Miscellaneous: Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her... - FML

By bronzemedal97 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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Late term

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

By Birthday Surprise - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By Ayeya - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By unlucky_number13 - United States

Today, my crush came over and we began to fool around. He started to kiss my stomach, and just when I was getting into it, he pulled away with a disgusted look on his face, wiped his mouth, and said, "We'll continue this when you get rid of all your bellybutton lint." FML

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By disfunctionalfamily - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

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By RKD - United States - Panama City

Dodged a bullet, TBH

Today, my girlfriend, whom I thought I would marry, broke up with me. She broke up with me because I don't believe the government controls the weather. Um, what? FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By P0wned - France

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

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By Just Set Me On Fire

Nope.

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

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By confused - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

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By blanknameisblank - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

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By escortedout - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

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By compguy - United States

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

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By noname - France

Today, I decide to go to my ex-girlfriend's house to bring her stuff back. I broke up with her earlier this week after a 2 year relationship, and I'd hoped she would have realized her mistake and ask me to stay for a bit and talk. I ring the doorbell and her new boyfriend opens the door. FML

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By poorclubgoer - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

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By randomsamm - United States - Birmingham

Alas, poor Donatello

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

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By Sam - Belgium

Today, on the way to an exam I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured and waited for the paramedics. I was too late at school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse and I failed the exam. It was an examination of my first aid skills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

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By rawr

Losing my mind

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

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By Sittinginthecorner - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

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By chiraag87 - United States

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

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By lonerjik - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Tatamagouche

Today, I was singing in the shower, not realising the window was open. When I got out, the neighbours were at the front door, loudly arguing with my mother. They were complaining about my awful singing. FML

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By gothchick201013 - United States - Dayton

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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By lily

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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By kel - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

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By dumpedovergame - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

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By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

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By justmyluck?

Today, I ate at Chipotle. There was a girl sitting alone, so I asked if I could eat lunch with her. She said yes, and as I sat down I tried to open my bag of chips. When trying to do so, my hand slipped, and I punched myself in the face. She laughed, and promptly left. FML

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By Kin - United States

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Campinas

Today, while mourning my friend's recent passing, my dad told me to shut the fuck up because "worse things are going on in the world". FML

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By whoababy55 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

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By squeltorey - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

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By welly223 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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By deucelututi - United States

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

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Top comments

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#307736 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Tell her u've got amnesia & can't remember her

By dogsickftl | 0

#307701 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

'HEADS UP' Sorry, Couldn't resist. LMFAO must of been funny.

COMMENTS

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#307693 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:01

Auch, she said sorry right?

#1 :D

By dogsickftl | 0

#307701 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

'HEADS UP' Sorry, Couldn't resist. LMFAO must of been funny.

By cucuto89 | 0

#307727 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:05

Cool Story BRo

Reply

LiznessMonster | 9

#1866538 - Sunday 19 December 2010 17:55

Are you high?

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4222375 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 17:08

You have to be high to say cool story Bro...?
I must be constantly high then, cause I tease my friends by saying "Cool story bro, do you tell it at parties?"

By Weil | 0

#307734 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:06

If she was your girlfriend, you shouldn't have been THAT surprised.

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#307736 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Tell her u've got amnesia & can't remember her

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4222392 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 17:15

"Baby, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! How are you feeling?"
"....Excuse me, but.... Who are you?"
"What? Babe, stop that's not funny."
"Why do you keep calling me babe and baby?? I don't know you!"
"We've been together for (x amount of time)! I'm your girlfriend!"
"I'm sorry.... I just don't remember you!"

You get where this is going.

By aback | 4

#307738 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Make her get her own damn snack food and goose her good.

Reply

ChadHelton | 8

#6402548 - Saturday 5 September 2015 6:59

I don't know why this stuck me funny

By mzbosii | 0

#307740 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Ooouuuccch

By BlackberryStone | 0

#307743 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:08

LMAO #5

By FBIWarning | 0

#307745 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:08

Skiddish much?

By candy_cane_child | 0

#307751 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:09

Poor thing! She's probably beating herself up over it! Don't be too hard on her.