Miscellaneous: Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant.... - FML

By neelloc83 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

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Triage

Cake is everything

Laundry drama

By hes - United States

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

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By NYCproblems - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 05:00

Slicey machine go thwack

Today, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I have no way to pay my bills and very few places are hiring just now. My boss tried to make me feel better by saying her husband was just laid off and they'll struggle as well. She has a £120k salary and just got a £30k bonus. Apparently, "we're in the same boat." FML

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By hisgirl4life - United States

Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidentally farted. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Today, I think I've conditioned my body to not function without technology, as I simply couldn't take a shit until I got up, fetched my phone and returned to the toilet to read stuff on here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By svet - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML

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By nomorecleaning - United States - Augusta

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

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By oopsydaisy - United States - Decatur

Today, I was working at the pharmacy and had a older man come in. He was buying Viagra and, by law, we are required to ask if the patient had any questions. His lovely response was, "When you coming over so I can test this stuff out?" His wife and daughter thought it was hilarious. I could've died. FML

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By fmylifebadddd - United States

Today, was my birthday. My friends love to play pranks on me. So when I entered the door for my surprise party, I became aware of the surroundings. There was nothing. Everyone was staring as I slowly entered the room. When I closed the door behind me, a freaking bucket of pee fell all over me. FML

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By zboy_123 - India

Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By thisguy - Canada

Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on and drive away. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 08:06

Easy listener

Today, on the phone, my boyfriend was complaining about the heat. When I told him that it wasn't hot where I live, at all, but that I had trouble sleeping due to stress, he replied, "Because of the heat, right? What else can it be?" FML

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By failure - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By not living happily ever after - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

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By dannyfanny - United States

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

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By Me

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML

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By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By Redfaced - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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By Username

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

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By Janie - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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By Tiber46 - United States - Long Beach

Today, the vet sent me an email wishing my kitten a happy 2nd birthday. My cat died last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while trying to hold the door open on an elevator, I managed to drop something down the elevator shaft. I'm blind, and the something was my white cane. FML

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By pottyhostage - Sweden

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML

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By budda1368 - United States

Romance isn't dead

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

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By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

CIA-level batshittery

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

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By jobless - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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Top comments

By m0nicam0nster | 0

#11293 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:05

ooooooh thats sooooo embarrassing
now youll never forget him again, though!!!

By ForestFire0 | 1

#11404 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:29

I think you could have gotten away with it if you said after "Not everyone is here yet." It would be even easier to convince him if he asked if you thought he worked there. "What? No! I'm just letting you know we'll be waiting a little longer."

COMMENTS

By m0nicam0nster | 0

#11293 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:05

ooooooh thats sooooo embarrassing
now youll never forget him again, though!!!

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#790184 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:23

I bet you will forget him again but next time it will be at McDonalds

Reply

2gether4ever | 0

#967164 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 5:03

rofl!! that's frikin hilarious!!
made my day (:

Reply

sukhdeep | 4

#1076069 - Friday 9 July 2010 21:33

I don't get it???

Reply

sskarma23 | 9

#2978530 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 8:24

could have just said you were joking. I'm indian and would have thought that was hilarious

By ChaosZirconia | 0

#11298 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:07

I'm sure he understands that you weren't paying attention when he walked up. You were in an Indian restaurant, you expected to see random Indian people, not someone you knew. I don't see what the big deal is.

Reply

wistfulorangeade | 12

#3479884 - Monday 24 October 2011 1:09

That's because you're racist.

By jmk919 | 0

#11303 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:13

haha this sound like something that would happen in my town

By you_suck | 0

#11330 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:42

that's racist, if you did that to a black person in a "soul food" resturaunt you would would get yelled at but for some reaon its ok to do it to an indian in that resturaunt. I hope you apologized, next time look up you half wit

By ChaosZirconia | 0

#11353 - Monday 2 March 2009 20:59

.... Uhm. #4... Obviously the poster -didn't- think it was ok. That's why they Posted it Here. Did you forget where you are???

By muse88 | 0

#11395 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:23

dude...that is sooo embarrassing...i mean i guess it can happen, i'm sure everyone has made a stupid mistake along the same lines, but ur still an idiot...

By ForestFire0 | 1

#11404 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:29

I think you could have gotten away with it if you said after "Not everyone is here yet." It would be even easier to convince him if he asked if you thought he worked there. "What? No! I'm just letting you know we'll be waiting a little longer."

Reply

tooflirty | 8

#5838591 - Saturday 25 January 2014 6:46

Good thinking bro , too bad you weren't there to save the day

By Dannie_fml | 0

#11427 - Monday 2 March 2009 21:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By thinkpink | 0

#11606 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:13

#7 I agree, it could probably be gotten away with if you followed up with a comment like "we're not all here yet," or "I need to use the restroom." Don't sweat it though, it happens haha.

By Kohvi92 | 0

#11613 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:16

I've done something worse. I was driving my friends home, got a flat, and pulled into a parking lot. I blocked it halfway through, told this one guy that he couldn't come through because I was waiting for a tow. It was my friend's dad picking them up. Yeah.