Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that... - FML

By youwouldbeacat - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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Instadrama

And today, on Dr Phil…

Tense

By Keith walk - United States

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML

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By novdestiny

Today, I discovered that, because my boyfriend has locked himself out of his car so many times, he now keeps a coat hanger to break in. He keeps it IN the car. FML

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By mountains - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 08:01 - United States

Bigmouth strikes again

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

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By alie - United States

Today, I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me "I like your shirt. Most fat people don't look good in horizontals." FML

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By BeanThereRuinedThat

Bean.

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

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By Hooty - United States - Groveton

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

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By Peekaman - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

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By The Last Cockbender - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

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By Poly24 - France - La Courneuve

Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

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By peedonme - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

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By WtfDoIDo?!

Today, my girlfriend told me that she wants to marry me and have my children. I’m 15. We've been dating for 3 weeks. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

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By Bookworm - United Kingdom - Singapore

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

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By karengoeswest

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By katchoo - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

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By Gen - France

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

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By ouch - Australia

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By neverleavingthehouseagain - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

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By ScaredDad

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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By Mom of 3

Today, I was washing dishes while my 2-year-old was napping... or so I thought. When I finished and went to check on her, I found she'd taken off her diaper and smeared poop all over the carpet. She must have been up a while because it was everywhere. I spent the next hour scrubbing. FML

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By tor - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By FML - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2020 23:01

Classic

Today, I caught my sister in bed with my girlfriend. I’m not sure what’s worse, the cheating, the fact I’ve never managed to make my girlfriend moan like that, or the fact this is the second girlfriend she’s stolen from me in the last year. FML

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By ugh - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

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By Nylo

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML

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By lovemyteacher - United States

Today, I got my science test back. I thought I did a horrible job on it, but only three were circled. I was happy but doubtful that I did so well, so I asked my teacher just to make sure. He said it was faster to circle the correct answers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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By Carolina R-h

Today, after driving 900 miles, the tongue on my trailer broke ten miles away from home. I was stuck on the side of the road for 3 hours. FML

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By the_music_major - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Thanks Dad

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

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By Heavy D - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

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By Bryan - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

You had to ask

Today, I was working out with my trainer. A question popped up in my mind, so I asked if she had to deal with fat people a lot. She then responded, "I'm working with you, aren't I?" FML

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Top comments

By truslide | 0

#150313 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:23

making a nacho? you fail

By MtVernonVA | 0

#150331 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:32

1. Some cat food is really good.

2. Some beans are really bad.

/I believe

COMMENTS

By truslide | 0

#150313 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:23

making a nacho? you fail

Reply

ryansims | 0

#1018225 - Thursday 3 June 2010 23:53

you fail at life how the fuck you not able to tell that it isn't beans you're eating you're just a fat ass

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1035479 - Saturday 19 June 2010 0:14

hey at least you didn't eat a bowl of hummus thinking it was refried beans

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1059418 - Saturday 3 July 2010 21:28

haha, at least it was just cat food. as soon as you described the "beans", my mind screamed "NO! DON'T EAT IT!!! THEY'RE BUGS ！！!！"

Reply

itman3456 | 0

#2198449 - Friday 18 March 2011 6:17

exactly what i thought

Reply

adamcole20 | 0

#2310442 - Thursday 7 April 2011 23:32

why do u have bugs in ur fridge

Reply

skreech96 | 0

#2333146 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 1:15

hummus is fucking delicious. best dip ever.

Reply

couturegirl2 | 7

#2789982 - Thursday 30 June 2011 8:20

there arent any bugs....

Reply

NE7SSIE | 2

#4512205 - Saturday 2 June 2012 15:49

MINE TOO :D

By ilgatto | 0

#150314 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:23

eww

By SucksToBeYa | 0

#150319 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:26

lolololol. Surely you would have tasted something funny though...

By Hugeness | 0

#150329 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:31

I call bullshit. How do you not know that you just ate a can of cat food?

By Vipros | 0

#150330 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:32

Lies. Damn Lies.

By MtVernonVA | 0

#150331 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:32

1. Some cat food is really good.

2. Some beans are really bad.

/I believe

By sameoldsameold | 0

#150336 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:34

how do you not know?

By Bitts | 0

#150348 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:38

How did they taste?

By mjsmclaren | 0

#150351 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:39

at first you said "plastic container" and then you said "can" of cat food...I call bull shit...LIAR

By LilRed | 0

#150356 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:41

Why is your cats food in the fridge? Thats a super fail. YDI.

Reply

NordicFailure | 0

#1635755 - Monday 1 November 2010 16:22

It's normal to put catfood in the fridge. It keeps its freshness and smell less.

Reply

skreech96 | 0

#2333169 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 1:18

11 your fucking stupid for thinking putting cat food in the fridge is a fail.