Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and... - FML

By Blah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and catching it. I missed a catch, and the ball hit me between the legs. I shoved my hands down my pants because it hurt, just as my step-dad walked into the room and saw me holding my crotch and moaning. FML

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Understandable

Dangling modifier

Does it taste good?

By K. - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By JJ - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

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By Idiocracy - United States

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

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By Kylie - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By smoothies14 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By awesome - United States

Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

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By theybitchaboutgnomesbutnotthis?? - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML

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By Creepedout - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By titov - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 08:08

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, after going down on me and dry humping me in bed, my boyfriend told me he was having second thoughts about me while I was away for a few days. Apparently, he spent time with my best friend who set us up. She asked him to hypothetically propose to her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By middleagednurse

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By failure - United States - Hector

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By Lonley Lesbian - 17/6/2020 02:02

Bye bye love, hello loneliness

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush out. Also today, she changed her Facebook status to "In a relationship." I'm so damn lonely. FML

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By badmom - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

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By Katie - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

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By Heinz - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the highlight of my day was that I could afford name-brand ketchup. FML

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By NotRetarded - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

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By Preggo

Today, I vomited so hard into the toilet that the water splashed back into my face. I instinctually moved away only to finish puking on the floor. FML

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By emily - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

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By Bir - 8/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Early wake-up

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

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By MozillaHostile - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

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By Kevin

Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML

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By Jess-zee - Canada

Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close to $300 on her Mother's Day present. Later, my little brother drew her a card with crayons on pink construction paper. She cried. He is 20 years old. FML

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By ...... - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By dumpedandstranded - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

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By screwthewilderness - United States

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

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By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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Top comments

By ScaryyMary | 14

#796661 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:57

You were playing with a ball that hit your balls and now your stepdad thinks you were playing with your balls when really you were only playing with one ball and you posted the whole sad story on FML... you, sir, are ballin'.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#796565 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:15

Yea right. sounds like a poor excuse for playing with yourself

COMMENTS

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#796542 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:09

first. ouch gotta hurt

Reply

AEbraham | 0

#796994 - Monday 25 January 2010 4:54

wow...that is some messed up shit im sorry but thats so funny

Reply

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#797227 - Monday 25 January 2010 8:24

lAlAlAlA

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#798196 - Monday 25 January 2010 19:48

did he ask to join you?

By macgruberiscool | 0

#796546 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:10

that must hurt

Reply

xlord | 27

#2713874 - Sunday 19 June 2011 6:40

well, balls to you sir

By sasharaee | 0

#796547 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:10

lmfaoo

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#798428 - Monday 25 January 2010 22:27

YOU SO HAWT

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#799146 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:19

HOTTIE

Reply

IgnorantAmerican | 0

#1930787 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 12:01

Indeed

By iKacper | 0

#796548 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:11

Too bad.

By pwincessa23 | 1

#796550 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:12

I think u were doing something else....

By famo5 | 5

#796560 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:14

FAIL.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#796565 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:15

Yea right. sounds like a poor excuse for playing with yourself

Reply

Shokz992 | 0

#797289 - Monday 25 January 2010 9:37

Yup, can't believe anyone would stick their hands down their pants if they got hit in the balls -.-

Reply

arsenalfcboy | 6

#797467 - Monday 25 January 2010 11:12

I do...

Reply

puffyblake | 1

#5486942 - Friday 10 May 2013 22:03

I dunno... Playing baseball he would've been wearing a cup. I could imagine him reaching down there to readjust it after getting hit

Reply

puffyblake | 1

#5486945 - Friday 10 May 2013 22:16

*football

By SkaterChic | 0

#796572 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:19

ha great job.
EXCELLENT
playing with a pointy ball lying down
SO smart

Reply

arsenalfcboy | 6

#798422 - Monday 25 January 2010 22:24

Footballs are round? You're mixing football and rugby :)

Reply

lemonyfresh | 0

#798663 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 0:48

actually, i think the op is american, and therefore a rugby ball is more rounded than a football is. and judging by your name, arsenalFC, i assume you're british, so your football would mean "soccer ball" to us. but the op i assume meant an american football.

By aeiouxuoiea | 0

#796578 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:20

so tell him what happened...

By beachycat | 0

#796583 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:21

ROFL