Miscellaneous: Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on... - FML

By NoMoreHeadphones - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

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Taking stock

Thanks, government

Put your back into it

By ozozl - United States - Evergreen

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

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By sbutler - United States

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

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By Oops

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By off to the whorehouse, then - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend sent me some nudes while I was at work, so I went into the bathroom to rub one out. When I was done, I realized there was no paper towels... or toilet paper... or soap... I'm really sticky right now. FML

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By teebs - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

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By Anonymous - India - Tuticorin

Today, my fiancé and his family accused me of being with him only because he's rich, refusing to go ahead with the wedding. I accepted his marriage proposal 4 years ago, when he was penniless and unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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By tornkhakis - United States - Bloomington

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

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By ubbernoob - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

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By workworkwork

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

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By jordy1995 - United States

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

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By Fauxgeek

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child, we chose a Japanese hibachi restaurant. They sat us with a family with a toddler, who started screaming at the first flame trick, causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining. FML

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By Alex

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

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By bluten - Canada

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

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By powsser - United States

Today, my roommate got mad at me for putting away the tampons that were sitting on her desk. She rebelled by hanging hundreds of tampons dyed red from every surface in our dorm room. I discovered this while giving my mom her first tour of the place. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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By whytetrash - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

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By PissOffPottermore - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

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By Anonymous

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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By stinkypits - 23/6/2020 14:00

The pits

Today, I started six weeks of radiation on my left axillary region. Besides not being able to shave my armpit, I also can’t use lotion of any kind near the area, nor wear deodorant. This wouldn’t be a problem except it’s summer and I live in Southern California. The sweat is killing me. FML

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By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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By thatsfine - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML

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By Vitani_Verci

Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML

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By minder97 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

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By RoastedbyNature

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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By Scared - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2020 22:59

Observational comedy

Today, I, an insecure high school student, told my 11-year-old sister that I got my period in third grade. She responded with, “What?! Then how come you didn’t have tits until last year?” FML

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By me

Today, my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, with whom I have a baby, broke up with me. His reason? His best friend said he didn't like drinking with guys who were "tied down". FML

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By neverbeensurprised - United States

Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML

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By stranded - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By Janet - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

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By Amore - France - Bois-colombes

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

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By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

With friends like these…

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

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By chewybarseventy - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cypress

Today, my mom mentioned how she loves certain actor's "British" accent. I couldn't help but mention that there's no such thing, and that there are lots of different accents in Britain. She got pissed and lectured me for "lying" to her and trying to make her feel stupid. FML

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By LoadingMeows - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

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Top comments

By HawkingBeach | 0

#549239 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Why would you listen to your iPod while changing your child's diaper? Way to teach your kid poor manners early on.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#549236 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Brings a whole new meaning to shitty music like Brokencyde, Jeffree Star, and Millionaires...

COMMENTS

By nihilanth | 0

#549226 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:24

LOLTROLL

Reply

cutiepiex3 | 0

#549352 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:41

ewww, gross! ;P

Reply

anniemarie | 0

#549423 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:04

hahaha

Reply

Decoyum | 0

#550102 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 4:38

NOO!!!
I was just trolled!

Reply

dx169 | 0

#550355 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 7:10

Lemme have a lickle.

Reply

billyhirvine09 | 0

#974141 - Monday 5 April 2010 1:19

ydi. look next time

Reply

cookiemobzta | 0

#976226 - Thursday 8 April 2010 6:36

YDI for not having wireless headphone s

Reply

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1076402 - Saturday 10 July 2010 4:38

I was Rick Trolled

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1082588 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 2:32

that's what you get for listening to your iPod when you're with your baby!

Reply

laurabev | 9

#1271110 - Thursday 19 August 2010 18:32

Now you can listen to shitty music :)

Reply

mariah_1_11 | 22

#4838150 - Monday 20 August 2012 10:40

Get that shit out of your ears!!!
God I love puns...

By Dillybar | 0

#549227 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:24

That's why I really don't want kids...

Reply

_Noon_ | 0

#549258 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:27

Because they shit? Newsflash; everyone does.

Reply

tyhillman | 0

#549434 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:08

That's true, but only half of adults shit on themselves.

Reply

oldskoolman85 | 0

#549443 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:11

Newsflash: You don't have to clean up anyone else's shit if you don't have kids.

Reply

emptycities07 | 0

#549474 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:25

LMAOOOOO!! haha nice

Reply

bluehero | 17

#5435573 - Friday 5 April 2013 6:16

Because you don't want earbuds covered in poop?

By wtfismyfml | 0

#549230 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:24

nice! pay more attention next time?

Reply

bill929 | 7

#4042495 - Thursday 16 February 2012 12:55

I guess you could say *puts on sunnys* she hit the brown note.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#549236 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Brings a whole new meaning to shitty music like Brokencyde, Jeffree Star, and Millionaires...

Reply

allysonnn | 0

#549256 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:27

SO TRUE

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#549319 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:35

Win.

Reply

LewJH | 0

#549341 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:39

:D

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#549374 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:48

That was so harsh.......but true

WIN :)

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#549538 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:46

Aw, but, but the Millionaires!

Reply

junjunbun | 28

#6519259 - Monday 25 January 2016 9:20

You forgot nickelback #4

By Scrantoncity | 0

#549237 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Ooh gross clean your ears!

By HawkingBeach | 0

#549239 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Why would you listen to your iPod while changing your child's diaper? Way to teach your kid poor manners early on.

Reply

patrickhb | 0

#549398 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:56

Oh, because everyone should learn from an early age that it's rude to listen to music whilst cleaning someone else's genitals?

Reply

elara15 | 0

#549424 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:05

Do you know how often a baby's diaper needs changing? Listening to music while doing so doesn't make a difference to the chore or "manners". And by deductive reasoning, the OP was paying more attention to her child than the music anyway. Way to be.

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#549520 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:40

it's not rude as much as it is unwise to have an iPod while changing diapers. i mean, if it wasn't the dirty headphones, the baby could have sprayed the iPod.

Reply

xNephilim | 18

#1747293 - Thursday 25 November 2010 3:12

Because the baby will remember something that happened while she needed a diaper-change.
Also, I don't see how this is bad manners. Explain...?

By _Noon_ | 0

#549241 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Ew, that's gross! Eww. The only silver lining here is that its your own babies poop. FYL.

Reply

plexico | 3

#549411 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:59

If that counts as a silver lining, I hate to see (or smell) your jewelry box.

Reply

patrickhb | 0

#549419 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 0:02

Yep, that's alright then...

Reply

whyarepeopledumb | 2

#3684001 - Monday 5 December 2011 0:56

You're a fucking idiot. How is that a silver lining?

By tessitada | 0

#549242 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

COLES BALLS MAKE HEIDI HOT.

By shootingstar8D | 0

#549244 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:25

Haha your ears are shitty !

By Phr3Sh | 0

#549246 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 23:26

Not so bad, buy new ones. And learn your lesson, don't listen to music again while changing diapers.