Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying,... - FML

By Telinaa - 8/11/2010 02:25 - Australia

Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying, when an elderly man bumped into me. The shirt fell out of my hand, and slid just out the door. I went to the counter to explain what happened. Everyone accused me of trying to steal it anyway. FML

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Season finale

Billy no-mates

Social distancing gone wrong

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 23:46 - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

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By ooops - 4/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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By vbscb - 7/10/2009 10:42 - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happening. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 20:00

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

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By anonymous - 9/10/2012 05:53 - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

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By sarah6786 - 22/1/2013 02:27 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my husband asked me to show him my boob. I began to pull the side of my shirt down when he said, "No, not that one, the big one." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

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By Batman - 9/9/2018 23:30

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2012 03:49 - United States - Moreland

Today, my future mother-in-law told me she thought I was severely allergic to cigarette smoke. That hasn't stopped her from chain-smoking around me for the last 3 years. FML

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By hayleediaz - 16/7/2015 17:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

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By language barriers - 12/2/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML

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By kenzieeeee - 30/12/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

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By gassy - 29/12/2012 09:32 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML

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By highlydisgusted - 16/10/2013 03:10 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By SADlilAZN - 17/2/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

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By mario - 2/3/2019 19:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

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By deadman - 9/7/2012 18:25 - United Kingdom - Market Harborough

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - 6/2/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By Spooderman - 4/2/2016 02:04 - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - 13/2/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By poor teacher - 23/9/2013 17:54 - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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By aeghw1s - 9/6/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

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By pleaseno - 24/7/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 11:42 - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

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By GuitarNerd - 23/1/2017 22:41 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

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By Bedrest Blues - 24/12/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that we can’t be together because I’m not the person he fell in love with since I don’t do anything all day. I’m 6 months pregnant and on bed rest. FML

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By Josie - 21/2/2011 07:46 - Australia

Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - 26/9/2012 06:57 - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 05:53 - United States

Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

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By justgreat - 28/9/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 19/3/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

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By bronzemedal97 - 15/6/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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By musicyman55 - 19/12/2009 07:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 23:14 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

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By tryon777 - 29/7/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML

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By ugh - 3/9/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

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By DF - 26/6/2014 14:58 - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By buggedout - 25/11/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#1664931 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:46

How close were you to the door with that shirt!

By FYLDeep | 25

#1665181 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:45

A real ninja could have stolen the shirt no problem. Of course real ninjas aren't insecure enough to feel the need to declare that they are ninjas via shirt.

That old man was probably a ninja.

COMMENTS

By kingbig | 0

#1664854 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:37

thief !

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1665006 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:00

and i would of got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids

Reply

pwincessa23 | 1

#1665024 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:03

Well, fyl...

Reply

robosonic | 2

#1665077 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:14

that was your perfect opportunity to take it and run. the same outcome wouldve happened anyway

Reply

ey3seecold | 0

#1665214 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:57

I can just imagine it in matrix style.

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1665336 - Monday 8 November 2010 10:51

This is disturbing on so many levels.

Reply

77taylah33 | 0

#1665373 - Monday 8 November 2010 10:57

32 how?

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1665414 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:11

Well, the old man could have had a heart attack! D:

Reply

badboy310 | 0

#1665518 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:54

^^ looooooooool that made me laugh so hard

By GodinezXC | 0

#1664859 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:38

you should have gotten it and ran away

Reply

thakiller | 0

#1665813 - Monday 8 November 2010 12:53

In soviet Russia, you don't steal it, it steals you

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1666867 - Monday 8 November 2010 15:11

53 FAIL

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1666870 - Monday 8 November 2010 15:11

53 FAIL

Reply

Neonnight | 0

#3403168 - Saturday 8 October 2011 4:25

Lol

By spade1997 | 0

#1664863 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:38

haha fail

Reply

xXUND3ADcityXx | 0

#4315249 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 4:45

What store has clothes so close to the door that you can drop a shirt outside

By elloelen | 0

#1664865 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:38

aww not cool aha

By sarinasusu | 2

#1664895 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:41

That sucks, the old man should of fessed up. Sorry : /

Reply

desigirl2010 | 0

#1665161 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:38

yeah he saw it happen and don't they have security cameras?

Reply

77taylah33 | 0

#1665375 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:00

in Australia not ALL shops have cameras a lot do though

Reply

XelaKJK | 0

#1666890 - Monday 8 November 2010 15:17

5, ur pretty hot :)

By Nemesis2747 | 4

#1664904 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:43

i know u were planning on stealing and just wanted an excuse

Reply

skateandsmoke420 | 0

#1665179 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:44

I totally agree!

Reply

77taylah33 | 0

#1665386 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:02

If she/he was going to steal they wouldn't have gone up to the counter

Reply

beccusmaximus | 0

#1665754 - Monday 8 November 2010 12:41

^Exactly. A thief will avoid any and all contact with employees if they're trying to steal.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#1666133 - Monday 8 November 2010 14:12

Not always true 51. I'm a delivery driver and I've seen people ask for help finding things then try to bolt with them. Not all thieves are all that bright.

By Sadochan | 0

#1664908 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:44

Maybe you should've smacked him up?

By marinus_fml | 19

#1664931 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:46

How close were you to the door with that shirt!

Reply

TheJudged | 3

#1665030 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:04

Yea, agreed

Reply

sarah48_fml | 0

#1665310 - Monday 8 November 2010 10:46

and even if she was right at the door, how did the shirt "slide?"

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1665381 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:00

I know right?

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1665419 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:13

Well the shirt's 'arms' helped the shirt "slide".

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1665451 - Monday 8 November 2010 11:28

42, Quite plausible! :)

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1666192 - Monday 8 November 2010 14:29

Exactly what I was wondering, marinus. Unless it was a tiny shop with the register (or the line for the register) right by the door, it seems odd that OP would be halfway out the door with the shirt.

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1664969 - Monday 8 November 2010 8:54

well, did you still get the shirt!?

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#1665297 - Monday 8 November 2010 10:42

of course not cuz he wouldve had to pay, he said "planned on" buying not bought

By EightInchNails | 9

#1665011 - Monday 8 November 2010 9:01

Infirm the old man.