Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my... - FML

By steph - 1/6/2009 04:50 - Canada

Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML

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Billy no-mates

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Breaking Badly

By Username - 11/7/2011 22:23 - United States

Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

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By francesa_loca - 14/10/2011 16:09 - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 16:30 - United States - Kansas City

Today, after paying a job coach a load of money for his services, pretty much the only advice he gave me was "Send out more résumés." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2012 10:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML

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By highleyj - 1/4/2009 08:16 - United States

Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

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By justin bieber's nutsack - 6/6/2015 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said "Never take a shit in this place! Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 10:08 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend came over to console me after a breakup. After beating me repeatedly in Mariokart, she decided to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 18:27 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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By possibly a sweater - 5/12/2013 22:26 - United States - Wharton

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

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By hushnow - 7/2/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

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By Mary - 21/11/2008 10:06 - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By vikhelios - 30/1/2010 18:45 - France

Today, my heating broke. It's 22 degrees outside, and my father won't let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML

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By Terra - 19/11/2016 05:14

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

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By frankie034 - 6/5/2009 07:40 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

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By DaycareMama92 - 28/4/2017 16:00

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

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By jules - 17/4/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I was in the supermarket and I see this little boy trying to reach for something on the top shelf. I go over to him and ask if his mom knows where he is. The boy turns around. He was actually a very angry midget. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2009 16:09 - United States

Right place, wrong time

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

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By lucky? - 19/9/2017 01:30

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

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By muffincakess - 21/1/2010 00:55 - France

Today, I went to buy some spray paint for a project. I've never used a spray can before, so I decided to try it on paper provided. Unfortunately I didn't hold the can the right way and ended up with black, permanent, paint all over my face in the middle of a store. FML

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By franzbiel - 31/10/2009 12:54 - Switzerland

Randy Daddy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

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By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By FidoForever - 20/6/2017 22:00

Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML

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By prisonbitch - 18/2/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By notmarryingyou - 10/9/2014 17:16 - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 15:55 - United States - Amsterdam

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

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By anon - 31/10/2012 04:22 - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2015 18:11 - Australia - Perth

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that The Interview wasn't a documentary and that Kim Jong-un wasn't actually assassinated by a pair of goofy reporters. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - 26/9/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 16:00

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

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By bigcityfail - 7/5/2011 11:54 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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By disgustedgf - 28/6/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 05:23 - United States

Scared shitless

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

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By s13495 - 24/10/2013 15:52 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML

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Top comments

By spillproof | 0

#250600 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:05

Oh wow. Hope the dog was okay.

By redbluegreen | 40

#250616 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:12

Do people not realize where they're kicking? Or look around first?

Seriously, what are we coming to?

COMMENTS

By spillproof | 0

#250600 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:05

Oh wow. Hope the dog was okay.

By Blithe_626 | 0

#250601 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:05

yay 2nd comment!!!

By redbluegreen | 40

#250616 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:12

Do people not realize where they're kicking? Or look around first?

Seriously, what are we coming to?

By sarumanthewhite | 0

#250631 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:21

good. i love the thought of any animal suffering, i hope it's owner took it home and beat it.

By Arcterion | 0

#250632 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:22

Sucks to be you, mang. People should learn to keep their damn dogs on a leash in public.

By lol_seriously | 0

#250634 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:23

FINISH HIM!!

Reply

sugarquill | 0

#1643070 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 7:56

HAHAHAH.

By shortgurlsaywahh | 0

#250636 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:24

First off #4 ur sick and should seek help.

But I feel bad for that poor doggie...you should have just left the ball there.

By Barthez01 | 0

#250640 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:26

Next time you get the urge to think...don't.

By SuperAsianPie | 0

#250652 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:44

my daddy kick me in the face for eat tomato :]

Reply

meepmerp | 20

#5857905 - Friday 14 February 2014 8:02

Haaah?

By stiles_fml | 0

#250656 - Monday 1 June 2009 12:48

#7 u idiot he's joking