Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and... - FML

By Blah - 24/1/2010 22:24 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and catching it. I missed a catch, and the ball hit me between the legs. I shoved my hands down my pants because it hurt, just as my step-dad walked into the room and saw me holding my crotch and moaning. FML

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Proactive

The opposite of a good idea

Long story short

By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad driver and could parallel park, I decided it was easier to just let him do it. Unfortunately, while getting out of the car to switch seats, I forgot to take the car out of drive and it ran into the car in front of us. He was right. FML

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By B - 31/1/2012 20:36 - Netherlands

Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML

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By LivingInMisery - 12/4/2017 21:00 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, I was supposed to have my advising appointment for my next semester of college. When I got to campus, it was windy and raining so heavily that my clothes were sopping wet within a minute of stepping out of my car. My advisor didn't show up. FML

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By shit... - 5/7/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By Crombinator - 1/5/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

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By greatstartto2010 - 3/1/2010 00:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

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By feminist - 17/6/2009 15:25 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

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By sharpie2792 - 15/2/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

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By notapedobear - 13/1/2011 08:21

Today, I was in a shopping centre when a little girl was running up and down the aisles. She started to fall over so I put my hand out to catch her. Her mother then ran up to me and screamed about me 'touching her child' so loud that everyone could hear. FML

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By dukemisery - 28/11/2016 12:23 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

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By Ooops - 12/9/2019 22:02 - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By ihaveahome - 12/4/2011 16:02 - Czech Republic

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

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By ShitShoveler - 14/4/2017 14:00 - United States - Abington

Today, a month after getting a big promotion, I found out that I'm stuck with my old job. No one wants to take my old position, so they are vacating my new one and will post it, because, "This one is more desirable, and your's is shit." FML

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By Herbiee - 18/8/2010 12:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By insomnia - 22/12/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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By unemployed - 9/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

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By HBCruiser - 14/7/2019 02:30

Today, I’m sitting in my living room, smelling onions frying. My house is all closed up. I’m not cooking anything. FML

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By TheCrossingChick - 30/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my boss showed us a small picture of his family on his phone. Jokingly, I commented on how the orange shirt he was wearing reminded me of a big pumpkin. He wasn't wearing an orange shirt. His wife was. FML

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By Jazzyfayyye - 29/5/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my boy friend said "you know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

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By abc - 27/5/2009 10:15 - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By Dan V - 5/9/2016 06:35 - United States - Troy

Today, I found out my co-worker had made plans for a night out, just as I'd cancelled all of mine to work with him on a project for the next 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By anonymous - 11/2/2011 09:54

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

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By FML - 24/12/2011 01:32 - Sweden

Today, after having recently moved 300 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2 years, I have to celebrate Christmas alone. He never thought our relationship important enough to tell his family about me, and doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By itscalledaphonecontractretards - 9/8/2016 17:54 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

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By "Geric Brawner" - 12/5/2017 22:00

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

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By Michael978 - 29/4/2016 03:40

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2009 13:23 - Australia

Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was driving home. It was late and I wanted to get home so I started speeding. I didn't wanna get a ticket so I slowed down everytime I saw a car that could be a cop, judging by headlights. There was a car with a busted headlight so I sped up. Couldn't be a cop car. It could. $216 proof. FML

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By worried - 1/4/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

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By Coolkid. - 14/6/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I was accidentally tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML

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By bittenbyadonkey - 28/1/2011 17:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

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By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By Peter - 10/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2018 15:00

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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By GillyPirate - 10/11/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

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By Uh_Oh_Bro - 24/7/2016 17:58 - United States - Annandale

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

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By toughlove - 9/11/2009 01:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he had feelings for someone else. He also told me he wanted to continue dating me until things progressed further with the other woman. FML

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Top comments

By ScaryyMary | 14

#796661 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:57

You were playing with a ball that hit your balls and now your stepdad thinks you were playing with your balls when really you were only playing with one ball and you posted the whole sad story on FML... you, sir, are ballin'.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#796565 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:15

Yea right. sounds like a poor excuse for playing with yourself

Comments

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#796542 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:09

first. ouch gotta hurt

Reply

AEbraham | 0

#796994 - Monday 25 January 2010 4:54

wow...that is some messed up shit im sorry but thats so funny

Reply

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#797227 - Monday 25 January 2010 8:24

lAlAlAlA

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#798196 - Monday 25 January 2010 19:48

did he ask to join you?

By macgruberiscool | 0

#796546 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:10

that must hurt

Reply

xlord | 27

#2713874 - Sunday 19 June 2011 6:40

well, balls to you sir

By sasharaee | 0

#796547 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:10

lmfaoo

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#798428 - Monday 25 January 2010 22:27

YOU SO HAWT

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#799146 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:19

HOTTIE

Reply

IgnorantAmerican | 0

#1930787 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 12:01

Indeed

By iKacper | 0

#796548 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:11

Too bad.

By pwincessa23 | 1

#796550 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:12

I think u were doing something else....

By famo5 | 5

#796560 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:14

FAIL.

By sourgirl101 | 28

#796565 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:15

Yea right. sounds like a poor excuse for playing with yourself

Reply

Shokz992 | 0

#797289 - Monday 25 January 2010 9:37

Yup, can't believe anyone would stick their hands down their pants if they got hit in the balls -.-

Reply

arsenalfcboy | 6

#797467 - Monday 25 January 2010 11:12

I do...

Reply

puffyblake | 1

#5486942 - Friday 10 May 2013 22:03

I dunno... Playing baseball he would've been wearing a cup. I could imagine him reaching down there to readjust it after getting hit

Reply

puffyblake | 1

#5486945 - Friday 10 May 2013 22:16

*football

By SkaterChic | 0

#796572 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:19

ha great job.
EXCELLENT
playing with a pointy ball lying down
SO smart

Reply

arsenalfcboy | 6

#798422 - Monday 25 January 2010 22:24

Footballs are round? You're mixing football and rugby :)

Reply

lemonyfresh | 0

#798663 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 0:48

actually, i think the op is american, and therefore a rugby ball is more rounded than a football is. and judging by your name, arsenalFC, i assume you're british, so your football would mean "soccer ball" to us. but the op i assume meant an american football.

By aeiouxuoiea | 0

#796578 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:20

so tell him what happened...

By beachycat | 0

#796583 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:21

ROFL