Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling... - FML

By HAIL SITHIS - 24/7/2015 18:54 - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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Not a cheating!

Lockdown is driving us down

Vicious and unprovoked

By oooops - 24/1/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By fuckthat - 18/2/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By lillymean - 3/2/2012 01:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

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By lohandork - 22/5/2016 17:33 - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By caughtorangehanded - 1/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

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By Wwiimaniac - 25/6/2012 14:05 - United States - Dallas

Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 06:00

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By kk - 25/6/2011 19:41 - United States

Today, the man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

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By bill - 28/11/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By blackntangirl - 18/7/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

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By Stupid Drunk - 22/12/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML

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By leez - 1/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

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By pinpin - 13/11/2008 11:39 - France

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

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By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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By Michelle - 4/8/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, I turned on my boyfriend's computer and saw pictures of all of my credit cards, front and back, and several of my parent's credit cards. I looked in his e-mail and found receipts for items which had been billed to me and delivered to him, including golf clubs and my birthday gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 11:22 - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

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By mrosewrosem - 24/10/2018 15:30

Today, I had a lovely gluten-free pizza out at a local restaurant. After I'd finished, they informed me it wasn't in fact gluten-free. I am Celiac and this means I will be ill for the next six weeks. FML

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By szinna - 7/6/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 16:01 - United States - Orange

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

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By oh_mylanta - 2/3/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, I came to work, to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

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By Annabelle - 5/7/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 14:06 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

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By gonkc - 4/3/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By forgottenbday - 11/7/2012 05:09 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

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By distressed - 5/11/2010 23:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 19:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By nopleasestopmother - 2/5/2014 23:03 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

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By inpain14 - 13/5/2020 05:00

Headache

Today, I learned that one of the reasons I may be getting migraines every day is because I subconsciously clench my jaw a lot due to stress. To try and have it hurt less, I’ve gone back to wearing my plastic retainer during the day, but it makes my gag reflux act up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 13:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

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By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

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By grosssss - 1/1/2010 13:03 - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

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Top comments

By Hildy93 | 21

#6360641 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:43

Can you do a follow up and tell us the joke??

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

COMMENTS

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6360642 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:44

Seriously, what was the joke?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6360676 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:20

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360719 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:17

Well, maybe he has known OP and always thought that she was a moron and that joke pushed him over the edge.

Reply

blakeyboy22 | 12

#6360833 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:12

That's a rather large assumption from this FML

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#6361291 - Saturday 25 July 2015 22:47

It depends on the joke. What if someone's best joke is a holocaust joke to a jewish person? What if it's a rape joke to someone who's been raped? Would that make a difference or is he still an asshole?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6361430 - Sunday 26 July 2015 1:37

If your best joke is about the holocaust or about rape, then you're an asshole.

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6361962 - Sunday 26 July 2015 16:12

If someone told you a joke you found offensive, would your first thought be to do a massive arsehole show of finding it hilarious or would you just quickly take your leave?

Reply

RustlingSoul | 26

#6367691 - Saturday 1 August 2015 0:29

Sreew him?

By HurleyX21 | 17

#6360617 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

He's the idiot for doing that, screw that guy.

By DragonDude | 24

#6360618 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Safe to say you dodged a bullet.

By rieebee | 23

#6360619 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Saved you finding out he's a jerk later on, at least he could have been polite about it. What a dick.

By A_Net_70 | 7

#6360620 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Awwww what a jerk good thing you found out his true colors right away! Don't worry you will find your one :)

By Ley135 | 20

#6360622 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

I seriously can't believe half the things I read on this app. People are so cruel to one another. Screw him, Op. You'll find someone who loves your jokes and you even more.

By chrisbeaudoin | 26

#6360623 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Lol

By TheGamingNirvana | 18

#6360624 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

The guy did what you DON'T do during a date.

By DeuceDeuce | 16

#6360627 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

What was the joke?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6361761 - Sunday 26 July 2015 9:03

Maybe OP used the old arrow to the knee joke.

By DestinysChampion | 17

#6360633 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:40

That's actually really rude of him. I'm sorry OP. Onto better men!

Reply

josef_connolly | 14

#6360794 - Saturday 25 July 2015 12:05

Very rude indeed