Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling... - FML

By HAIL SITHIS - 24/7/2015 18:54 - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29886

You deserved it

3214

Tweet

Share

Family values

Call CPS!

Great boyfriend

By Firequeen - 21/11/2016 21:44

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11248

You deserved it

990

Tweet

Share

By lonerjik - 19/1/2011 12:05 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29991

You deserved it

10709

Tweet

Share

By Armstrong - 18/4/2015 23:55 - United States - Brownsville

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31424

You deserved it

3440

Tweet

Share

By Geemeisters - 8/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21950

You deserved it

1807

Tweet

Share

By Takuma - 20/5/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a few of my friends, including an old ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend of 5 years. When my ex, whose virginity I had taken years earlier, mentioned, "I had the iPhone first," without thinking, I immediately responded, "Well, I had YOU first." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21506

You deserved it

94803

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 23:58 - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45711

You deserved it

4018

Tweet

Share

By fml_anon - 19/3/2016 08:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16954

You deserved it

4169

Tweet

Share

By tina - 17/8/2010 12:30 - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41040

You deserved it

4080

Tweet

Share

By shinra - 18/7/2018 20:30

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3313

You deserved it

271

Tweet

Share

By exalia - 7/5/2012 20:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally bought a car, after saving up for a year. My dealer had told me it was a good buy, so I snapped it up then and there. On the way home, the rear axle practically fell out of the car due to frame rot. My dealer wants to buy the car back at half the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13011

You deserved it

30137

Tweet

Share

By Single forever I guess - 30/9/2018 05:00

Today, after months of hurtful and derogatory remarks from matches, I had to add the line "Not trans, just ugly." to my Tinder bio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3860

You deserved it

302

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29410

You deserved it

3419

Tweet

Share

By fuck_thisshit - 9/11/2009 10:27 - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

I agree, your life sucks

16264

You deserved it

53616

Tweet

Share

By Stung - 19/6/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46969

You deserved it

6692

Tweet

Share

By Celina - 11/1/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9480

You deserved it

40420

Tweet

Share

By H05T1L3 - 4/6/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I woke up at 10:30 feeling great and saying to myself, "Thank goodness it's the weekend!" I then realized it's Friday and I missed my final. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20863

You deserved it

37069

Tweet

Share

By iamsolid - 20/10/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25801

You deserved it

1722

Tweet

Share

By Betrayed - 27/8/2012 06:11 - United States

Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29994

You deserved it

2390

Tweet

Share

By Keisha - 10/10/2019 00:01

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1764

You deserved it

87

Tweet

Share

By - 25/2/2020 14:00

Knock out

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1504

You deserved it

313

Tweet

Share

By Poorfish - 17/3/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

50796

You deserved it

29851

Tweet

Share

By King.Dick. - 2/4/2015 14:21 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30921

You deserved it

2956

Tweet

Share

By - 20/1/2017 09:25

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4966

You deserved it

2156

Tweet

Share

By Notakidpusher - 24/11/2015 03:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24981

You deserved it

1408

Tweet

Share

By catsonuincorns - 15/4/2018 06:00 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4390

You deserved it

221

Tweet

Share

By redneckpunk - 16/3/2015 19:15 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31550

You deserved it

2628

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 06:09 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, I met my boyfriend's adoptive family. There was his mom and several brothers, one of whom tried to hit on me. They tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me, and his mom told me I'll probably get knocked up by the brother who hit on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50340

You deserved it

4032

Tweet

Share

By cantprovenothing - 18/4/2014 21:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28492

You deserved it

48195

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25234

You deserved it

2053

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 02:07 - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28306

You deserved it

2459

Tweet

Share

By cookiecutter8 - 6/11/2015 17:15 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

I agree, your life sucks

25088

You deserved it

1662

Tweet

Share

By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4118

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By applesmama - 17/9/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30358

You deserved it

4653

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 23:26 - United States

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22304

You deserved it

1326

Tweet

Share

By hahasuckit - 25/12/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled "Yeah right." in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31241

You deserved it

5273

Tweet

Share

By Jololol - 17/5/2013 09:25 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51072

You deserved it

3293

Tweet

Share

By goodbyefriend - 21/8/2012 16:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29338

You deserved it

5985

Tweet

Share

By kaitiem224 - 22/10/2015 02:52 - United States - Pratt

Today, my boyfriend of one year and seven months left me for not wanting to have a baby yet. I'm seventeen years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30845

You deserved it

2831

Tweet

Share

By kibblegirl - 6/6/2019 00:01

Today, I was so hungry that my mouth started watering during a dog food commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1367

You deserved it

252

Tweet

Share

By sucks - 12/3/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

294257

You deserved it

53808

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Hildy93 | 21

#6360641 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:43

Can you do a follow up and tell us the joke??

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

Comments

By aliezzo | 19

#6360616 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

What an asshole. Screw him he doesn't deserve you op.

Reply

Nessco | 36

#6360642 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:44

Seriously, what was the joke?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6360676 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:20

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360719 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:17

Well, maybe he has known OP and always thought that she was a moron and that joke pushed him over the edge.

Reply

blakeyboy22 | 12

#6360833 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:12

That's a rather large assumption from this FML

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#6361291 - Saturday 25 July 2015 22:47

It depends on the joke. What if someone's best joke is a holocaust joke to a jewish person? What if it's a rape joke to someone who's been raped? Would that make a difference or is he still an asshole?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6361430 - Sunday 26 July 2015 1:37

If your best joke is about the holocaust or about rape, then you're an asshole.

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6361962 - Sunday 26 July 2015 16:12

If someone told you a joke you found offensive, would your first thought be to do a massive arsehole show of finding it hilarious or would you just quickly take your leave?

Reply

RustlingSoul | 26

#6367691 - Saturday 1 August 2015 0:29

Sreew him?

By HurleyX21 | 17

#6360617 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

He's the idiot for doing that, screw that guy.

By DragonDude | 24

#6360618 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Safe to say you dodged a bullet.

By rieebee | 23

#6360619 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:36

Saved you finding out he's a jerk later on, at least he could have been polite about it. What a dick.

By A_Net_70 | 7

#6360620 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Awwww what a jerk good thing you found out his true colors right away! Don't worry you will find your one :)

By Ley135 | 20

#6360622 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

I seriously can't believe half the things I read on this app. People are so cruel to one another. Screw him, Op. You'll find someone who loves your jokes and you even more.

By chrisbeaudoin | 26

#6360623 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:37

Lol

By TheGamingNirvana | 18

#6360624 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

The guy did what you DON'T do during a date.

By DeuceDeuce | 16

#6360627 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:38

What was the joke?

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6361761 - Sunday 26 July 2015 9:03

Maybe OP used the old arrow to the knee joke.

By DestinysChampion | 17

#6360633 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:40

That's actually really rude of him. I'm sorry OP. Onto better men!

Reply

josef_connolly | 14

#6360794 - Saturday 25 July 2015 12:05

Very rude indeed