Miscellaneous: Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and... - FML

By Blah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and catching it. I missed a catch, and the ball hit me between the legs. I shoved my hands down my pants because it hurt, just as my step-dad walked into the room and saw me holding my crotch and moaning. FML

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Rock, hard place

Commando

Overbearing much?

By dontplaywithmyfeelings - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got a new job and told everyone about it. A few hours later, I got an email from the executive saying I actually don't have the job anymore. FML

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By jaa319 - United States

Today, a customer asked for my manager's number, my bosses number, corporate's number and filled out a complaint form, all because we kindly asked him not to sit his kid on the counter due to safety concerns. FML

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By lateralligator - Canada - Whitchurch-stouffville

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

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By johnG - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

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By meeranda - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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By newdad - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By cannotexplain - Australia

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML

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By 420curse - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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By Evra - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By David - 15/8/2020 17:07

No wings

Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML

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By Imgonnahaveabf - United States

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By Robert - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

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By whatisthisshit

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By Moth_Balled - Australia

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

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By NextAmericanIdol? - United States - Bowie

Today, I had to put my little sister to bed. Usually my mom sings her a lullaby before she puts her to sleep, so I did too. After I finished the song, my sister looked me dead in the eyes and said, "This is why I tell people we aren't related." FML

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By LizP40 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By sweetie808 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By laurenasabutton - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already broken. FML

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By donny31459 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

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By jezebel - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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By flymetothemoon

Mother knows best...

Today, I finally figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Too bad my tattoos will prevent me from ever getting hired. Guess you were right, Mom. FML

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By armybrat - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Jane M - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By Lockie - Australia

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after spending months learning Chinese, selling my house and everything I own for my big transfer to Hong Kong, my boss decided I should instead go to our other branch across town. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

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By fmylifeee

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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By OhGodKillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By Oops - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

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By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By bibi - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I went to see a dinosaur exhibition with my mum. We walked around and saw a huge dinosaur, made of plastic and rubber. She was very disappointed, saying that she thought there would be real live dinosaurs for us to see. FML

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By Kyra.45 - United States - Troy

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

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By Chris - 12/3/2021 20:01

NFT FML

Today, I'm still trying to get my head around what NFTs are, even though my friend walked me through the whole thing during an hour-long conversation. I guess I'm dumb. FML

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By chasingcars0624 - United States

Chill out, mom

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3 a.m. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough, she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML

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Top comments

By ScaryyMary | 14

#796661 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:57

You were playing with a ball that hit your balls and now your stepdad thinks you were playing with your balls when really you were only playing with one ball and you posted the whole sad story on FML... you, sir, are ballin'.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#796565 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:15

Yea right. sounds like a poor excuse for playing with yourself

COMMENTS

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#796542 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:09

first. ouch gotta hurt

Reply

AEbraham | 0

#796994 - Monday 25 January 2010 4:54

wow...that is some messed up shit im sorry but thats so funny

Reply

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#797227 - Monday 25 January 2010 8:24

lAlAlAlA

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#798196 - Monday 25 January 2010 19:48

did he ask to join you?

By macgruberiscool | 0

#796546 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:10

that must hurt

Reply

xlord | 27

#2713874 - Sunday 19 June 2011 6:40

well, balls to you sir

By sasharaee | 0

#796547 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:10

lmfaoo

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#798428 - Monday 25 January 2010 22:27

YOU SO HAWT

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#799146 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:19

HOTTIE

Reply

IgnorantAmerican | 0

#1930787 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 12:01

Indeed

By iKacper | 0

#796548 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:11

Too bad.

By pwincessa23 | 1

#796550 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:12

I think u were doing something else....

By famo5 | 5

#796560 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:14

FAIL.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#796565 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:15

Yea right. sounds like a poor excuse for playing with yourself

Reply

Shokz992 | 0

#797289 - Monday 25 January 2010 9:37

Yup, can't believe anyone would stick their hands down their pants if they got hit in the balls -.-

Reply

arsenalfcboy | 6

#797467 - Monday 25 January 2010 11:12

I do...

Reply

puffyblake | 1

#5486942 - Friday 10 May 2013 22:03

I dunno... Playing baseball he would've been wearing a cup. I could imagine him reaching down there to readjust it after getting hit

Reply

puffyblake | 1

#5486945 - Friday 10 May 2013 22:16

*football

By SkaterChic | 0

#796572 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:19

ha great job.
EXCELLENT
playing with a pointy ball lying down
SO smart

Reply

arsenalfcboy | 6

#798422 - Monday 25 January 2010 22:24

Footballs are round? You're mixing football and rugby :)

Reply

lemonyfresh | 0

#798663 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 0:48

actually, i think the op is american, and therefore a rugby ball is more rounded than a football is. and judging by your name, arsenalFC, i assume you're british, so your football would mean "soccer ball" to us. but the op i assume meant an american football.

By aeiouxuoiea | 0

#796578 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:20

so tell him what happened...

By beachycat | 0

#796583 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:21

ROFL