Miscellaneous: Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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Family values

There's no helping some people

Co-parenting

By Anonymous - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

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By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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By luni - United Kingdom

Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML

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By Sean Martin

Best uncle

Today, I realized that the last 3 months, I've been taking care of my girlfriends 1 year old kid. The other night, she told me that I was a good uncle to him. FML

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By dude, where's my balls? :( - United States - Anchorage

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

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By Gentleman - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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By ninjawhat1337 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friends house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML

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By bella - United States - Edinburg

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

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By KitKat20 - United States - Fargo

Today, I got up early for a doctor's appointment and chugged two cups of coffee. Ten minutes before I was supposed to leave, my doctor calls asking to reschedule, which would have been fine had I not cleared my whole day for this appointment. Now I'm too wired to go back to bed. FML

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By naughtymommy0317 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

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By james88 - United States - Altoona

Today, in an elaborate plan to finally meet my cute neighbor, I convinced my friendly mailman to switch up our mail so I'd have an excuse to meet her. After I delivered her mail, I waited for her to mention that she had my mail, but she never did. I even saw her take it out of her mail box. FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By josie345 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

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By hockusa3 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

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By Dom

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

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By catsonuincorns - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By #201 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

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By xoragebaby - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By broken - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By jobless - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

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By Kiki - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By Baggabbles123 - Canada

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

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By yeah_im_mad_bro - Canada

Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML

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By bluecollar - United States

Today, there was a luncheon at work in another dept. We all went to get some free food and see new faces. There was a hot girl walking around chatting. I grabbed my buddy's arm and told him there was a "nice pair of tits here" He saw her. It's his daughter. She's a new-hire... running HR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Weirdo alert

Today, while running, a man ran up next to me and started jogging with me. He asked if he could run with me and I said yes. Later, when I told him I was going home, he followed me home. When I asked him to leave, he sat down on my lawn in protest. He has been there for over 4 hours. FML

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By Bitchjackedmyball - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

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By cat lady - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

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By intranator - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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By Shaving it off

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “you look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

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By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By whinywiper - Canada

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sandringham

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

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Top comments

By 0hh_snap | 0

#205965 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:02

That's crap.
I would be so mad.

By tiffanyxo | 0

#205991 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:09

tell the manager what happened, im sure he'll understand.
if he doesnt, online store?

COMMENTS

By ams116 | 0

#205958 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:00

first

By 0hh_snap | 0

#205965 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:02

That's crap.
I would be so mad.

Reply

skigirl98 | 9

#3023807 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 20:17

I know right? Do they want the OP to strip off before evacuating?

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823790 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:38

Well that's what you get for trying to save your life

By TigressUK | 0

#205968 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:02

#1 must have a sad sad life :P

OP - SURELY you could defend yourself? I mean, they all heard the fire alarm right???

By cartering | 0

#205985 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:06

Sorry, but I don't believe this. At least not if you are in the US - do you realize how difficult it is to get people to pay attention to a fire alarm - everyone always assumes its a drill. Maybe its different in other countries though

By tiffanyxo | 0

#205991 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:09

tell the manager what happened, im sure he'll understand.
if he doesnt, online store?

By Heathersaur | 0

#206027 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:24

And...That just sucks.

By XXbadluckgirlXX | 0

#206029 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:25

thats so messed up

By gvschmidt94 | 0

#206052 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:36

Lol. Dude this sucks. But just tell them the story, I'm sure they will understand

By monkeyz0r | 0

#206062 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:40

you just got DURPED

By ditlihi | 0

#206067 - Sunday 17 May 2009 16:42

Did you pull the fire alarm?