Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to... - FML

By Allen - 5/1/2010 06:40 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

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No justice

Alternative medicine is bull

Buzzing the tower

By mystery - 7/12/2013 21:55 - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

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By DallasGal - 14/2/2012 16:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

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By Shelly P. - 29/1/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

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By Angelthecat - 6/3/2020 00:01

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 21:02 - United States

Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML

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By Sodapop40 - 21/6/2020 05:05

"Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield starts playing…

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

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By oxbbabexo - 14/4/2009 13:45 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

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By Magicgwen - 26/4/2012 20:45 - France - Paris

Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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By Stevejobs - 26/11/2018 17:30

Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 17:07 - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 02:08 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By thewrittenrebel - 28/10/2014 07:40 - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

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By Someone - 16/4/2014 00:20 - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

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By HungryGirl - 24/10/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

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By Amara1717 - 19/8/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

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By Nebraskawreck - 22/11/2018 13:30

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

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By virginkiller - 3/3/2012 13:23 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 19:28 - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

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By Radgirl - 28/4/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Rhea - 28/10/2009 11:00 - Australia

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

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By Chris - 1/1/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By insanitycalling - 26/10/2011 06:36 - Canada

Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML

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By thyella87 - 21/8/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

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By thegrandchawhee - 29/8/2015 17:13 - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By brandiboobarry - 29/11/2010 06:01

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, while working at a restaurant, I watched someone throw their car door open and hit the side of my brand new car for the third time this week. I told the woman to be more careful. She told my manager that I was being racist. As I was being yelled at, I watched her hit my car again, smiling. FML

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By JSF1234 - 11/5/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By duuuuude - 17/4/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By sad - 30/3/2012 22:21 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By rejectedprobably - 18/7/2016 23:06 - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 16:00

They Do.

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

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By bad_luck - 31/12/2011 15:51 - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

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By Stuckwiththebill - 28/1/2018 01:30

The show must go on!

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

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By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

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By FMJoblessL - 4/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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By missgayle319 - 15/3/2012 07:53 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By GGimabeast - 29/7/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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Top comments

By IambecomeRAWR | 0

#756414 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:47

Wait, you didn't check your pocket? :s

By Mastyge | 0

#756415 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:48

So you never check your pockets when you can't find something?
YDI

COMMENTS

By MissSmiley613 | 0

#756410 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:44

Ouch, that sucks. Maybe try calling it before going home next time:)

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#972415 - Thursday 1 April 2010 4:43

call it with what?

Reply

phreshboi | 1

#972823 - Friday 2 April 2010 1:31

well I guess that's a reason for not having cells so small and light

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#978538 - Monday 12 April 2010 5:09

i wish i had a vibrating pocket

By IambecomeRAWR | 0

#756414 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:47

Wait, you didn't check your pocket? :s

Reply

yDane | 0

#1050795 - Thursday 1 July 2010 4:29

Apparently not. WALK. OF. SHAME.

By Mastyge | 0

#756415 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:48

So you never check your pockets when you can't find something?
YDI

Reply

Reyo | 2

#758027 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 8:09

This.^^

It's when something ISN'T in my pockets that I start freaking out, and not a moment sooner.

By BaGu_fml | 0

#756416 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:48

That was just stupid. I hope this is fake.

By WougieBougie | 0

#756420 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:49

fifth.(:

By Spac3Ghost | 0

#756423 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:50

you're stupid =) just like your reflection allen =) thanks for being late =)

By coolsteve | 0

#756447 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:11

i call bs on this, but then so many fmls sound completely fake

Reply

Horde | 8

#756460 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:27

Who cares if it's fake? Only the amusement value matters :]

Reply

bom_bom | 0

#759394 - Thursday 7 January 2010 3:30

Horde, I second that

By Jimboom | 11

#756470 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:38

Dumbass. You deserve it. Next time stop getting yourself into a state (because otherwise you wouldn't have missed it in your pocket) and calm down, take a deep breath and check your pockets and all the obvious places it would be.

By jamjenni2774 | 0

#756484 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:45

LIE, LIE, LIEU R FULL OF 

By cookies_for_you | 0

#756491 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:54

you're an idiot. who doesn't check their pockets when they've lost something?

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#756516 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 13:29

It's always in the last place you think to look mwahaha. However that doesn't erase the fact that the OP is a dumbass.