Work: Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty...

By nose hurts - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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Work

Walk on the wild side

Great speech, thanks!

On yer bike

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

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35080

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By MadameM - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

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41995

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By Anonymous

I don't like to move it, move it

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

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833

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By embarrassed - Canada

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

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10594

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By Spongebob Garypants - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

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11171

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By scared2poop - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

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17284

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By knock_out - United States

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

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37773

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By Julie

Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML

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By LostSleep - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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11671

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By LivingBroke

Sorry mate, you're on your own

Today, I signed the lease for a flat that a mate and I decided to move into. About five minutes after leaving the renting agency, I received a text from my mate saying he couldn't move in with me after all. I am now the happy tenant of a large inner city flat that I can't afford. FML

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4083

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By lol - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

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By snappyPi

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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30037

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By slingshot - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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10657

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By millie219 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

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By jessiethebestie - United States

Today, I learned that for the next two months I'll get to train physicians on how to use the computer program that has made my job obsolete. I've known this program was coming for months, but I didn't know it would be taking my job. FML

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13578

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By iskalion - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

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26244

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By xloverin - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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23071

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12075

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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5696

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393

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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33424

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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39791

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

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21711

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

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25196

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By Kiera Ayala

Today, I got into bed as my cat crept under it. I then heard him gagging, so I instantly got back up to get him out, because my floor is carpeted. As I pulled him into the hall, he flew upwards, made a horrific "Blagh!" sound, projectile vomited everywhere, then hit the wall and ran. FML

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1501

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By ItsFunnyNow - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

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By maddy - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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22727

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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1616

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By Disgruntled - United States - Jamestown

Today, it's been exactly two years since I got my last raise. And the amount I got still allows me the luxury of being able to afford a Snickers bar every month. FML

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23397

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By NotAGoodStart - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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1719

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 05:04

Free carer

Today, my mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I, where she shits the bed and herself. There's a waiting list for the nursing home, so in the meantime I’m cleaning up her shit and she isn’t even my mother. FML

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859

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML

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38606

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

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32617

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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28542

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By Allen - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

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10882

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By frankie034 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

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52573

You deserved it

9109

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By taurus05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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25010

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By ohforcheese - United States

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29527

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was called ugly and viciously ridiculed by a couple of teenage girls. They were wearing uggs and vests that made them look like a freak-show of bleached pomeranians. FML

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33769

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3148

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By teejayrn - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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32692

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By so scared - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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46550

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Top comments

By fightingkittens | 39

#5295301 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:44

Surprise buttsex?

Oh, I'll probably get hell for this.

By sux4u121 | 10

#5295306 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:45

I would look at this as a good thing. Sure you may have embarrased yourself but she is clearly interested in you.

COMMENTS

By fightingkittens | 39

#5295301 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:44

Surprise buttsex?

Oh, I'll probably get hell for this.

TrueTriage | 16

#5295330 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:47

At least you saw it coming.

fightingkittens | 39

#5295360 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:54

This is what happens when I'm online at 2 AM. The word vomit just comes straight out.

lilhellian | 26

#5295370 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:57

But this puppy didn't see the word "vomit" in the first post... ^.^

fightingkittens | 39

#5295390 - Sunday 30 December 2012 11:13

* cue Zoidberg voice *

Your joke was bad.
And you should feel bad.

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5295423 - Sunday 30 December 2012 11:51

24 do you feel bad?

seandoc | 13

#5295428 - Sunday 30 December 2012 11:56

Just look up Suprise on Youtube, and you'll see the funniest Team Fortress 2 video ever.

screenager5 | 35

#5295445 - Sunday 30 December 2012 12:15

...how does an innocent butt slap turn into buttsex? o.O

fightingkittens | 39

#5295450 - Sunday 30 December 2012 12:18

27 tried to reply to my shitty comment with a shitty comment of his own, in an apparent attempt to nullify the shittiness. Fail.

seandoc | 13

#5296461 - Sunday 30 December 2012 19:48

No #34, I failed to make you laugh. I didn't attempt to nullify YOUR shittiness, shithead.

starbunnytwinkle | 3

#5297645 - Monday 31 December 2012 5:27

33.. You've obviously never watched porn..

screenager5 | 35

#5299081 - Monday 31 December 2012 10:33

70- damn. you're right. guess my ignorance gave me away. >.

Seany_93 | 17

#5309032 - Saturday 5 January 2013 2:29

Ill show ya

By sux4u121 | 10

#5295306 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:45

I would look at this as a good thing. Sure you may have embarrased yourself but she is clearly interested in you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5295602 - Sunday 30 December 2012 14:09

Or she's clowning your ass (pardon the pun). Step wisely, brother...

patrickalamo | 47

#5295706 - Sunday 30 December 2012 15:04

She is laughing, step one. Now go make fun of the event with her... You two are on the same side, step two.

amillionbucks | 5

#5295762 - Sunday 30 December 2012 15:34

Well, now you have a free pass to smack her ass. You know what to do.

By EsotericBrent | 29

#5295308 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:46

Well you did leave yourself vulnerable to a surprise attack.

By a1f0sff | 25

#5295310 - Sunday 30 December 2012 10:46

Your injured face shouldn't help either... if you got hurt.