Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater... - FML

By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By anti-peecleaner - 22/11/2010 22:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

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By workinggirl - 7/3/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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By bleredoshia - 8/4/2010 04:27 - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

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By Ugggggggggg - 6/11/2012 05:11 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

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By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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By Devin - 2/8/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 23:25 - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

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By Brandee - 5/3/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

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By Miguel - 20/8/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

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By busted - 2/8/2012 06:53 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got caught shoplifting a toothbrush. I'm flat broke and my roommate used my old one to scrub out her cat's puke stains off the carpet. FML

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By queenxalee - 11/11/2013 23:58 - United States - Orange

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

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By JohnBlack - 12/6/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By kappu - 7/5/2018 01:30

Today, I got home to find my house trashed, my TV, PlayStation, and laptop smashed, all my clothes burning in the backyard, and all my food gone. Turns out my girlfriend did this after going through my phone and finding a contact named "Kristi". Kristi is my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2015 22:50 - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By gonnafail - 16/11/2013 20:18 - United States - York

Today, my debate partner repeatedly said "You mad, bro?" to the opposing team in our college debate class. That debate was worth a considerable portion of our grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 06:49 - United Kingdom - Middlewich

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2012 01:37 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By *sneeze* - 29/11/2018 12:00

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2011 13:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 5/3/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

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By chels - 17/7/2018 19:00

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

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By jasonvanr - 10/5/2016 08:19 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

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By Failure - 22/12/2016 03:32

Today, despite having glowing recommendations, stellar grades, and an impressive resumé, I was rejected by all 15 colleges that I applied to. No explanation or reasons have been given, and it's too late to apply to any more. FML

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By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/6/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

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By glitterzebra - 9/10/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

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By doneanddone - 28/2/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By Salvation711 - 15/4/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By pridekills - 19/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Mulberry

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2015 17:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

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By bloodyLIP - 14/5/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 17:55 - Canada

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

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By Sprtsgeek13 - 13/9/2012 12:37 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

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By - 6/11/2019 18:00

Touched for the very first time

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

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By Aprilfools - 12/4/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

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By thanks babe - 6/10/2014 23:47 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

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By go snope yourself - 26/1/2013 21:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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Top comments

By D2theLux | 0

#79287 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:29

So "Eff your life" because you didn't recognize the guy? Or did you just get busted unloading a pile of BS to him?

By BigLord | 0

#79291 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:32

Oops! Lol serves you right... He was busted trying to make it look like he had contacts... when he was talking to the contact himself. Haha

Comments

By quesoesbueno59 | 0

#79277 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:21

I don't get it.

And FIRST!

Reply

kdmj26 | 0

#3480958 - Monday 24 October 2011 5:08

I don't get it?

By mentallymessedup | 0

#79279 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

megamandude455 | 10

#981870 - Monday 19 April 2010 20:04

I know right? I don't get it either.

Reply

TheBlakester419 | 0

#986850 - Saturday 1 May 2010 4:03

WOOOOO!!!!!!! TEXAS IS THE BEST STATE!!!!!!! HOOK 'EM!!!!

Reply

BillyMadisonFTW | 5

#3545635 - Saturday 5 November 2011 16:04

He lied about knowing someone saying he knew somebody important hoping it would better his chances of getting in. The person he lied about knowing was the person he was speaking to. Made
Him look like a total ass.

By D2theLux | 0

#79287 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:29

So "Eff your life" because you didn't recognize the guy? Or did you just get busted unloading a pile of BS to him?

Reply

afallingstar | 22

#980521 - Friday 16 April 2010 20:39

I'm gonna go with OP got caught in a lie...YDI

Reply

Luceamore | 0

#2514445 - Sunday 15 May 2011 17:27

busted

By BigLord | 0

#79291 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:32

Oops! Lol serves you right... He was busted trying to make it look like he had contacts... when he was talking to the contact himself. Haha

By youreawhore | 0

#79296 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:37

You fail at namedropping, hahahaha.

By Jimboom | 11

#79299 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:43

Lol. Suck it name-dropper!

I hate people who try to sound impressive by automatically saying "Oh yea, I know them" or "I know such and such" when they so obviously don't.

By jaayyxnell | 0

#79301 - Friday 3 April 2009 12:46

NBD, just be like oh there must be two Harry Parkers. (;
Its a commen name so you shoudn't make too big of a deal of it.
Plus, if they really did ' love ' your audition, thats gonna
be more important when choosing a role than your
pathetic attemptive at name dropping. (:

Reply

dmj96 | 0

#970848 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 3:52

he said "who runs the theatre department"

By XxGivesMEhellxX | 0

#79313 - Friday 3 April 2009 13:06

name drop FAIL

By Koroush47 | 0

#79320 - Friday 3 April 2009 13:11

why would you even say that?

you fail. Keep your mouth shut next time.

By glockjaw | 0

#79328 - Friday 3 April 2009 13:25

Why does everyone have to say "lol FAIL" what are you 12?

This guy deserves it for trying to be cocky about it. Dumbass