Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about... - FML

By dfhgblsf - 5/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

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Family values

Yappy neighborhood

Hello everyone!

By James - 26/8/2011 18:29 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

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By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

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By Iwtumn - 17/3/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 06:24 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

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By gas money - 22/11/2015 04:34 - United States - Reno

Today, I found $100 on the ground. My mom is taking $40 because she was there. FML

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By happypineapple - 17/7/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By auraya1985 - 12/9/2015 21:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

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By Finding Kemo - 16/4/2016 19:12 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By Jograd - 25/9/2012 17:13 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate decided to turn off all appliances in the house to "save" electricity. This included the refrigerator. FML

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By Maggie - 17/3/2020 17:00

Nice mental image

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

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By jake - 12/8/2012 15:49 - United States - Bend

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

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By peeoncarl1111 - 29/1/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By Ashleighx94 - 5/7/2011 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

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By thankssiren - 24/5/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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By anon - 17/9/2019 22:00

Roll with it

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 08:56 - Malawi

Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate their marriage, we spent most of the service being lectured by the priest on how women are a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and are the cause of all the world's problems. FML

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By OptMouse - 14/4/2015 11:50 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By taternuts - 26/11/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - 20/10/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By smartgirl - 1/5/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

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By Rightswiper - 26/7/2017 05:00 - South Africa

Trolled by technology

Today, as soon as I put my card into an ATM, the words "Out of Order" popped up and it would not return my card. Since I was at the bank, I got a free replacement. Trying to draw money again the second machine did the same thing and a third card costs more than what I have in my account. FML

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By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2017 01:33

Today, my prom date and his family came over to take pictures. His dad happens to be my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 23:39 - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. 20 minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

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By botharebad - 13/3/2010 05:14 - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment, when I came across a lacy black thong in the laundry. When confronted, he swore it was his. I don't know what's worse, the possibility that another woman left it there, or the idea that my boyfriend owns and wears women's lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2015 12:27 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

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By random guy - 30/3/2016 06:49 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By bullllllshittttt - 6/3/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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By Ouch - 22/5/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 06:27 - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

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By A. nonymous - 14/12/2010 13:32

Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By post valentines depression - 7/4/2018 01:30

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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By Ryan - 28/8/2011 20:10 - United States

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 08:19 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, a colleague told me he was pretending to be me on a dating site, and that he has four pending dates. Last time I tried being myself, my first and only date pushed me down some stairs. FML

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Top comments

By wholeon | 0

#85169 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:30

I have my doubts about this one.

1. Many bathroom windows don't open, and even i they do, they are way too small to crawl out of.
2. Are we supposed to believe that a girl crawled out the window of your home and left buck-ass naked? Wouldn't you know something was up if she collected all her clothes off your floor first? What about her keys/purse/etc?
3. Why wouldn't she just go out the door?

This just makes no sense...

By SoBlonde_fml | 0

#85157 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:26

Wow, she actually used the window. She didn't take the front door route. That's intense.

Comments

By michelle4srs | 0

#85147 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:23

Lol, awww.
Sounds like something that'd happen in a movie.

EDIT:
First~ c:

Reply

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1070340 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 7:31

aw *gives hug*

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#1106901 - Sunday 18 July 2010 20:07

she had clothes on?

By guitardedman | 0

#85154 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:25

goddamn thats rough

Reply

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1017158 - Thursday 3 June 2010 6:48

tiny

By SoBlonde_fml | 0

#85157 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:26

Wow, she actually used the window. She didn't take the front door route. That's intense.

By totalbadass | 0

#85160 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:27

YDI for not knowing that those systems shut down during sex, so she shouldn't have to go to the bathroom mid-coitus.

By Master_Trader | 0

#85162 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:28

lol nice fml.

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jadore_me | 0

#465900 - Friday 7 August 2009 10:52

so true!

By wholeon | 0

#85169 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:30

I have my doubts about this one.

1. Many bathroom windows don't open, and even i they do, they are way too small to crawl out of.
2. Are we supposed to believe that a girl crawled out the window of your home and left buck-ass naked? Wouldn't you know something was up if she collected all her clothes off your floor first? What about her keys/purse/etc?
3. Why wouldn't she just go out the door?

This just makes no sense...

Reply

starfire555 | 0

#1249696 - Monday 16 August 2010 3:13

you're an idiot

Reply

Phatso806 | 0

#1458668 - Sunday 26 September 2010 4:40

yea pretty sure this one is fake

Reply

tiipsypiink09 | 0

#1867839 - Monday 20 December 2010 3:12

Yea actually you're right. Why would she put her clothes on to go to the bathroom?

Reply

sup3rmann | 0

#2261429 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 15:53

stfu

Reply

silver0jay | 11

#2427371 - Friday 29 April 2011 4:19

you don't know. They could gve taken their clothes off in the hallway or something. or the bathroom was away from the bedroom or something. :b so shut up. there are millions of scenarios. dumb b****

Reply

DulceVx3 | 0

#5154492 - Friday 16 November 2012 10:20

She might have only taken her pants off or lowered them , I keep my keys and id/creditcard/etc in my pants pockets . Just saying there could be many explanations & also the window in my bathroom is big enough to crawl through so it's possible .

Reply

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5625849 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 17:25

My thoughts exactly! Wouldn't you think something was up when she took all her clothes and belongings to the bathroom with her? Unless you're just that dumb.

Reply

Loliology | 10

#6158204 - Tuesday 30 December 2015 23:31

She probably took her clothes off in the bathroom beforehand, I could easily fit through my bathroom window if I tried. Also a lot of bathrooms have fans when you turn on the light so she could have been discreet about it

Reply

Driv3r001 | 8

#6325596 - Saturday 20 June 2015 5:03

I know this was probably posted years ago, but my bathroom window opens and is big enough for someone to crawl out of.

By cyberhoy | 3

#85170 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:30

You must have been pretty bad for her to bail out like that

By dammn | 0

#85175 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:30

OMG LMAO ,
THATS SO BAD .

By emadee | 0

#85177 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:31

maybe shes batman and had to yknow go fight crime and stuff
you never know

Reply

babyk41896 | 0

#1549488 - Friday 15 October 2010 3:55

hell yea I agree!

By Alteffor | 0

#85182 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:32

That's classic.