By fired
Today, I was in the restroom at work, snickering at some funny stories on my phone while I took a dump. Little did I know that the asshole in the next stall would report me to our boss, claiming he'd heard weird noises, then looked over the divider and witnessed me jacking off to porn. FML
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  imaginaryvoice  |  18

I'm sorry but if I hear weird noises in the bathroom, I finish my business and then leave.
He'd be the same jackass to hear footsteps in the attic and decide it's a good idea to go up there and say "Hello?" with nothing but a match, because apparently cellphones are extremely unheard of in situations like that.

  CallMeMcFeelii  |  13

I'm with OP doing it himself. Just make sure to sport a ski mask and some Bane-ish speaking device so they can't describe you to the police. And with the Bane mask you can say ridiculous phrases to catch him off guard. You can thank me later, OP. Haha.