Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me....

By devinbyrne - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Nice neighborhood

Phantom pooper

By I don’t stink - 1/5/2020 20:00

No pain, no meds

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

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By PhilDavisDied? - France

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite rock songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

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By Googlebug - United States

Today, my dad, who lives hours away, called and told me he was getting married. Today. As in this evening. Guess I'm not invited. FML

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By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

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By ugh - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

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By Bobby - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while housesitting my neighbor's dogs the phone rang. I answered it and a voice said, "Stop checking your Facebook and take care of my dogs. They look like they need to go out." FML

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By fuckface? I wish - Australia - Diamond Beach

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

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By sillvy - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

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By Taylor - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest "no." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML

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By Jakesssss - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

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By yayaimannoying - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By David - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

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By Sadwife - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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By itsme

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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By Thescarlettfox - 17/9/2020 16:58

Now Playing

Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML

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By Crazy09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had an ultrasound tomorrow morning. With a confused look on my face, she said to me "don't worry, it's not yours." FML

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By Veronica Rambo

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

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By MovingOut - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

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By bruh

Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML

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By Today - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

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By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

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By perfect - Canada - Whitby

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By BakedBat - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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By volleyballgirl - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

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By hborkowski - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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By Magicfml - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

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By prian - Canada

Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

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By Lewis - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By Otherguy - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#2153181 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Is it wrong that I laughed because I thought of Ghostbusters as I read that last part? Fuhohohoho!~

By WeeWizeL | 0

#2153187 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Must have pissed you off...

COMMENTS

By andiles | 0

#2153173 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:31

first

iBanana | 17

#2153786 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:19

Either his wife was having a baby and he had to hurry, or... his husband was in the process of adopting.

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2153825 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:32

today, I had to pee so bad I could barley hold it. I ran to the bathroom, and the guy in the first urinal was taking to long. I had to use the same urinal as him. FML.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2155238 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:02

Did he buy you dinner?

andyp010 | 10

#2155365 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:56

Yellow Light-Saber fight lol

Alpha35 | 4

#2161306 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 9:02

LMFAO HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2877967 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:19

I'm pretty sure that makes you gay op

By Mirorbo | 26

#2153181 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Is it wrong that I laughed because I thought of Ghostbusters as I read that last part? Fuhohohoho!~

Zmeilerr | 22

#2153286 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:58

No darling, perfectly normal!

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2153417 - Sunday 6 March 2011 2:40

Hahaha, nope! When I read the part about crossing the streams, I yelled in my head "Nooo! Don't cross the streams!"

It makes you awesome in my book =D

ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#2153458 - Sunday 6 March 2011 2:57

I, too, thought of this immediately. LOL. I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go!

sueannpalma | 7

#2153737 - Sunday 6 March 2011 4:53

same with me lmao

Uscdrew1 | 7

#2153809 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:29

Best movie ever.

kona314 | 1

#2153970 - Sunday 6 March 2011 6:26

Totally thought of it too, you're not crazy ;)

nmitche95 | 0

#2154103 - Sunday 6 March 2011 7:45

when there is something weird, in the bathroom, who u gonna call?!? GHOSTBUSTERS

FYLDeep | 25

#2154161 - Sunday 6 March 2011 8:19

Since when was Charlie Sheen a Ghostbuster though?

Buddy360 | 0

#2155743 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:13

raywilliamjohnson is awesome

shockwave259 | 6

#2161574 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 11:24

I thought of the same thing XD

alphatoomega | 21

#5388261 - Friday 1 March 2013 13:09

I think that's what most people think of. I sure did.

By mrnrlson | 0

#2153183 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

gay

By WeeWizeL | 0

#2153187 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Must have pissed you off...

purplecowchik | 5

#2153332 - Sunday 6 March 2011 2:13

Oh I see what you did there! You are quite a funny guy.

Tracy_Evans | 2

#2154068 - Sunday 6 March 2011 7:31

LOL

BigBagel | 0

#2154586 - Sunday 6 March 2011 10:42

Swordfight!

andyp010 | 10

#2155382 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:59

light saber I believe mate

LadiiOfCurves | 0

#2164355 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 7:49

LMFAO

By fizzypop14 | 3

#2153189 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:34

when you gotta go you gotta go...

jessicarenee88 | 0

#2153202 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:37

jinx! funny we posted the same comment at the same time...

NirvashType0Spec | 7

#2153247 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:47

not really cuz you posted it at :35 he posted it at :34

sourgirl101 | 28

#2153543 - Sunday 6 March 2011 3:32

Come on! Give Jessica some extra credit. She did type a longer comment so it took an extra minute.(:

Btw I thought "jinx" before I entered the comment reply section.