Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local... - FML

By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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Boozehound

The opposite of a good idea

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By tara22 - 27/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By Username - 17/5/2011 04:05

Today, I updated my facebook status as "lost all contacts, need numbers". My mom commented saying "her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends". Her comment got 32 likes. FML

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By Sting - 26/4/2016 20:49 - United States - Manassas

Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew upwards and got hit by the rotating fan. It then immediately decided to take it's revenge by stinging me. FML

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By anonymous - 1/10/2013 05:36 - United States - Huntington

Today, I sent my girlfriend a text this morning saying I love you. I rarely do this and instead of receiving the same message back, I got a message from my girlfriend accusing me of meaning to send it to someone else and dumped me. FML

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By smarie09 - 6/3/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By mafiaguy800 - 27/8/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

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By nofinal - 10/12/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

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By Username - 16/6/2011 13:20 - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

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By feelgood - 29/7/2013 05:08 - United States

Today, I woke up on the last day of my vacation at the beach to find that my dog had chewed a hole in the wall of my rented house, 2 hours before the owner arrived to check for any damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 17:45

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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By Heather - 31/5/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

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By nickcedola40 - 4/4/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By fazzems - 7/8/2009 03:10 - Canada

Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML

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By so so old now - 16/9/2014 23:23 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By hilariousnow - 22/12/2009 08:46 - Vietnam

Today, with my girlfriend I planned a trip to Bali on this Thursday and we will celebrate Christmas together. Hotel booking done, flight tickets bought, swimsuits packed. I just forgot one thing: tell my boss I'll be on leave till next week. He gave me a new project. The deadline is next monday. FML

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By no booze, no boyfriend - 4/6/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 15:05 - United States - Fishers

Today, while picking up a birthday cake, I was screamed at by an upset woman for getting special attention from the bakers, and that I was nothing more than an attention-hogging slut. The bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML

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By oh well - 14/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

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By faulty number - 28/1/2013 23:25 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

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By Username - 15/7/2010 19:53 - France

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

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By mottephobe - 6/4/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML

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By campus pussy - 22/3/2014 21:08 - United States - Ross

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

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By aranya - 14/6/2012 22:51 - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

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By gimmeabreak0_o - 18/6/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and thought it would be cool to rip off my shirt while we were making out. It wasn't. Her bed was under a bookshelf and my shirt didn't even come off. I busted my head while she busted up laughing. FML

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By SlapAndTickle - 11/10/2013 03:04 - United States

Today, my mother kept nagging at me because my 9-month-old daughter only calms down when I play her metal. She demands I use gospel, otherwise she will turn into a "devil-worshipping lunatic like her mother". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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By Kylee Day - 27/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

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By the_lonely_life - 27/6/2013 01:02 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

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By E.S. - 23/10/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I had lunch with some important potential clients at a fancy restaurant. I really wanted to make a good impression. When the piano music stopped, I started clapping while looking around for the pianist. Apparently, it was a CD. FML

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By fuzzy - 23/9/2009 10:43 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend is coming over. We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. FML

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By Hello - 20/6/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

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By A. Person - 7/4/2010 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

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By nerdsgetmehot - 7/4/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

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By littl3storm - 1/6/2020 17:00

Sick burn

Today, while sitting an at home university exam, I started getting period cramps. I decided to use a heat patch to help. I left it on for the allotted time, but when I took it off, it peeled my skin off and burnt the surrounding skin. I'm now burnt AND still experiencing cramps. FML

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By random person - 13/11/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

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By Baby eater - 20/5/2014 00:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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Top comments

By StopDropNRoll | 11

#3021571 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 11:59

What in the world is a tea-cosy?

By SadinSherman | 16

#3021984 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:32

RIP Dobby

Comments

By chrismacin | 0

#3021555 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 11:56

how is this fyl

By StopDropNRoll | 11

#3021571 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 11:59

What in the world is a tea-cosy?

Reply

iknowimawesome | 13

#3021590 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:02

It's this cloth thing you put around a mug when it's hot. At least I think that's what it is...

Reply

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3021733 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:21

It's something you put on a teapot when it's too hot to touch.

Reply

DoubleRainbows | 0

#3021751 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:27

i'm curious how your review is gonna sound like.

Reply

pertained | 12

#3021887 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:06

Its pretty British. This little hat like thing you put on teapots but then, I think most Americans don't actually have teapots.

Reply

Complaining | 13

#3021912 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:13

I only know what a tea cozy (or is it cosy…?) is thanks to Dobby. XD

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#3021984 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:32

RIP Dobby

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3022207 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 14:35

I would have poured my drink on him, slapped his face with my chicken tenders or just simply moved to another seat.

Reply

tatababe | 0

#3022337 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 15:18

Well.. OP did you do it

Reply

Carebear423 | 0

#3022394 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 15:48

Was anyone else amused when they saw that #4 was from the FML team? Or is it just me?

Reply

PopRocks14 | 0

#3022406 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 15:54

Well, YDI for not doing it!! *waits for idiots to think im serious*

Reply

joooeee | 3

#3022421 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

34, just you. Everyone else already knew that

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#3022507 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:28

He had the tea-cosy on his head because he was too hot to touch.

Reply

VeroAnne | 11

#3023027 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:12

And you just sat there and took it? I would have done something about it.

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#3023445 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:22

Darn, someone already mentioned Dobby. -_-

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#3023740 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 20:00

Maybe that guy works for Nike

Reply

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3024155 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 21:41

Two fml team post on my status. I was just wondering what a tea cosy was. Now I know.

Reply

AmethystRain | 20

#3024993 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:36

Movie theaters sell chicken tenders? Damn, ours only have overpriced popcorn and nachos. :(

Reply

ryanst | 7

#3028552 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:50

Hmm putting "FML team" on your profile ruins the surprise for trolls when they say "Oh yeah, Sirin? What can you do about it, it's not like you're a moderator or anything."

Although it does let me know who I shouldn't piss off..

Reply

Skroal_stomper | 5

#3050784 - Saturday 6 August 2011 10:58

23 : (

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7646370 - Monday 11 June 2018 0:02

A tea cosy goes on a tea pot to keep the tea warm. It looks kinda like a hat

By Justforlolz | 13

#3021582 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:00

You probably should have did it...

Reply

hiyourcute | 0

#3023903 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 20:38

You probably should have did your English homework...

Reply

AaronTkr | 0

#3028453 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:24

maybe the guy sitting behind OP was taking it in the ass.

Reply

Jvr91 | 8

#3028527 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:44

Just do it....Nike

By iheartbewbies | 0

#3021587 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:02

Well if he kept on asking you to do it, why the fuck wouldn't you!

By gunmania0 | 12

#3021603 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:04

You should've done it.

By Fx13mz | 7

#3021611 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:06

He wants you to review that movie HARD.

By regsworld11 | 2

#3021648 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:10

I wonder what he wanted you to do?!

By iknowimawesome | 13

#3021653 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:10

Did you finally end up doing it?

By CrAzYyEt | 8

#3021677 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:12

So.... Do it.

By NomadicFlo | 4

#3021737 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 12:24

This man's face should be printed alongside the 'Just do it' slogan on Nike shirts