Miscellaneous: Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling... - FML

By HAIL SITHIS - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29923

You deserved it

3220

Tweet

Share

Walk on the wild side

Instadrama

Mom of the year

By stillhave2years - United States

Today, for the fourth time this week, I witnessed my mother dancing around the house naked. Apparently, she is loosening up her "inner nudist" and isn't planning on stopping any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45165

You deserved it

3657

Tweet

Share

By SophieGray - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38777

You deserved it

5045

Tweet

Share

By B1N

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1874

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34002

You deserved it

2348

Tweet

Share

By Dana

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1555

You deserved it

3308

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1588

You deserved it

93

Tweet

Share

By not my bf anymore - United States

Today, I found out that my new boyfriend is a "Men's Rights Activist". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22508

You deserved it

7515

Tweet

Share

By Anonymouss - United States

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26322

You deserved it

1960

Tweet

Share

By evenmybodyhatesme - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16380

You deserved it

1238

Tweet

Share

By jwhizzle - Australia

Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29153

You deserved it

3014

Tweet

Share

By NotoriousSRJ - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35845

You deserved it

4281

Tweet

Share

By ugh - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32917

You deserved it

5070

Tweet

Share

By Meg

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2986

You deserved it

553

Tweet

Share

By baller12 - United States

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10217

You deserved it

38259

Tweet

Share

By iliketurtles - United States

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63177

You deserved it

7717

Tweet

Share

By caltech - United States - San Jose

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31041

You deserved it

2071

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51624

You deserved it

7419

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Ottersum

Today, I got a heads-up that my boss suffered a death in the family, but was coming into work anyway. I thought he'd be depressed, but it seems he deals with grief with anger instead. I found that out when he yelled at me, threatening to rip my spine out my ass over a typo I made in a report. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19804

You deserved it

1380

Tweet

Share

By get me out of this house! - United States

Today, my grandma begins her second week of unemployment. So far, she has paced outside my door, randomly comes into my room, and I woke up this morning to find a bible on my bed. I now look forward to going to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38493

You deserved it

3603

Tweet

Share

By notsohappy - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

I agree, your life sucks

118611

You deserved it

11042

Tweet

Share

By docwinters - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44074

You deserved it

4969

Tweet

Share

By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2020

You deserved it

260

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

And you like him why exactly?

Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

246

Tweet

Share

By Vlad

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2941

You deserved it

281

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38607

You deserved it

3174

Tweet

Share

By full of losses - United States

Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4403

You deserved it

412

Tweet

Share

By Eggs - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42006

You deserved it

3130

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32835

You deserved it

2480

Tweet

Share

By singlesoon - Canada

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40634

You deserved it

7108

Tweet

Share

By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15997

You deserved it

37912

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47085

You deserved it

5957

Tweet

Share

By Just wanted a cigarette - United States - Lagrangeville

Today, I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. My wife, who didn't want me to get them, decided it would be a good idea to jump on the hood of the car while I was driving off. She hit the car and fell off. My neighbor saw this. Neither her nor the cops believe me when I say I didn't hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26020

You deserved it

4825

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my grandpa died. I decided to call my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit: "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

I agree, your life sucks

51621

You deserved it

25831

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1143

You deserved it

620

Tweet

Share

By madaskueuchiha - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68699

You deserved it

3868

Tweet

Share

By kbeavv - United States

Today, I read my mom's Facebook status. It said, "So sick of kids, can't wait for Vegas this week!" My dad, along with 12 others, liked it. I didn't even know she was going to Vegas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29871

You deserved it

4779

Tweet

Share

By Dave - United States

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33710

You deserved it

3760

Tweet

Share

By BlueyedKat - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20194

You deserved it

2574

Tweet

Share

By WTF - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52813

You deserved it

24470

Tweet

Share

By DesDri - Canada

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45411

You deserved it

4914

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Hildy93 | 21

#6360641 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:43

Can you do a follow up and tell us the joke??

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

COMMENTS

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6360642 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:44

Seriously, what was the joke?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6360676 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:20

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360719 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:17

Well, maybe he has known OP and always thought that she was a moron and that joke pushed him over the edge.

Reply

blakeyboy22 | 12

#6360833 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:12

That's a rather large assumption from this FML

Reply

Zebediabolical | 38

#6361291 - Saturday 25 July 2015 22:47

It depends on the joke. What if someone's best joke is a holocaust joke to a jewish person? What if it's a rape joke to someone who's been raped? Would that make a difference or is he still an asshole?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6361430 - Sunday 26 July 2015 1:37

If your best joke is about the holocaust or about rape, then you're an asshole.

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6361962 - Sunday 26 July 2015 16:12

If someone told you a joke you found offensive, would your first thought be to do a massive arsehole show of finding it hilarious or would you just quickly take your leave?

Reply

RustlingSoul | 26

#6367691 - Saturday 1 August 2015 0:29

Sreew him?

By HurleyX21 | 17

#6360617 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

He's the idiot for doing that, screw that guy.

By DragonDude | 24

#6360618 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Safe to say you dodged a bullet.

By rieebee | 23

#6360619 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Saved you finding out he's a jerk later on, at least he could have been polite about it. What a dick.

By A_Net_70 | 7

#6360620 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Awwww what a jerk good thing you found out his true colors right away! Don't worry you will find your one :)

By Ley135 | 20

#6360622 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

I seriously can't believe half the things I read on this app. People are so cruel to one another. Screw him, Op. You'll find someone who loves your jokes and you even more.

By chrisbeaudoin | 26

#6360623 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Lol

By TheGamingNirvana | 18

#6360624 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

The guy did what you DON'T do during a date.

By DeuceDeuce | 16

#6360627 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

What was the joke?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6361761 - Sunday 26 July 2015 9:03

Maybe OP used the old arrow to the knee joke.

By DestinysChampion | 17

#6360633 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:40

That's actually really rude of him. I'm sorry OP. Onto better men!

Reply

josef_connolly | 14

#6360794 - Saturday 25 July 2015 12:05

Very rude indeed