Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard...

By atang - 9/4/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55783

You deserved it

11428

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Instadrama

KoBabe

Tense

By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 05:57 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50398

You deserved it

3354

Favorite

By Shauna - 8/11/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33106

You deserved it

2559

Favorite

By riddick0846 - 12/12/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34676

You deserved it

13149

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 18:32 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, my sister tried to convince me to go to a plastic surgeon, because "Bitchface Syndrome's no joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32152

You deserved it

3910

Favorite

By lucas_urev - 15/9/2014 22:19 - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36651

You deserved it

7089

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 22:00

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks

850

You deserved it

1737

Favorite

By pdnne - 12/5/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48802

You deserved it

7714

Favorite

By yupthissucks - 13/4/2015 09:00 - United States - Newnan

Today, I ran into the woman who hit my car and drove off three days ago. She was my bank teller. I called 911; she pressed the silent alarm. Guess whose story the cops believed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39003

You deserved it

2760

Favorite

By mhmm... cumsquats - 9/2/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17790

You deserved it

60333

Favorite

By purpletrout - 30/11/2016 06:39 - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10296

You deserved it

1043

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 23:05 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21039

You deserved it

10493

Favorite

By BlueBaby123 - 25/7/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, my husband and I got a new stainless steel microwave. When we took it out of the package we noticed it was blue and got angry. We were about to return it, but we called in our 12 year old daughter to see what she thought of the microwave. She then took off the blue protective plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10170

You deserved it

88153

Favorite

By fmyhabit - 15/4/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23788

You deserved it

57228

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Frederick

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5226

You deserved it

428

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/3/2011 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21748

You deserved it

67144

Favorite

By idiot - 28/6/2020 08:07

Double trouble

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1110

You deserved it

1499

Favorite

By Oreo - 10/5/2016 08:58

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14483

You deserved it

1918

Favorite

By anonymous - 9/12/2013 15:10 - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56725

You deserved it

3756

Favorite

By merrr - 20/1/2014 20:34 - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43011

You deserved it

13760

Favorite

By I was talking about her. - 29/6/2016 05:24

Today, a lady called the candy store and wanted to know our ice cream flavors. We have 30 and I had a line of people to help, so I directed her to our new website. She called back, wanting me to walk her through finding it. I couldn't, as we're not allowed, so she called me useless. She showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13618

You deserved it

983

Favorite

By ItWasHotAsBalls - 22/12/2016 00:56

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7460

You deserved it

1601

Favorite

By homeless - 14/12/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30291

You deserved it

8834

Favorite

By ilovedirt - 10/7/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34238

You deserved it

3744

Favorite

By - 11/6/2019 12:49

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2203

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16382

You deserved it

42639

Favorite

By tooembarassed - 3/2/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26438

You deserved it

3578

Favorite

By youredisgusting - 3/10/2014 07:00 - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33954

You deserved it

2665

Favorite

By calidumbass - 14/1/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8641

You deserved it

121221

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 12:00

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4855

You deserved it

355

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 22:06 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47477

You deserved it

15822

Favorite

By aelia_oups - 31/12/2013 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

52204

You deserved it

7509

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I got a paper back that was given a zero for suspected plagiarism. Everything I wrote was my own thought and analysis. My instructor basically thinks my paper is smarter than I am. He won't listen, even when I explain my thought processes throughout the piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46540

You deserved it

2712

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34172

You deserved it

8871

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/12/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23619

You deserved it

2331

Favorite

By gamerlaura - 21/7/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Blaenau-ffestiniog

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12593

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1427

Favorite

By Elephant1718 - 12/6/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46763

You deserved it

3032

Favorite

By iliku - 1/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1403

You deserved it

186

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27617

You deserved it

3842

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/2/2015 14:51 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32406

You deserved it

20740

Favorite

By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - 5/1/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4591

You deserved it

394

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By I_Go_Commando | 0

#96570 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:02

If this isn't motivation enough to get your ass in shape, i don't know what is.

By xxyumtasticxx | 0

#96577 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:03

it's like family guy

Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid.

COMMENTS

By Jasper_fml | 0

#96569 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:02

dude, that's rad.
also, first.

By I_Go_Commando | 0

#96570 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:02

If this isn't motivation enough to get your ass in shape, i don't know what is.

By chadbrochill70 | 0

#96572 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:02

http://johnnylongdong.mybrute.com/

By xxyumtasticxx | 0

#96577 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:03

it's like family guy

Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid.

InsanePPG | 25

#612299 - Friday 9 October 2009 20:52

My thoughts exactly.

By twilighter_644 | 0

#96585 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:05

hahaha thats horrible FYL

By DaemonDoC | 0

#96606 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:10

hahahaha:) not fml imho. just a nice joke xD

By mf_fml | 0

#96610 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:11

#4, exactly what i thought of too.

By ilikerainbows | 0

#96615 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:12

FYL for the security guard being an idiot. But also, YDI for being fat.

By sarcasticsally | 0

#96632 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:15

Yeah, definitely straight out of Family Guy, when the security guard tells Chris he needs the two hams back...

By rukusrazor | 0

#96651 - Thursday 9 April 2009 20:23

it's funny cuz you're fat.