Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were... - FML

By Thithien1 - 1/4/2009 06:07 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 22:00

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 12:16 - United States

Today, I realized that my fiancé only touches me when he wants to have sex. Any other contact is purely accidental. FML

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By UnicornPancake - 25/4/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

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By AlwaysTired - 28/11/2015 03:21 - United States - San Carlos

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

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By SkottLong - 10/3/2015 06:19 - United States - Logan

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

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By sierra808 - 31/5/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

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By StrawberryJuicey - 13/12/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2012 18:48 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By Kan23 - 26/1/2016 03:37 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By GT716 - 7/4/2009 12:50 - United States

Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML

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By pigeons_suck - 11/5/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - 3/9/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 06:00

Looks

Today, my mom and dad were talking about how if I lost weight, I would be attractive and have guys all over me. My dad said, “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” It took me a while to realize they both think I’m ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

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By ouchmyeye - 10/6/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

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By vetapplez - 4/4/2009 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

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By waterbottlehit - 2/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

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By PmS - 8/3/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML

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By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By K3you - 4/7/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By suckatlifeeexo - 25/4/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I was on a relay team and I was the anchor. My team was in 1st. I was ready to dive in when I saw my tampon string was hanging out of my suit. I freaked, slid off the block, and fell on top of the guy before me and gave him a concussion. We got DQed for a false start FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML

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By peteswentzbass - 26/1/2013 17:18 - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By WheatiesMan - 15/6/2016 10:52

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

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By Username - 13/2/2012 21:31 - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - 10/9/2012 06:06 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By zoe777 - 9/11/2013 02:54 - United States

Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML

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By Lonile13 - 7/9/2016 03:28 - Philippines

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

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By NotASquirrel - 12/3/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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By Tee - 11/12/2009 09:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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By cantprovenothing - 18/4/2014 21:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

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By Jake - 29/4/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/2/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

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By Dipping Tired - 20/4/2016 23:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

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By aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss - 26/8/2015 13:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

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Top comments

By scorpiogirl666 | 0

#74858 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 17:49

Haha, you should've acted like you knew her. Been like "But, Mary, you always used to let me touch your ass!!"

By mf_fml | 0

#74885 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:03

but then if that makes you a pervert,
does it make me a slut for letting shit like that pass when i used to take the bus? hahaha.

c'mon, lady, it's public transportation! you're in for a long ride, everything's an accident. don't make such a big deal out of it.

Comments

By Neenertastic | 0

#74845 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 17:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

futtgoredo | 0

#873237 - Friday 19 February 2010 21:42

wow this happened to me top

Reply

Whatapuffchild | 23

#5979314 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 6:48

what the hell

Reply

coops456 | 14

#6586134 - Friday 22 April 2016 14:38

I'm so fucking interested to hear how she was asking for it, please explain

By scorpiogirl666 | 0

#74858 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 17:49

Haha, you should've acted like you knew her. Been like "But, Mary, you always used to let me touch your ass!!"

Reply

rabbi1010 | 29

#5902489 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 23:25

I read that in Cartmans voice.

Reply

sexaybitch | 14

#5980805 - Thursday 19 June 2014 15:51

"And that was until you cheated on me with my dad!"

By Tehalon | 0

#74867 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 17:53

YDI for failing to hit your own body, I think you should visit a doctor because there could be something seriously wrong with your motor skills. (Eye hand coördination, you know..)

By Neenertastic | 0

#74871 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 17:55

not to double-post or anything, cuz i'm gonna...
but you could have gotten off at the next stop and waited for the next train...
i've done that when pervs get on and do crazy stuff...that damned B train to the Bronx did it every time

By mf_fml | 0

#74885 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:03

but then if that makes you a pervert,
does it make me a slut for letting shit like that pass when i used to take the bus? hahaha.

c'mon, lady, it's public transportation! you're in for a long ride, everything's an accident. don't make such a big deal out of it.

By Chaith | 16

#74889 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:05

Sexual harassment happens everywhere, most people don't even bat an eye anymore.

Keep practicing those motor skills, though. Lol #3

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#74892 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:06

I agree that she over reacted, but #1, how was she asking for it exactly?

By delighted_fml | 0

#74910 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:18

I feel bad for her. As someone with sexual assault in my past, if something like that happened to me, I would feel really unsafe. You victimized someone, even though it was an accident.

By ZuRG_fml | 7

#74953 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:40

Er #1, how was she asking for it? wtf?

By lol_seriously | 0

#74954 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:40

Wow that must have been awkward haha