Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty...

By nose hurts - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Not now!

Official meeting

By thisbethed - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

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24839

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By notmansbestfriend - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

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By gunnerdog - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

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45072

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By fd - United States

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

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12444

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By ohshittttttt - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

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22461

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By Tony - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

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64116

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By spiritbeast33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came out of the closet. Now whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with my dad he says, "Lesgo, lesbo." FML

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60308

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

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3056

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380

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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41877

You deserved it

8714

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By Krystyn Gareau - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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25027

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By randomdude3890 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

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17302

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1617

You deserved it

248

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

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29276

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By Murlocmurk - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27526

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By Anonymous - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37851

You deserved it

3068

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By qtpieo1 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41395

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9607

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By kal - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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12482

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36851

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By Samuel - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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29234

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3981

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Minden

Family man

Today, my fiancé told me that his work is more important than our family. We have 2 kids. FML

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896

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140

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By cndpost - Canada

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

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9792

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42555

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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20919

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By DocDog

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

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4595

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469

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

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766

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By picasso - United States

Today, I was partnered up with a girl in my art class, since the teacher had asked us to take turns drawing portraits of each other. I went first and felt pretty proud of how the drawing turned out. I showed it to her and she said "That's OK. I'm not good at drawing either." FML

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29916

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By really? - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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45600

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3010

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By UnderAcheiver - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

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13453

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By somuchhatesolittleworld - United States - Houston

Today, I started my first training day using an MRI machine and completely forgot to remove my nipple piercings before I went in. I've never experienced a pain so vile and lingering in my life. FML

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11155

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10062

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By representative

Today, I was let go without warning at work. Why? Because my boss saw some comments I'd posted. Nothing I'd said was offensive or controversial, but he said he didn't care, because he didn't agree with it and didn't want me to "smear" the company name. I represent the company? I just serve coffee. FML

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4585

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By unnamed - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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15479

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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1554

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111

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By teflon_hammer - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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11804

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By Heyy - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML

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37942

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11995

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By Joel - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

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17480

You deserved it

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By Username - United States

Today, my daughter in law sent me another romantic text that was meant for her husband. Not only can't she spell for shit, the clichés she uses are horrifyingly embarrassing. The fact this keeps happening makes me want to slam her head in the oven. FML

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32617

You deserved it

4594

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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28817

You deserved it

2660

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By pissed - United States

Today, I was on Facebook looking at pictures of my boyfriend, who was in his friend's wedding this past weekend. He said that none of the girlfriends could come because it would cost too much for the couple. I spent the weekend alone, and all his friend's girlfriends are in the pictures. FML

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63037

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

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38274

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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40857

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3629

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By BloodyHorror

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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1556

You deserved it

300

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By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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30347

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Top comments

By fightingkittens | 39

#5295301 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:44

Surprise buttsex?

Oh, I'll probably get hell for this.

By sux4u121 | 10

#5295306 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:45

I would look at this as a good thing. Sure you may have embarrased yourself but she is clearly interested in you.

COMMENTS

By fightingkittens | 39

#5295301 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:44

Surprise buttsex?

Oh, I'll probably get hell for this.

TrueTriage | 16

#5295330 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:47

At least you saw it coming.

fightingkittens | 39

#5295360 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:54

This is what happens when I'm online at 2 AM. The word vomit just comes straight out.

lilhellian | 26

#5295370 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:57

But this puppy didn't see the word "vomit" in the first post... ^.^

fightingkittens | 39

#5295390 - Sunday 30 December 2013 11:13

* cue Zoidberg voice *

Your joke was bad.
And you should feel bad.

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5295423 - Sunday 30 December 2013 11:51

24 do you feel bad?

seandoc | 13

#5295428 - Sunday 30 December 2013 11:56

Just look up Suprise on Youtube, and you'll see the funniest Team Fortress 2 video ever.

screenager5 | 35

#5295445 - Sunday 30 December 2013 12:15

...how does an innocent butt slap turn into buttsex? o.O

fightingkittens | 39

#5295450 - Sunday 30 December 2013 12:18

27 tried to reply to my shitty comment with a shitty comment of his own, in an apparent attempt to nullify the shittiness. Fail.

seandoc | 13

#5296461 - Sunday 30 December 2013 19:48

No #34, I failed to make you laugh. I didn't attempt to nullify YOUR shittiness, shithead.

starbunnytwinkle | 3

#5297645 - Monday 31 December 2013 5:27

33.. You've obviously never watched porn..

screenager5 | 35

#5299081 - Monday 31 December 2013 10:33

70- damn. you're right. guess my ignorance gave me away. >.

Seany_93 | 17

#5309032 - Saturday 5 January 2013 2:29

Ill show ya

By sux4u121 | 10

#5295306 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:45

I would look at this as a good thing. Sure you may have embarrased yourself but she is clearly interested in you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5295602 - Sunday 30 December 2013 14:09

Or she's clowning your ass (pardon the pun). Step wisely, brother...

patrickalamo | 47

#5295706 - Sunday 30 December 2013 15:04

She is laughing, step one. Now go make fun of the event with her... You two are on the same side, step two.

amillionbucks | 5

#5295762 - Sunday 30 December 2013 15:34

Well, now you have a free pass to smack her ass. You know what to do.

By EsotericBrent | 29

#5295308 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:46

Well you did leave yourself vulnerable to a surprise attack.

By a1f0sff | 25

#5295310 - Sunday 30 December 2013 10:46

Your injured face shouldn't help either... if you got hurt.