Miscellaneous: Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant.... - FML

By neelloc83 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

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Messed up

Fresh air

*Friends theme music plays*

By Walmart Associate

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

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By B.. - 1/9/2020 23:00

Bye then!

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

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By BellaBabii32 - 27/4/2021 02:01

Time to scramble

Today, I went to get coffee. While I was at the drive-thru window, I went to pay with my card but dropped it right out the window. It went under my car. FML

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By iamgermantoo - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

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By gullible - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

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By blaaargh - United States - Seymour

Today, my dad uttered the words, "You gotta admit, your mother's got one hell of an ass." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was woken up by a loud noise, which I thought was an earthquake. It sounded like a car had driven right into my living room. Which was exactly what it was. FML

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By TheThirdWheel

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend of 10 years making out in my bedroom. I stared and when they noticed me, my boyfriend didn’t even bat an eye and suggested we have a threesome. My best friend immediately agreed. FML

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By nothanks - United States

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

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By BillLumberg - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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By TeeJay - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

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By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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By joolsie - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

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By toosmall

Today I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the ticket is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

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By Anonymity - Canada

Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

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By ... - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML

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By Angel - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By Cashier - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

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By meens42 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

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By girlwithaprob - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

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By hawkknight - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

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By Anonymous

All true, obviously

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By Chris - Canada

Today, I was riding the bus home from college. I was standing in the aisle and there was a rather cute girl sitting next to me. The bus came to an abrupt stop, I tripped, and fell into her lap. She shrieked, "Eww! Get off me!" and shove me onto the floor of the bus. Nice to know I'm revolting. FML

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By Beesmakemerun

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

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By My Life Is Just PERFECT - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

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By Brian - 5/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Good old gender stereotypes

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

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By mydadsgonnakillme - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

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By Dog_Lover - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

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By bbns - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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By L - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

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By gotthewrongman - United States

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

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By Barry Wom

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

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Top comments

By m0nicam0nster | 0

#11293 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:05

ooooooh thats sooooo embarrassing
now youll never forget him again, though!!!

By ForestFire0 | 1

#11404 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:29

I think you could have gotten away with it if you said after "Not everyone is here yet." It would be even easier to convince him if he asked if you thought he worked there. "What? No! I'm just letting you know we'll be waiting a little longer."

COMMENTS

By m0nicam0nster | 0

#11293 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:05

ooooooh thats sooooo embarrassing
now youll never forget him again, though!!!

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#790184 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:23

I bet you will forget him again but next time it will be at McDonalds

Reply

2gether4ever | 0

#967164 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 5:03

rofl!! that's frikin hilarious!!
made my day (:

Reply

sukhdeep | 4

#1076069 - Friday 9 July 2010 21:33

I don't get it???

Reply

sskarma23 | 9

#2978530 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 8:24

could have just said you were joking. I'm indian and would have thought that was hilarious

By ChaosZirconia | 0

#11298 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:07

I'm sure he understands that you weren't paying attention when he walked up. You were in an Indian restaurant, you expected to see random Indian people, not someone you knew. I don't see what the big deal is.

Reply

wistfulorangeade | 12

#3479884 - Monday 24 October 2011 1:09

That's because you're racist.

By jmk919 | 0

#11303 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:13

haha this sound like something that would happen in my town

By you_suck | 0

#11330 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:42

that's racist, if you did that to a black person in a "soul food" resturaunt you would would get yelled at but for some reaon its ok to do it to an indian in that resturaunt. I hope you apologized, next time look up you half wit

By ChaosZirconia | 0

#11353 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:59

.... Uhm. #4... Obviously the poster -didn't- think it was ok. That's why they Posted it Here. Did you forget where you are???

By muse88 | 0

#11395 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:23

dude...that is sooo embarrassing...i mean i guess it can happen, i'm sure everyone has made a stupid mistake along the same lines, but ur still an idiot...

By ForestFire0 | 1

#11404 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:29

I think you could have gotten away with it if you said after "Not everyone is here yet." It would be even easier to convince him if he asked if you thought he worked there. "What? No! I'm just letting you know we'll be waiting a little longer."

Reply

tooflirty | 8

#5838591 - Saturday 25 January 2014 6:46

Good thinking bro , too bad you weren't there to save the day

By Dannie_fml | 0

#11427 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By thinkpink | 0

#11606 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:13

#7 I agree, it could probably be gotten away with if you followed up with a comment like "we're not all here yet," or "I need to use the restroom." Don't sweat it though, it happens haha.

By Kohvi92 | 0

#11613 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:16

I've done something worse. I was driving my friends home, got a flat, and pulled into a parking lot. I blocked it halfway through, told this one guy that he couldn't come through because I was waiting for a tow. It was my friend's dad picking them up. Yeah.