Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting...

By snotface - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76304

You deserved it

8793

Favorite

Intimacy

OK sweaty, time for a bath

FML every way you look at it

I don't wanna

By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37630

You deserved it

2591

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 12:04 - Canada - Edmonton

That's a hard no, Patricia

Today, my aunt asked me to change my major to a program I’m not interested in so her depressed son, my cousin, could have a study buddy. I’m in my last year of university and have been accepted to a master’s program. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1000

You deserved it

Favorite

By blower - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44734

You deserved it

9267

Favorite

By megangubler - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55596

You deserved it

5253

Favorite

By Angela - United States

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38151

You deserved it

3502

Favorite

By beat10 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64483

You deserved it

4160

Favorite

By Muina - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14095

You deserved it

23989

Favorite

By Rover

Today, unfortunately, my new husband's idea of foreplay is to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to roll over. I saved myself for marriage for this? FML

I agree, your life sucks

13512

You deserved it

3289

Favorite

By bgierczak2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27710

You deserved it

1689

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Seaside

No, it's not a cult, not at all

Today, I found out that not only does my sister consider Fox News "reliable" but her husband has been buying Trump merchandise. They owe me $1,900 but they're literally giving a millionaire money instead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1087

You deserved it

388

Favorite

By whitneyy - Australia

Today, I went to my grandfathers' funeral. As I stood there, bawling my eyes out, my aunt came over and put her arm around me. She leaned her head close to mine. I assumed she was going to say something comforting, instead she asked where I'd bought my shoes from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47054

You deserved it

3259

Favorite

By Anonymous - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54898

You deserved it

3576

Favorite

By Anonymous

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

706

You deserved it

1539

Favorite

By Anonymous - Cura?ao

Fake news

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40243

You deserved it

3445

Favorite

By weave9z - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24113

You deserved it

3150

Favorite

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, whom I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10542

You deserved it

1599

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32844

You deserved it

9273

Favorite

By housedoctor - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40762

You deserved it

6889

Favorite

By FallCameEarly - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41040

You deserved it

3854

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41581

You deserved it

6058

Favorite

By Garrison - United States - Anchorage

I'm innocent!

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML

I agree, your life sucks

6520

You deserved it

402

Favorite

By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46102

You deserved it

2861

Favorite

By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35259

You deserved it

4069

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84495

You deserved it

18515

Favorite

By biggs sprhro - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21627

You deserved it

15323

Favorite

By MessyMal - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33348

You deserved it

9337

Favorite

By lobotomized - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44576

You deserved it

7717

Favorite

By copshop - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17257

You deserved it

35916

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31158

You deserved it

7061

Favorite

By bchorror

One ring to…

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1873

You deserved it

1090

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42920

You deserved it

4857

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why girls don't have armpit hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32752

You deserved it

6008

Favorite

By februarymarchapril - United States - Austin

First time

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16631

You deserved it

42740

Favorite

By WhyGod

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8645

You deserved it

1040

Favorite

Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2834

You deserved it

861

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59222

You deserved it

5713

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43680

You deserved it

3135

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29390

You deserved it

3218

Favorite

By yeastly - United States - Amery

Today, I was sitting the living room, when my mom commented on the smell of garlic in the air. After ten minutes of searching for the source, she gave up. I was too embarrassed to admit that I'd tried using garlic to cure my yeast infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11941

You deserved it

33698

Favorite

By Ep1cF4ce - United States

Today, I was sleeping like a baby on our living room couch. My older brother and his friends lit my slippers on fire. While I was wearing them. They even took a video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35991

You deserved it

3408

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TurtleGenius | 0

#138229 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:02

Probably the best feeling she got all night...

By Phillay632 | 0

#138273 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:12

Pull out and spray a bodily fluid all over her face and neck, you're even.

COMMENTS

By classicalteen | 0

#138219 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:00

NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY I'M FIRST :D
ps.
that's icky.

By no_fml | 0

#138220 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:00

that's foul

By Mr_Trumpet | 0

#138224 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:00

Second is the best! =P

And that seriously made me lol.

By Osakhomen | 0

#138225 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:01

Haha, that funny!

Theatregeek788 | 0

#1007471 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 5:13

lmaooo!!

summerguy97 | 16

#5828946 - Thursday 16 January 2014 8:30

Mehuehuehue

By classicalteen | 0

#138228 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:02

second is sooo not best :] if there was a trophy, mine would totally be bigger :] lol

By TurtleGenius | 0

#138229 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:02

Probably the best feeling she got all night...

Elfkid21 | 19

#5601805 - Sunday 28 July 2013 10:29

Tool.

By fuckmyl1f333 | 0

#138233 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:03

thats nasty im sorry

By iPhanny | 0

#138236 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:03

I'm sorry but that made me LOL.

Wow, srsly #4?

xlovelessx | 0

#859399 - Monday 15 February 2010 21:56

woahh u look like me o.o

melkell | 0

#991594 - Thursday 13 May 2010 5:43

you all look the same

By nina_fml | 0

#138239 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:04

If you can't tell the difference between having to sneeze and being close to orgasm, YDI.

By lame16 | 0

#138244 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:05

LOL , hot.