Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me....

By devinbyrne - 5/3/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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Miscellaneous

Assumptions

Live dumping

Weird kid

By impatient amy - 27/1/2009 14:23 - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

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By FullCircleProblem - 27/1/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

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By Cantunsee - 26/8/2018 06:00

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

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By andrie09 - 7/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

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By Mishlette - 23/1/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

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By Nazi-chef - 24/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

No mash for you!

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 23:14 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 21:58 - United States

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

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By Jordan - 29/5/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

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By debiebs - 29/12/2016 12:04 - Brazil - Salvador

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has a Facebook account. He said he didn't have one. Apparently he's not divorced after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

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By keep_your_eyes_on_the_sidewalk - 25/6/2018 15:00

Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML

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By Keldar - 19/8/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

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By Gavin - 20/2/2012 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 23:32 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, for the nth time, my father reminded me that I should study things related to the "real" world, as if I was studying theology, astrology or something. I'm studying for a master's degree in physics. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 06:02 - Australia - Perth

Ninja!

Today, after getting home from my morning run, I found my brand new leather couch with scratches all over it and smelling of cat piss. I don't have a cat. FML

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By Clumsy76 - 20/4/2018 15:00

Today, I moved into a new downstairs flat. I promptly fell down said stairs. I have a broken pelvis now and can't walk or go down steps for 3 months. FML

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By awkward - 22/2/2014 05:39 - United States

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

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By fuck right off - 4/4/2015 17:32 - United Kingdom - Coalville

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

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By ivannooze - 29/7/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 01:31 - United States

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

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By Zach Got Robbed - 8/1/2014 23:02 - United States - Clifton

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

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By blondie101 - 9/12/2011 06:11 - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

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By dating a manchild - 1/6/2012 23:50 - Denmark - Hellerup

Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML

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By faaail - 24/3/2015 16:51 - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2018 20:30

Today, I rested my face against my boyfriend's shoulder while we watched a movie. I didn’t realize he had put Icy Hot on the same shoulder right before I sat down. I cried in pain. He cried with laughter. FML

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By mochiko - 9/8/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my little brother. I saw him touching some expensive objects, so I slapped his arm. I noticed he wasn't my brother when he started crying and his real mom slapped me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 06:01

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By TimeForANewJob - 16/1/2017 17:47

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

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By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

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By thankshun13 - 7/9/2012 02:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

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By grovage - 3/5/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

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By liberatedwoman - 11/8/2009 14:57 - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

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By unknown - 27/2/2012 17:42 - United States

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

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By stuckass - 5/4/2016 09:02 - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

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By Daniel - 27/6/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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By yamblam5 - 29/5/2016 03:32 - United States - Monroe

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

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By Abr829 - 9/11/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing an essay for English. I was proud of it and thought it was one of my best works. I decided to show it to my mom, who is an English major. She read it, turned to me and said, "You know, if you actually want to go to UCLA, you're going to need to actually try." FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#2153181 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Is it wrong that I laughed because I thought of Ghostbusters as I read that last part? Fuhohohoho!~

By WeeWizeL | 0

#2153187 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Must have pissed you off...

COMMENTS

By andiles | 0

#2153173 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:31

first

iBanana | 17

#2153786 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:19

Either his wife was having a baby and he had to hurry, or... his husband was in the process of adopting.

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2153825 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:32

today, I had to pee so bad I could barley hold it. I ran to the bathroom, and the guy in the first urinal was taking to long. I had to use the same urinal as him. FML.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2155238 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:02

Did he buy you dinner?

andyp010 | 10

#2155365 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:56

Yellow Light-Saber fight lol

Alpha35 | 4

#2161306 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 9:02

LMFAO HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2877967 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:19

I'm pretty sure that makes you gay op

By Mirorbo | 26

#2153181 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Is it wrong that I laughed because I thought of Ghostbusters as I read that last part? Fuhohohoho!~

Zmeilerr | 22

#2153286 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:58

No darling, perfectly normal!

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2153417 - Sunday 6 March 2011 2:40

Hahaha, nope! When I read the part about crossing the streams, I yelled in my head "Nooo! Don't cross the streams!"

It makes you awesome in my book =D

ArthursLifeSucks | 2

#2153458 - Sunday 6 March 2011 2:57

I, too, thought of this immediately. LOL. I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go!

sueannpalma | 7

#2153737 - Sunday 6 March 2011 4:53

same with me lmao

Uscdrew1 | 7

#2153809 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:29

Best movie ever.

kona314 | 1

#2153970 - Sunday 6 March 2011 6:26

Totally thought of it too, you're not crazy ;)

nmitche95 | 0

#2154103 - Sunday 6 March 2011 7:45

when there is something weird, in the bathroom, who u gonna call?!? GHOSTBUSTERS

FYLDeep | 25

#2154161 - Sunday 6 March 2011 8:19

Since when was Charlie Sheen a Ghostbuster though?

Buddy360 | 0

#2155743 - Sunday 6 March 2011 16:13

raywilliamjohnson is awesome

shockwave259 | 6

#2161574 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 11:24

I thought of the same thing XD

alphatoomega | 21

#5388261 - Friday 1 March 2013 13:09

I think that's what most people think of. I sure did.

By mrnrlson | 0

#2153183 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

gay

By WeeWizeL | 0

#2153187 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:33

Must have pissed you off...

purplecowchik | 5

#2153332 - Sunday 6 March 2011 2:13

Oh I see what you did there! You are quite a funny guy.

Tracy_Evans | 2

#2154068 - Sunday 6 March 2011 7:31

LOL

BigBagel | 0

#2154586 - Sunday 6 March 2011 10:42

Swordfight!

andyp010 | 10

#2155382 - Sunday 6 March 2011 13:59

light saber I believe mate

LadiiOfCurves | 0

#2164355 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 7:49

LMFAO

By fizzypop14 | 3

#2153189 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:34

when you gotta go you gotta go...

jessicarenee88 | 0

#2153202 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:37

jinx! funny we posted the same comment at the same time...

NirvashType0Spec | 7

#2153247 - Sunday 6 March 2011 1:47

not really cuz you posted it at :35 he posted it at :34

sourgirl101 | 28

#2153543 - Sunday 6 March 2011 3:32

Come on! Give Jessica some extra credit. She did type a longer comment so it took an extra minute.(:

Btw I thought "jinx" before I entered the comment reply section.