :D

Reply

satanrox | 0

#3985385 - Friday 3 February 2012 5:05

Disagreed

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3985430 - Friday 3 February 2012 5:17

51 i dislike you very much.

Reply

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3986419 - Friday 3 February 2012 12:07

this sounds like it should be a Smiths song

By Blackmail111 | 9

#3983458 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:40

Comes back when you leave*
I got you a car made of pure gold honey! Surpr- Hey where did she go?!?!?

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#3983819 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:31

"Oh well, I'll just give it to the next girl I see. Hey you, over there!"

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3983986 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:57

"Who me?"

Reply

BrickWalls | 2

#3984295 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:44

White Vans are fugly.

Reply

FiestaInMyPants | 8

#3984342 - Friday 3 February 2012 0:53

90 - Pedobear does not approve of your comment.

Reply

Yak99 | 0

#3985061 - Friday 3 February 2012 3:35

90- with that attidude you're not getting any camdy!

Reply

elbia21 | 5

#3985158 - Friday 3 February 2012 4:00

No! Me no get camdy? :( ah thats fine I'll settle for candy :)

By GrahamAker | 3

#3983460 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:40

That's mean.. But hey they Call them crushes because you just get crushed at the end.…

Reply

Awesomeelliot | 11

#3983690 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:13

No they dont

Reply

freakinglaugher | 10

#3985651 - Friday 3 February 2012 6:20

*crushes 38 with hammer*

Reply

efro4472 | 1

#3987408 - Friday 3 February 2012 17:59

Gtfo you are retarded. I agree with 38

By UrNuckinFuts | 0

#3983462 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:41

Sorry op. So people are just filled with pure hatred.

By Jakesterk96 | 8

#3983463 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:41

Wow, what an ass. Who would go to dinner with someone and just leave their date?

Reply

xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#3983746 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:21

That guy apparently.

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#3983900 - Thursday 2 February 2012 23:44

It was more of a rhetorical question but thanks for stating the obvious. :)

By ljbgamer | 1

#3983465 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:41

Aww why did you wait so long?

Reply

ryanross | 11

#3984816 - Friday 3 February 2012 2:39

OP probably really liked him. I know if I went on a date with a crush, I wouldn't give up after 10 minutes of him/her not coming back. Must really suck though, I'm sorry OP.

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#3985755 - Friday 3 February 2012 6:59

But he could have been trying to surprise her with a gift. What if he forgot it and went to get it. When he comes back shes gone.

Reply

ljbgamer | 1

#3986930 - Friday 3 February 2012 16:05

Maybe, I just can't believe she waited so long

By batummshakalaka | 1

#3983467 - Thursday 2 February 2012 22:41

Boo.
But it was a surprise...

Reply

SOD_sonofdixie | 5

#3985821 - Friday 3 February 2012 7:26

You're the kind of dicks that give us gentlemen a bad name.. Good luck in the future.. You're gonna need it