Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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Season finale

Workaholic

Cloth ears

By Anonymous - 7/7/2017 11:53 - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

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By dynah114 - 27/1/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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By blutownie13 - 9/4/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "you're welcome." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2012 23:19 - United States

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

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By kingpin9219 - 30/5/2011 04:29 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By nomorefreehugs - 27/6/2011 23:34 - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

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By Bec99 - 15/2/2019 19:00 - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I found out I have celiac disease. I also happen to be a baker and will be constantly reminded of all the wheat products I can no longer enjoy. FML

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By chickety boom - 2/8/2013 12:41 - United States - Austin

Today, my 70-year-old grandmother held a celebration over officially having divorced my grandfather. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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By non-baker - 18/3/2015 02:12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By mustanggt - 2/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

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By holler - 15/9/2011 04:22 - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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By Awkward - 25/4/2011 18:38 - United States

Today, while driving on the highway, I got stuck in a traffic jam. Upon glancing over at the car in the next lane, I saw it was my ex as of a week ago. We sat in barely moving traffic right next to each other for half an hour. FML

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By 1378 - 12/3/2010 08:26 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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By Ihavealisp - 16/2/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2015 10:05 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

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By mylifesucks - 10/7/2013 20:10 - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

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By Dana - 29/1/2010 18:59 - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By YouAREthefather - 18/3/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

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By riiiighhhttttt - 5/8/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - 16/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2014 16:07 - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

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By ItchItchBaby - 9/9/2017 13:00

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By 504-A1 - 11/5/2012 22:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

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By littl3storm - 12/5/2019 21:30

Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML

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By stalked - 28/5/2012 06:24 - United States - Bel Air

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

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By mhmohyeah - 10/11/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

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By Synonymous_Rex - 5/1/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

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By anonymous - 21/10/2013 06:53 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I noticed that my sweat smelled like cat food. FML

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By jackjona - 16/12/2016 06:03 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, I closed the store on my own for the first time. As I was locking the front door, the key broke. Now half the key is stuck and the door is still unlocked. I have to stay until we open in the morning and I'm not getting paid for it. FML

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By dumass - 27/9/2014 02:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, the day before my wife and I leave for our 1 year anniversary trip, I realized my passport expires in 2014, not 2015. Instead of a week's stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, we'll be spending three days in Louisville. Three angry days in Louisville. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 00:49 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By neverhealthy - 1/10/2019 02:01

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By bruh_im18 - 17/9/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By Michelle - 26/4/2010 21:42 - New Zealand

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

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By bleachingmykidsbrains - 1/7/2015 23:38 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

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By lollipopgreen - 1/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By nikkiquila_0699 - 5/9/2009 21:24 - Canada

Today, I came back from my 3 month vacation from France. During my vacation I lost 32lbs and I was so excited to show off my new body to my boyfriend. When he walked in the door he didn't notice me, but he did notice my younger, thinner and tanner sister strutting around in her bikini. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 21:40 - United States - Blain

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

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Top comments

By 0hh_snap | 0

#205965 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:02

That's crap.
I would be so mad.

By tiffanyxo | 0

#205991 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:09

tell the manager what happened, im sure he'll understand.
if he doesnt, online store?

COMMENTS

By ams116 | 0

#205958 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:00

first

By 0hh_snap | 0

#205965 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:02

That's crap.
I would be so mad.

Reply

skigirl98 | 9

#3023807 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 20:17

I know right? Do they want the OP to strip off before evacuating?

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823790 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:38

Well that's what you get for trying to save your life

By TigressUK | 0

#205968 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:02

#1 must have a sad sad life :P

OP - SURELY you could defend yourself? I mean, they all heard the fire alarm right???

By cartering | 0

#205985 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:06

Sorry, but I don't believe this. At least not if you are in the US - do you realize how difficult it is to get people to pay attention to a fire alarm - everyone always assumes its a drill. Maybe its different in other countries though

By tiffanyxo | 0

#205991 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:09

tell the manager what happened, im sure he'll understand.
if he doesnt, online store?

By Heathersaur | 0

#206027 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:24

And...That just sucks.

By XXbadluckgirlXX | 0

#206029 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:25

thats so messed up

By gvschmidt94 | 0

#206052 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:36

Lol. Dude this sucks. But just tell them the story, I'm sure they will understand

By monkeyz0r | 0

#206062 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:40

you just got DURPED

By ditlihi | 0

#206067 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:42

Did you pull the fire alarm?