Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local... - FML

By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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All for nothing

Breaking Badly

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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By WeddingWoes - 3/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Columbia

Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2016 14:31 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 18:56

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

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By Umwhat - 19/6/2019 02:01

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

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By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2011 08:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

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By Tyler - 6/5/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I work at McDonald's. The entire crew, myself included, got visibly excited that we had new trash cans and dust pans. FML

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By DogBeater - 21/6/2016 01:21 - United States

Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 21:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By TiredMommy - 20/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

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By Jebus - 23/1/2009 13:31 - Canada

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 07:23 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 05:01

Spoiled for choice

Today, my bedroom in my gran's house gets the most sun in the evenings. There is no AC, not even a fan, and the only place cool enough to sleep is the basement. Which probably hasn’t been cleaned since the '80s, and I have to share it with the biggest spider ever and a beehive in the roller shutter casing. FML

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By randomguy - 9/7/2012 15:09 - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

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By wow - 19/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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By somerandomchick - 31/3/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By Snickers - 12/5/2012 04:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

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By docwinters - 27/5/2013 12:39 - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

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By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By why - 12/10/2015 02:07 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

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By phones - 16/1/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

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By choldcreations - 7/3/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

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By technodont - 11/5/2015 14:37 - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

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By doodler - 27/2/2014 11:59 - United States - Hurst

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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By Dez - 26/11/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Apparently not.

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

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By Badam - 30/3/2013 01:29 - France - Geaune

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

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By weswithaute - 13/11/2011 06:53 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

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By ocroyalty - 1/2/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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By Arcanin3Boss - 23/6/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By sadcat - 6/2/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

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By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By Username - 12/11/2011 02:04 - United States

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

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By TraumatizedMother - 2/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

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By Mel - 23/5/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I thought I'd finally make a step towards getting over my ex-fiancé by flirting with a cute waiter. I left him a note on the bill. He comes back, says "which one of you is [name]?" and leans down close to me to say, "Thanks for your note, but your card was declined." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 21:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

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By synyster505 - 19/12/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

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Top comments

By StopDropNRoll | 11

#3021571 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 11:59

What in the world is a tea-cosy?

By SadinSherman | 16

#3021984 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:32

RIP Dobby

COMMENTS

By chrismacin | 0

#3021555 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 11:56

how is this fyl

By StopDropNRoll | 11

#3021571 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 11:59

What in the world is a tea-cosy?

Reply

iknowimawesome | 13

#3021590 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:02

It's this cloth thing you put around a mug when it's hot. At least I think that's what it is...

Reply

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3021733 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:21

It's something you put on a teapot when it's too hot to touch.

Reply

DoubleRainbows | 0

#3021751 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:27

i'm curious how your review is gonna sound like.

Reply

pertained | 12

#3021887 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:06

Its pretty British. This little hat like thing you put on teapots but then, I think most Americans don't actually have teapots.

Reply

Complaining | 13

#3021912 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:13

I only know what a tea cozy (or is it cosy…?) is thanks to Dobby. XD

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#3021984 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:32

RIP Dobby

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3022207 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 14:35

I would have poured my drink on him, slapped his face with my chicken tenders or just simply moved to another seat.

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3022337 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 15:18

Well.. OP did you do it

Reply

Carebear423 | 0

#3022394 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 15:48

Was anyone else amused when they saw that #4 was from the FML team? Or is it just me?

Reply

PopRocks14 | 0

#3022406 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 15:54

Well, YDI for not doing it!! *waits for idiots to think im serious*

Reply

joooeee | 3

#3022421 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

34, just you. Everyone else already knew that

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#3022507 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:28

He had the tea-cosy on his head because he was too hot to touch.

Reply

VeroAnne | 11

#3023027 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:12

And you just sat there and took it? I would have done something about it.

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#3023445 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:22

Darn, someone already mentioned Dobby. -_-

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#3023740 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 20:00

Maybe that guy works for Nike

Reply

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3024155 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 21:41

Two fml team post on my status. I was just wondering what a tea cosy was. Now I know.

Reply

AmethystRain | 20

#3024993 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:36

Movie theaters sell chicken tenders? Damn, ours only have overpriced popcorn and nachos. :(

Reply

ryanst | 7

#3028552 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:50

Hmm putting "FML team" on your profile ruins the surprise for trolls when they say "Oh yeah, Sirin? What can you do about it, it's not like you're a moderator or anything."

Although it does let me know who I shouldn't piss off..

Reply

Skroal_stomper | 5

#3050784 - Saturday 6 August 2011 10:58

23 : (

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7646370 - Monday 11 June 2018 0:02

A tea cosy goes on a tea pot to keep the tea warm. It looks kinda like a hat

By Justforlolz | 14

#3021582 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:00

You probably should have did it...

Reply

hiyourcute | 0

#3023903 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 20:38

You probably should have did your English homework...

Reply

AaronTkr | 0

#3028453 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:24

maybe the guy sitting behind OP was taking it in the ass.

Reply

Jvr91 | 8

#3028527 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:44

Just do it....Nike

By iheartbewbies | 0

#3021587 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:02

Well if he kept on asking you to do it, why the fuck wouldn't you!

By gunmania0 | 12

#3021603 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:04

You should've done it.

By Fx13mz | 7

#3021611 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:06

He wants you to review that movie HARD.

By regsworld11 | 2

#3021648 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:10

I wonder what he wanted you to do?!

By iknowimawesome | 13

#3021653 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:10

Did you finally end up doing it?

By CrAzYyEt | 8

#3021677 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:12

So.... Do it.

By NomadicFlo | 4

#3021737 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:24

This man's face should be printed alongside the 'Just do it' slogan on Nike shirts