By amg85904 - United States

Fart are funny, period

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

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Serious times

Taking stock

Craft beer bores

By WhoNose

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

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By bob - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

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By spleechick - United States

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

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By Thanks Fred

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

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By AZW

Today, I have come to realise that my brother's fling is at a higher priority to my parents than me, their own flesh and blood. FML

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By Sarah91

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

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By Moosh - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

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By alicia - Canada - Montreal

Wanker

Today, I had to explain to my fiancé that having me watch him jerk off over a porno is not in fact considered foreplay. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl

Today, my boyfriend finally answered my Snapchats. He was laying on a bed with purple pillows and sheets. His are gray. FML

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By checkthelabel - United States - Fremont

Today, I had a throbbing cluster headache. It didn't help matters when an angry customer yelled at me because a dress was "defective." Why was it defective? It didn't fit her. Why didn't it fit her? It was the wrong size. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sexy time

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By MSURebel70 - United States

Today, I found out I've been incorrectly sorting thousands of papers for the past two weeks. My boss wanted them sorted by date, but the co-worker who instructed me said to sort them into alphabetical order just to watch me fail. FML

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By angel grace

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

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By of course

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By msassy - United States - Lexington

Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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By caisse à outs - France - Saint Quentin

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By Weedle

Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

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By jobsearching - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I ran into my boss outside of work. She smiled, and started trying to have an in-depth chat with me. I wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for the fact I ran into her at a club, whilst they were having an S and M theme night. And we were both fully dressed up for it. FML

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By authentic - United States

Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 20:01

Welcome

Today, I had to clean out my husband's brother's room as he is moving. The room was filled with childish toys, mould and years of dust covered everything. Behind and under every piece of furniture were earwax encrusted cotton swabs, hundreds of them. Oh yeah, he's moving in with us. FML

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By ilovemom - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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By c.hip - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By LordCrafte - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

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By keyless - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, late for work, I called my dad to see if he knew where my keys were. Turns out he'd taken them on holiday with him because they have a bottle opener on them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Killington

Today, I found a wounded turkey in our backyard. I brought it inside, put it in a cage, and tended to its wounds. I then left. When I got back home, I smelled the wonderful aroma of my mother's cooking. She had prepared a turkey, the one I'd rescued. FML

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By Mark - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I was feeling terrible so I called in sick to work. My boss refused to believe me and told me he'd fire me if I didn't come in. I dragged myself to work, only to spend most of the day glued to the toilet. Now he says I won't be paid for the day because I barely did any work. FML

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By dasnich - United States

Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

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By yamblam5 - United States - Monroe

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

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By baby.momma2 - 26/11/2020 19:58

Dominion

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

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By whatthewoah - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML

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By brooklyn0118

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

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By waytootan - United States

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

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Top comments

By Drew_D | 0

#46 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 16:24

I just laughed so hard I farted.

By alwaysalady | 0

#1659 - Thursday 12 February 2009 20:24

My husband farted so bad last night, he woke our baby and the baby cried.

COMMENTS

By Drew_D | 0

#46 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 16:24

I just laughed so hard I farted.

Reply

fmylife1133249 | 1

#868039 - Thursday 18 February 2010 6:18

win ^

Reply

grobo555 | 0

#1302773 - Thursday 26 August 2010 11:43

hahahahahahaha

By that_girl | 0

#429 - Saturday 7 February 2009 0:15

my boyfriend does the same thing if i burp.

By effit | 0

#815 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:36

hahahah thats beautiful. Ive done that too... oh god, it's great everytime.

By Tikal_fml | 0

#943 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 1:42

That's guys for you, farting is like a competition or game for us.

By lemonkid44 | 0

#990 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 5:06

haha i don't mind when my girlfriend farts. who cares?

By Haelous | 0

#1060 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 15:45

Fail for not doing a dutch oven.

Really though, meh. It's just a fart. Who cares?

By alwaysalady | 0

#1659 - Thursday 12 February 2009 20:24

My husband farted so bad last night, he woke our baby and the baby cried.

Reply

_miss_anonymous_ | 0

#348361 - Sunday 28 June 2009 7:14

my goodness that's hilarious, alwaysalady! nice name by the way...

By lalalala_fml | 0

#2819 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 1:25

hahahahhaah i just laughed so hard at 25

By BalsaTouching | 0

#3438 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:28

25 is MASSIVE win ... and OP, farting is not a big deal. At least, it's not to anybody worth sleeping with.

By necomni | 0

#3846 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:47

That's actually very cute.