Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her... - FML

By bronzemedal97 - 15/6/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Not a cheating!

TMI

By Charity Taylor - 18/10/2019 22:00

Some pain, no gain

Today, after establishing that we have no idea what's wrong with me, only that it's chronic pain, my doctor informed me that even though I've been dealing with increasingly worse symptoms for years, I'm not a "good applicant" for pain medication. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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By Dammit - 15/8/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to be safe and tested a small dime-sized amount of Nair on my inner arm before using it. I didn't react badly. But as soon as it was washed off from my down-there hair I sure as hell reacted, with small bumpy red dots that look like an STD. FML

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By Spider fail - 31/5/2016 19:06 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:42 - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

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By LH0026 - 6/8/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

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By grossedout - 8/9/2011 06:34 - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By Ovie - 25/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - 6/7/2014 20:27 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By mistake - 11/5/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2015 20:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML

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By iharethissomuxh - 11/11/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

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By caaarl - 19/4/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

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By Rob - 6/6/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

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By Rumpkis - 5/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

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By Grosssss - 15/7/2016 16:08 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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By owmyfoot - 24/2/2014 02:22 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By likearacehorse - 12/2/2013 22:58 - United States - Franklin Lakes

Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML

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By Username - 7/6/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear "it's not gonna suck itself." FML

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By Itsnotmeitsyou - 11/10/2013 06:09 - Australia

Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML

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By Molly Lee - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Stay safe

Today, after going to the ophthalmologist, I got some really cute glasses. When I got home, my dad saw them and told me that when he was in high school, they called girls with those glasses BC. When I asked what BC stood for, he said, "Birth control." FML

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By confiancedecrise - 22/5/2017 16:00

Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 12/7/2020 08:01

Boom!

Today, I was laying with my cat when someone set off a firework next to my window. Now I have stitches and a bed covered in blood. FML

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By ReallyRyan? - 1/9/2018 06:00

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

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By mommy - 23/6/2019 02:27

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2010 17:04 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 08:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

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By SteroidPenguin - 18/5/2013 22:33 - United States - Clifton

Today, I told my dad that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. He responded by blaring sad breakup songs as loud as he could throughout the house, just to see me "cry like a bitch". FML

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By rabbitkiller - 20/6/2015 10:42 - China - Wuhai

Today, I went to my boyfriends house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

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By desigirl - 10/11/2015 01:03 - United States - Johnson City

Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 23:12 - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

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By definatelynotamurderer - 3/3/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 21:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 04:17 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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Top comments

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#307736 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Tell her u've got amnesia & can't remember her

By dogsickftl | 0

#307701 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

'HEADS UP' Sorry, Couldn't resist. LMFAO must of been funny.

COMMENTS

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#307693 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:01

Auch, she said sorry right?

#1 :D

By dogsickftl | 0

#307701 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

'HEADS UP' Sorry, Couldn't resist. LMFAO must of been funny.

By cucuto89 | 0

#307727 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:05

Cool Story BRo

Reply

LiznessMonster | 9

#1866538 - Sunday 19 December 2010 17:55

Are you high?

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4222375 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 17:08

You have to be high to say cool story Bro...?
I must be constantly high then, cause I tease my friends by saying "Cool story bro, do you tell it at parties?"

By Weil | 0

#307734 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:06

If she was your girlfriend, you shouldn't have been THAT surprised.

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#307736 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Tell her u've got amnesia & can't remember her

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#4222392 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 17:15

"Baby, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! How are you feeling?"
"....Excuse me, but.... Who are you?"
"What? Babe, stop that's not funny."
"Why do you keep calling me babe and baby?? I don't know you!"
"We've been together for (x amount of time)! I'm your girlfriend!"
"I'm sorry.... I just don't remember you!"

You get where this is going.

By aback | 4

#307738 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Make her get her own damn snack food and goose her good.

Reply

ChadHelton | 8

#6402548 - Saturday 5 September 2015 6:59

I don't know why this stuck me funny

By mzbosii | 0

#307740 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:07

Ooouuuccch

By BlackberryStone | 0

#307743 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:08

LMAO #5

By FBIWarning | 0

#307745 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:08

Skiddish much?

By candy_cane_child | 0

#307751 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:09

Poor thing! She's probably beating herself up over it! Don't be too hard on her.