Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty...

By nose hurts - 30/12/2013 01:01 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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Work

Nice neighborhood

In my day…

Business savvy

By Employee - 7/8/2012 19:17 - United States - Lincoln

Today, while at work, I used the restroom. After I noticed we were out of paper towels, I just tried shaking my hands dry. I then readjusted my bra, since it'd been driving me crazy all day. After getting back to my cubicle, I realized that I had two wet handprints over my boobs. FML

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By Jordan - 2/4/2015 19:58 - Jordan - Amman

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year old guy. FML

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By shaverguy - 15/6/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home she thanked me over and over again and then said "thank god you have no life!" FML

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By KMAC - 16/3/2010 20:14 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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By Matt L. - 30/7/2020 14:02

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my car insurance called about "the car I hit" on Monday night. Monday, I'd gone to the girl I’ve been seeing for a month's house for chicken parm and to meet her parents. I parked on the street. Her dad ran into the back of my car, leaving a dent. I never got the chicken parm either. FML

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By unknown - 27/2/2012 17:42 - United States

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

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By anon - 19/6/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By elite - 19/1/2012 21:59

Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML

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By momof2boys - 19/1/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, my two boys decided to draw in permanent marker on the leather seats of the car I have had up for sale for 3 weeks with no interest. I call my husband to tell him we're going to have to keep it. He just made an appointment with a guy who has cash and is ready to buy it tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By BadTime - 30/8/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2016 13:48 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

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By FMBs - 30/4/2014 23:40 - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

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By fuckingbeliebers - 4/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Gorham

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

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By weirdo - 21/2/2010 08:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I was in my car studying on the campus parking lot. It was cold outside so I had the windows up. I had a severe upset stomach and was privately drowning in my own flatulence. Moments later, my crush knocks on the window to ask me something. I had to roll the windows down. FML

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By MrDanito - 28/4/2016 06:21 - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By ohseven6421 - 3/9/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 21:58 - United States

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

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By Ashley Harn - 23/8/2018 18:30

Today, I found out I'm allergic to something in the city water. I've had itchy patches and rashes all over my body, but I can't afford to pay for the filtration system that would solve it. My landlord forbids any modifications to the shower and washing machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

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By Female - 12/2/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 15:11 - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

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By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By gpistas - 23/5/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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By tryon777 - 29/7/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML

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By Aldoch - 30/5/2012 22:41

Today, my daughter was still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

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By rj93 - 5/11/2011 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By daddy - 22/12/2008 05:43 - France

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where was the police? They were 500m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 21:17 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I went to work and said hi to my boss. He reached towards me. I thought he was trying to give me a hug, so I awkwardly hugged him back. Turned out he was just trying to fix my shirt collar. FML

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By mn167109 - 9/12/2014 05:45 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 13:25 - United States - Evansville

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML

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By uh-oh - 25/3/2012 05:49 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

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By badass - 13/8/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

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By hifhfan - 5/6/2014 11:12 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

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By Pastrygirl - 11/7/2016 22:00

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

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Top comments

By fightingkittens | 39

#5295301 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:44

Surprise buttsex?

Oh, I'll probably get hell for this.

By sux4u121 | 10

#5295306 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:45

I would look at this as a good thing. Sure you may have embarrased yourself but she is clearly interested in you.

COMMENTS

By fightingkittens | 39

#5295301 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:44

Surprise buttsex?

Oh, I'll probably get hell for this.

TrueTriage | 16

#5295330 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:47

At least you saw it coming.

fightingkittens | 39

#5295360 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:54

This is what happens when I'm online at 2 AM. The word vomit just comes straight out.

lilhellian | 26

#5295370 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:57

But this puppy didn't see the word "vomit" in the first post... ^.^

fightingkittens | 39

#5295390 - Sunday 30 December 2013 11:13

* cue Zoidberg voice *

Your joke was bad.
And you should feel bad.

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5295423 - Sunday 30 December 2013 11:51

24 do you feel bad?

seandoc | 13

#5295428 - Sunday 30 December 2013 11:56

Just look up Suprise on Youtube, and you'll see the funniest Team Fortress 2 video ever.

screenager5 | 35

#5295445 - Sunday 30 December 2013 12:15

...how does an innocent butt slap turn into buttsex? o.O

fightingkittens | 39

#5295450 - Sunday 30 December 2013 12:18

27 tried to reply to my shitty comment with a shitty comment of his own, in an apparent attempt to nullify the shittiness. Fail.

seandoc | 13

#5296461 - Sunday 30 December 2013 19:48

No #34, I failed to make you laugh. I didn't attempt to nullify YOUR shittiness, shithead.

starbunnytwinkle | 3

#5297645 - Monday 31 December 2013 5:27

33.. You've obviously never watched porn..

screenager5 | 35

#5299081 - Monday 31 December 2013 10:33

70- damn. you're right. guess my ignorance gave me away. >.

Seany_93 | 17

#5309032 - Saturday 5 January 2013 2:29

Ill show ya

By sux4u121 | 10

#5295306 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:45

I would look at this as a good thing. Sure you may have embarrased yourself but she is clearly interested in you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5295602 - Sunday 30 December 2013 14:09

Or she's clowning your ass (pardon the pun). Step wisely, brother...

patrickalamo | 47

#5295706 - Sunday 30 December 2013 15:04

She is laughing, step one. Now go make fun of the event with her... You two are on the same side, step two.

amillionbucks | 5

#5295762 - Sunday 30 December 2013 15:34

Well, now you have a free pass to smack her ass. You know what to do.

By EsotericBrent | 29

#5295308 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:46

Well you did leave yourself vulnerable to a surprise attack.

By a1f0sff | 25

#5295310 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:46

Your injured face shouldn't help either... if you got hurt.