Miscellaneous: Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid... - FML

By onlyme - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

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Proactive

Ed Sheeran-lite

They targeted gamers!

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML

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By broken finger - United States

Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML

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By batsu - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By P057M4N - 1/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Raleigh

One law for me…

Today, my co-worker called out for the sixth time in 2 weeks with no reason, while my manager was out until noon. It was just the three of us in my department. He’s had 0 repercussions and has been doing this for months. They threatened to fire me for taking 5 minutes in the bathroom. FML

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By Roode - United States

Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML

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By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

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By theunborn - France - Vic-fezensac

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

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By MaudlinMasters - 5/1/2021 02:01

Things can only get better

Today, marks the 8-month anniversary of receiving my Masters degree. It also marks 8 months of depression and unemployment because the dream job in my field I was promised before graduation was rescinded due to COVID-19. FML

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By blah - United States

Today, I had a bunch of parties while my parents were out of town. I made sure to clean up absolutely everything, I even vacuumed the stairs. As they pulled up, I noticed all of the trash bags filled with beer cans blocking their way into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Venus

He who smelled it…

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By lorrilanee - Australia

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

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By Anonymous

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By Timebaseboy - United States

Today, the driver side mirror of my car was smashed off and laying on the ground. On the window was a $75.00 ticket for improper equipment for not having a mirror. FML

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By ohshittttttt - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

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By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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By sounfair90 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 08:00

It never rains…

Today, I was at work when I got a call to say my grandad died. When I was walking out to my car, I realised someone had stolen all my hubcaps. FML

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By Soap0015 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By tina - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML

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By ohhi_itsme123 - United States

Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML

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By Depressed - United States

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

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By anonymous

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

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By Francoise3 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

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By Repethetic - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

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By dacara6415 - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Apocalypse Now

Today, I was diagnosed with a kidney infection; the symptoms include nausea and having to pee every five minutes. I had to walk six miles in the pouring rain to pick up the medication, peed in the woods twice, got honked at while throwing up on the road, and my boyfriend told me not to complain. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

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By Justlooking

Today, my new husband of two weeks attempted to solicit sex from a hooker. He tried to excuse himself by saying, "I would never cheat on you! I was just looking." FML

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By Evelyn - United States

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

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By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

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By tramrider - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

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By chunderful202 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By beetregeneration - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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Top comments

By TigressUK | 0

#222595 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:18

Must have been hilarious for someone watching xD

By Fuzzynavel | 10

#222599 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:20

Seriously though you would of noticed when you went to mark the centre spot and the boxes. This is complete BS! LIAR!

COMMENTS

By beardly | 0

#222581 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:10

first

By pennywise37 | 0

#222586 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:14

YDI definetely;>

Reply

imthestory | 0

#987827 - Monday 3 May 2010 5:26

YDI you must have looked like a huge sped

Reply

1384450244679 | 0

#995809 - Monday 17 May 2010 1:03

fail. you're a dumbass.

By ilaughatfmls | 0

#222590 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:16

you didn't look back even once??? YDI completely

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#6353471 - Saturday 18 July 2015 1:59

I bet op gets paid hourly

By TigressUK | 0

#222595 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:18

Must have been hilarious for someone watching xD

By Fuzzynavel | 10

#222599 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:20

Seriously though you would of noticed when you went to mark the centre spot and the boxes. This is complete BS! LIAR!

By 399125__h | 0

#222618 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:30

HAHHAHAHAH you would've noticed. unless you did it blind!!

By jeremymg91 | 0

#222621 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:33

I've had moments like these before. One day I was sitting in my new car (my second car) and was going nuts because my keys wouldn't go in the ignition and actually called my brother to have him see what was wrong. I was using the wrong key.

By teehee520 | 0

#222623 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:35

If you finished without looking back once wouldn't you have at least seen some white in your peripheral vision? At all?!
You deserve it for assuming (ASS + U + ME) that there was already paint in there.

By melikeulongtime | 4

#222625 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:35

LOL! Maybe, just maybe, you are an idiot.

By Georgia795 | 0

#222637 - Saturday 23 May 2009 12:44

AHAHAHAHA XD

I've done this sort of thing before!