Miscellaneous: Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling... - FML

By HAIL SITHIS - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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Serious times

Friend's best friend

Deception

By dammitt - United States

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

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By Colton - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

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By Nanda - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

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By sweet pea - Canada - Red Lake

Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML

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By :/

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

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By Fabio - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

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By bym5052 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

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By Nogood - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

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By doggylove - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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By drreeeewwww - United States - Salem

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

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By brentkd - United States

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

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By meghandix89 - United States

Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By Justkillme

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

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By seriouslylife?

Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as baggers. This is totally awesome and I love the practice, but this autistic bagger yelled out the name of every product he bagged, including "TAMPONS!" and "CONDOMS!" One of my middle school students was in the next checkout line videoing it. FML

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By razzmataz - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By what the FUCK - United States - Midlothian

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

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By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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By college student - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

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By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By C. Kronick - United States

Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML

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By pdub523 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

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By pacificbeach - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 01:02 - Chile - Santiago

Not you

Today, I avoided checking Facebook because I didn't want to see all the Halloween parties involving my friends that I didn't get invited to. FML

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By brizzle - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

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By post-loss

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By Smile - France

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

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By ugamayne - United States

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

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By no good deed... etc

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

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By jeanrose2013 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML

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By nosleep - Australia

Today, in the middle of the night, my fiancé started yelling gibberish in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he punched me square in the face. FML

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Top comments

By Hildy93 | 21

#6360641 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:43

Can you do a follow up and tell us the joke??

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

COMMENTS

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6360642 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:44

Seriously, what was the joke?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6360676 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:20

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360719 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:17

Well, maybe he has known OP and always thought that she was a moron and that joke pushed him over the edge.

Reply

blakeyboy22 | 12

#6360833 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:12

That's a rather large assumption from this FML

Reply

Zebediabolical | 39

#6361291 - Saturday 25 July 2015 22:47

It depends on the joke. What if someone's best joke is a holocaust joke to a jewish person? What if it's a rape joke to someone who's been raped? Would that make a difference or is he still an asshole?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6361430 - Sunday 26 July 2015 1:37

If your best joke is about the holocaust or about rape, then you're an asshole.

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6361962 - Sunday 26 July 2015 16:12

If someone told you a joke you found offensive, would your first thought be to do a massive arsehole show of finding it hilarious or would you just quickly take your leave?

Reply

RustlingSoul | 26

#6367691 - Saturday 1 August 2015 0:29

Sreew him?

By HurleyX21 | 17

#6360617 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

He's the idiot for doing that, screw that guy.

By DragonDude | 24

#6360618 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Safe to say you dodged a bullet.

By rieebee | 23

#6360619 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Saved you finding out he's a jerk later on, at least he could have been polite about it. What a dick.

By A_Net_70 | 7

#6360620 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Awwww what a jerk good thing you found out his true colors right away! Don't worry you will find your one :)

By Ley135 | 20

#6360622 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

I seriously can't believe half the things I read on this app. People are so cruel to one another. Screw him, Op. You'll find someone who loves your jokes and you even more.

By chrisbeaudoin | 26

#6360623 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Lol

By TheGamingNirvana | 18

#6360624 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

The guy did what you DON'T do during a date.

By DeuceDeuce | 16

#6360627 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

What was the joke?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6361761 - Sunday 26 July 2015 9:03

Maybe OP used the old arrow to the knee joke.

By DestinysChampion | 17

#6360633 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:40

That's actually really rude of him. I'm sorry OP. Onto better men!

Reply

josef_connolly | 14

#6360794 - Saturday 25 July 2015 12:05

Very rude indeed