Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to... - FML

By Allen - 5/1/2010 06:40 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Big baby man

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

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By Brookie Bear - 4/4/2017 20:00

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 14:58 - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By far23 - 15/7/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By poolfail - 6/8/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

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By hottygirl905 - 24/4/2012 11:50 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By Noah - 2/11/2016 14:24

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 20:14 - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

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By cavgirl - 12/4/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him he turns and says "not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 20:38 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Otherguy - 18/11/2008 07:36 - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 10:00 - United States - Medina

Today, the toilet in the IT department basement broke and flooded the room with a foot of water. In the process, it destroyed a $7000 server and an equally expensive power supply. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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By stuck - 19/9/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By soon to be unemployed - 28/1/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

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By taydean - 26/5/2011 21:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 11:26 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

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By klutz - 10/8/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

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By Saduglydad - 12/12/2012 16:05 - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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By running scared - 8/4/2016 09:40 - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By Jobless - 7/9/2010 23:27 - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said "Ok, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML

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By cl512 - 18/9/2009 13:33 - United States

Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2015 04:20 - United States - Tempe

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2016 09:20

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, 'But aren't we just friends?' We then sat and watched TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

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By RENThead - 13/9/2015 19:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down a path in the woods behind my house when I saw a squirrel. It ran away, but little did I know it wasn't running from me, it was running from the dog that had forced Animal Control to sweep the area. I ended up with stitches in my leg. FML

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By SpooningLeadstoForking - 29/6/2017 00:00

Fork that

Today, during my second day on the job, I ate pasta with a pen in the backroom. My old job provided plasticware, and it never occurred to me to pack a fork. FML

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By rositaleigh - 1/7/2019 00:06

Dad jokes FTW!

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Tommy - 6/3/2012 18:55 - United States

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

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By BulldogHoops - 12/11/2012 05:12 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

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By Jenna Berreth - 7/10/2019 16:00

Ask first, snoop later

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

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By Marleck - 22/2/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 13:04 - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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By whatsername92 - 1/2/2013 03:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me the most beautiful diamond ring I have ever seen. As I excitedly put it on my finger, he told me it wasn't an engagement ring, but I should wear it like one to keep other men away and seem "unapproachable". FML

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Top comments

By IambecomeRAWR | 0

#756414 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:47

Wait, you didn't check your pocket? :s

By Mastyge | 0

#756415 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:48

So you never check your pockets when you can't find something?
YDI

Comments

By MissSmiley613 | 0

#756410 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:44

Ouch, that sucks. Maybe try calling it before going home next time:)

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#972415 - Thursday 1 April 2010 4:43

call it with what?

Reply

phreshboi | 1

#972823 - Friday 2 April 2010 1:31

well I guess that's a reason for not having cells so small and light

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#978538 - Monday 12 April 2010 5:09

i wish i had a vibrating pocket

By IambecomeRAWR | 0

#756414 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:47

Wait, you didn't check your pocket? :s

Reply

yDane | 0

#1050795 - Thursday 1 July 2010 4:29

Apparently not. WALK. OF. SHAME.

By Mastyge | 0

#756415 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:48

So you never check your pockets when you can't find something?
YDI

Reply

Reyo | 2

#758027 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 8:09

This.^^

It's when something ISN'T in my pockets that I start freaking out, and not a moment sooner.

By BaGu_fml | 0

#756416 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:48

That was just stupid. I hope this is fake.

By WougieBougie | 0

#756420 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:49

fifth.(:

By Spac3Ghost | 0

#756423 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 11:50

you're stupid =) just like your reflection allen =) thanks for being late =)

By coolsteve | 0

#756447 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:11

i call bs on this, but then so many fmls sound completely fake

Reply

Horde | 8

#756460 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:27

Who cares if it's fake? Only the amusement value matters :]

Reply

bom_bom | 0

#759394 - Thursday 7 January 2010 3:30

Horde, I second that

By Jimboom | 11

#756470 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:38

Dumbass. You deserve it. Next time stop getting yourself into a state (because otherwise you wouldn't have missed it in your pocket) and calm down, take a deep breath and check your pockets and all the obvious places it would be.

By jamjenni2774 | 0

#756484 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:45

LIE, LIE, LIEU R FULL OF 

By cookies_for_you | 0

#756491 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 12:54

you're an idiot. who doesn't check their pockets when they've lost something?

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#756516 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 13:29

It's always in the last place you think to look mwahaha. However that doesn't erase the fact that the OP is a dumbass.