Miscellaneous: Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 5

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 726

23/05/2009 05:15

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 102

You deserved it 64 751

Hiding from the drama

Mother of the year

Such a rewarding career

23/12/2016 09:19

Today, I saw a bike locked to a short bollard, making it very easy to steal. Being as nice as I am, I stayed, hoping the owner would come soon and no one else would take it. Then the guy who bullied me in highschool showed up, asked me what I was doing, laughed at me, took the bike, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 176

You deserved it 1 191

26/08/2017 18:30

Today, at the dentist, I was just supposed to get three small cavities filled. I walked out with a referral slip for the endodontist. Hello, root canal. Fuck you, genetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 297

You deserved it 280

Two sides to every story

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 863

You deserved it 124

01/04/2012 14:03

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 364

You deserved it 34 397

12/03/2013 19:03

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 988

You deserved it 3 153

Child's play

By Misbah Akhtar - 21/11/2020 12:59

Today, my 6 year-old brought me a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 332

25/07/2009 05:19

Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "wtf am I doing," he kissed my boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 613

You deserved it 53 028

Lost

By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 376

You deserved it 4 021

01/08/2010 10:38

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 568

You deserved it 2 875

22/12/2012 12:50

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 705

You deserved it 4 960

17/02/2009 01:11

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 915

You deserved it 6 057

25/05/2014 20:54

Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 763

You deserved it 5 446

Bad liar

By Anonymous - 18/02/2020 14:00

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 630

You deserved it 231

08/12/2015 17:14

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 982

You deserved it 2 618

22/02/2010 05:44

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 027

You deserved it 3 311

26/12/2010 15:47

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 214

You deserved it 4 188

26/04/2012 12:08

Spicy

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 785

You deserved it 2 933

07/02/2010 18:58

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 950

You deserved it 3 250

28/11/2012 03:08

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 893

You deserved it 2 942

13/03/2012 06:21

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 2 600

13/08/2012 12:19

Spicy

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 160

You deserved it 5 443

09/02/2014 14:36

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 690

You deserved it 8 309

27/10/2010 18:57

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 899

You deserved it 31 159

03/01/2010 16:35

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 541

You deserved it 29 108

05/09/2010 15:49

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 681

You deserved it 5 284

23/05/2011 19:14

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 053

You deserved it 43 292

20/11/2009 00:41

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 982

You deserved it 5 946

28/04/2009 06:27

Spicy

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 234 742

You deserved it 13 532

19/02/2012 19:29

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 903

You deserved it 26 298

09/12/2009 07:39

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 328

You deserved it 3 117

Been There

By PeppermintPenny - 10/08/2017 20:00

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 610

You deserved it 1 360

16/06/2012 05:45

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 076

You deserved it 7 585

23/03/2009 12:08

Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 496

You deserved it 7 266

12/10/2011 01:11

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 289

You deserved it 13 346

19/08/2012 04:19

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 114

You deserved it 8 995

12/12/2011 06:00

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in the bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 707

You deserved it 3 872

29/12/2009 10:57

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 256

You deserved it 3 043

07/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 783

You deserved it 344

15/04/2009 16:17

Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 393

You deserved it 53 497

Stop the steal

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 16:01

Today, my son admitted to maxing out my credit card, gambling on a some scam website that a dumbass streamer was promoting. He's only 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 333

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:18

Must have been hilarious for someone watching xD

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:20

Seriously though you would of noticed when you went to mark the centre spot and the boxes. This is complete BS! LIAR!

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:10

first

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:14

YDI definetely;>

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Monday 3 May 2010 5:26

YDI you must have looked like a huge sped

1384450244679 0

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Monday 17 May 2010 1:03

fail. you're a dumbass.

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:16

you didn't look back even once??? YDI completely

i_wuz_nver_here 31

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Saturday 18 July 2015 1:59

I bet op gets paid hourly

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:18

Must have been hilarious for someone watching xD

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:20

Seriously though you would of noticed when you went to mark the centre spot and the boxes. This is complete BS! LIAR!

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:30

HAHHAHAHAH you would've noticed. unless you did it blind!!

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:33

I've had moments like these before. One day I was sitting in my new car (my second car) and was going nuts because my keys wouldn't go in the ignition and actually called my brother to have him see what was wrong. I was using the wrong key.

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:35

If you finished without looking back once wouldn't you have at least seen some white in your peripheral vision? At all?! You deserve it for assuming (ASS + U + ME) that there was already paint in there.

melikeulongtime 4

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:35

LOL! Maybe, just maybe, you are an idiot.

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Saturday 23 May 2009 12:44

AHAHAHAHA XD I've done this sort of thing before!