Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab...

By hurts - 4/5/2009 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

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Miscellaneous

Everyone's an expert

Caught red-handed

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By ouch - 13/6/2012 16:00 - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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By suspended - 31/7/2016 15:39 - United States - Grand Blanc

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 19:31 - United States

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

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By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

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By nightxxtime - 10/1/2017 14:39

Today, a guy I'm dating was supposed to come over. He would have if I haven't fell asleep while he was waiting for me to open the door. FML

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By Cody - 7/3/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2010 11:04 - Canada

Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML

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By grossed the f out - 13/12/2010 05:01

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By Samantha - 29/3/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 06:31 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, when I locked my newly repaired bike up, I carefully took the new rear light off it so that nobody could steal said light. Somebody stole my bike. At least I have a red light to play with. FML

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By JohhnyKeroscene - 1/2/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By Brittanyy_leigh - 17/12/2009 07:57 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

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By peppergirl - 30/12/2020 20:00

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By scarred - 22/10/2009 12:30 - France

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

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By Preggie - 7/7/2011 04:04 - Singapore

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured to the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is heavily pregnant. I am just fat. FML

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By LifeSucks - 8/11/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By NonBelieber - 18/9/2013 04:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

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By now what - 23/2/2015 23:52 - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

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By anonymous - 6/9/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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By fatguyinalittlecoat - 8/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 04:05

Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

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By nice one - 30/8/2012 15:24

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By Teresa - 28/5/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2011 13:12 - United States

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2012 01:37 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, everyone in my department got a raise except for me. Last week, I had been the one who asked for a raise for me and my fellow department members. FML

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By pchis4ever - 20/11/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

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By elovan - 25/7/2015 08:33 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

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By uugnfg - 27/7/2010 04:38 - United States

Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML

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By Great - 9/4/2014 01:42 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 19:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

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By anonymous - 26/4/2015 13:35 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

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By Man Shamed - 29/6/2019 10:00 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2018 17:30

Today, my boiler packed up on me just as the weather has turned cold, with no money to have it fixed. Hello to a week of freezing cold showers. FML

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By norpedo - 17/5/2015 19:32 - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

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By dan - 25/1/2010 00:50 - Canada

Today, to my surprise my girlfriend said, "I've never felt this way before." We have been dating for six months, and I knew that I loved her, so I replied, "Me neither, I love you." There was a long awkward pause. Turns out, she was talking about her abnormally painful period cramps. FML

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Top comments

By blaucha | 0

#168720 - Monday 4 May 2009 22:59

what an asshole.

By Komatose | 0

#168756 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:04

You should've stabbed him/her and then said "You're right, these dishes do need cleaning."

Comments

By blaucha | 0

#168720 - Monday 4 May 2009 22:59

what an asshole.

hubbabubbba | 0

#1001784 - Saturday 22 May 2010 4:37

bitch

sircletus | 0

#1112176 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:29

she wanted to clean up the blood you got on her dishes haha. I'm glad I'm rich and don't have to clean dishes I never have never will.

OwenMcAwesome | 0

#1642801 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:09

That's why you don't try to do a womans job.

Shyman4ever | 0

#1840362 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 0:02

Lucky it wasn't your wrist

greekgal44 | 14

#2780502 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 19:21

agreed.

By Antonio718 | 0

#168723 - Monday 4 May 2009 22:59

You should of told her to go to hell

bpetal | 0

#2624218 - Sunday 5 June 2011 15:32

Who said it was a her?

By Adair_fml | 0

#168724 - Monday 4 May 2009 22:59

ouch!

bianchieiei | 13

#4584604 - Tuesday 19 June 2012 0:08

I thought tong was the meaning of thong...jus realised how dumb i was:/

By 666midnight | 0

#168725 - Monday 4 May 2009 22:59

can't blame them, do you know how hard it is to get blood off plates after it dries?! lmao sucks to be you tho =P

msclvr1996 | 0

#4482517 - Saturday 26 May 2012 4:35

How do you know how hard it is to get blood off a plate? Psycho.

By Zwink | 0

#168732 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:00

dude, watch out and some people need to be nmore careful with how they place things in the drainer

By aquariusbeauty | 0

#168740 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:02

# 3 - Agreed

By Hiljaisen_susi | 0

#168742 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:02

I think you need some new friends...

By andelizastrin | 0

#168754 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:04

Nice friend. What an asshole.
Sorry about your arm. I can only imagine how much that hurts :

By Shinyminey | 0

#168755 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:04

First of all, look before you want to go impale yourselves on knives. And also I agree with #4 :D

By Komatose | 0

#168756 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:04

You should've stabbed him/her and then said "You're right, these dishes do need cleaning."