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We ALLLL know what "funny stories" he was reading on the toilet, right FML? Half of you are doing it right now.

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I'm sorry but if I hear weird noises in the bathroom, I finish my business and then leave. He'd be the same jackass to hear footsteps in the attic and decide it's a good idea to go up there and say "Hello?" with nothing but a match, because apparently cellphones are extremely unheard of in situations like that.

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Shallow for being an assuming asshole, making up a BS story to their boss, and getting OP fired.

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Douchecanoe is all over. There's actualy a song called douchecanoe! I think this is a first that I've seen anyone type/say it outside my friends. :P

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I'm with OP doing it himself. Just make sure to sport a ski mask and some Bane-ish speaking device so they can't describe you to the police. And with the Bane mask you can say ridiculous phrases to catch him off guard. You can thank me later, OP. Haha.

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What a shitty co-worker. Hopefully your boss will flush this incident down and allow you to continue working.

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