Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

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You snooze, you lose

Business savvy

Not a cheating!

By properpissed - 3/6/2014 15:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

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By dislocated - 14/2/2018 20:30

How romantic!

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

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By Amberizzle - 26/9/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

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By suckstobeme - 12/4/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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By use your brain mother - 16/6/2015 05:47 - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

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By sotired - 5/3/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

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By marquez_jasmine - 21/7/2012 15:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, after feeling a little down about myself and looking for comfort from my boyfriend, he told me that my stretch marks make me look like a tiger. FML

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By utensils123 - 9/2/2010 06:40 - Australia

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

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By mchhhoi - 20/7/2009 06:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and were I getting it on in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML

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By sammarli530 - 29/5/2013 16:24 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

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By senelbeat - 3/7/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

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By Slash - 16/6/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML

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By bellsucker - 4/8/2012 22:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML

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By Nicole - 20/2/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By hopeless - 18/3/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I was talking to my dad and told him that I want to be a hotel maid, hoping that he would tell me "You can do better, you're smart, etc." Instead he said, "I'm glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve." FML

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By sadsadboy - 7/9/2015 21:20 - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By treegirl - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

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By Not impressed. - 19/11/2013 05:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, working in a department store, I spent at least 30 minutes helping a verbally abusive elderly woman in a wheelchair find an appropriate jacket for winter. She finally asked me to retrieve one she wanted in her size. When I returned she was in deep sleep, snoring and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2020 06:01

Gentrification strikes !

Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML

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By WTF? - 3/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 14:00

The Candidate

Today, my sister-in-law announced she would like me to be her surrogate, so that her body doesn't look like a stretched wobbly mess after childbirth. Apparently, I'm a perfect candidate, as "we won't see a difference." FML

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By HF44 - 29/7/2015 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2011 21:29 - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 22:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. What did I get? A 12-hour work shift, after spending an almost sleepless night in a computer chair because my bed is infested with bed bugs. FML

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By whorica139 - 2/9/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 30/5/2020 02:00

Condom advertisement

Today, my ex messaged me, saying he got his new girlfriend pregnant and that he thinks I have something to do with it. He thinks I put it in her head that they should have a kid together, when he says he didn't want any in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:42 - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2017 21:00 - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - 13/8/2012 22:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By justanaccount - 27/2/2009 19:35 - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

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By ADickySituation - 5/5/2013 04:14 - United States - Wilmette

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

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By thehumanshield - 5/8/2011 08:41 - United States

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

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By jealouspussy - 20/2/2013 06:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - 1/8/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By SpaceAstronaut - 28/12/2010 21:42 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

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By MozillaHostile - 9/10/2015 18:54 - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

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Top comments

By matineesuxxx | 1

#743501 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 20:40

he went to the library to learn where to put his little guy

By sparkey0127 | 0

#742859 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 12:21

that sucks. I think he's afraid of your vagina

Comments

By MakeTheDay | 0

#742857 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 12:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

drcool41 | 0

#1032437 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 17:29

NERDDDDD!! highfive!

Reply

drcool41 | 0

#1032441 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 17:31

jk but seriously call him that next time u see him

Reply

seenpyro | 0

#1087201 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 3:49

why was my comment erased??

By sparkey0127 | 0

#742859 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 12:21

that sucks. I think he's afraid of your vagina

By snafu57 | 1

#742869 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 12:30

that's strange. you sure he's straight? give me a call. my priorities are right.

By Piejamas | 0

#742878 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 12:41

steamy....

By shadow33456 | 1

#742925 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 13:49

owned

By 1800getalife | 0

#742950 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 14:07

hahahahha she uses steamy

fyl

By Spac3Ghost | 0

#743005 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 15:02

haha listen to number 3 =P i agree!! you want my number? =) hahaha jokes =)
and fail!! maybe he just wants some quick mouth before he studies =) sounds like you really wanted him to romp you =) niiiiice =)

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#3065678 - Monday 8 August 2011 19:23

I've never seen so many smiles in one post.

By esh_4 | 0

#743134 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 16:42

maybe he really likes u and doesnt wanna rush it so he went to the library to "cool down" and distract himself from coming back.

By tbbucs | 0

#743161 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 17:02

maybe he blew early cuz u worked him up so much.

By dkbells13 | 0

#743164 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 17:03

that totally happened to me a few weeks ago. talk about embarrassing....