Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for... - FML

By FlyingCoffeeMonster - 8/8/2016 19:12 - United States - Oreland

Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML

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Great boyfriend

Insane parents

In my day…

By blueballed - 29/11/2014 21:08 - Germany - Kiel

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

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By as-salamu alaykum, motherfucker - 5/4/2014 22:04 - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, I was having my birthday party. My dad showed up late, blind drunk, and drove his car straight through my garage door. FML

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By Partners - 22/6/2015 19:55 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 01:00 - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 20:23

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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By needs_another_loan - 2/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

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By wtf fml - 20/3/2018 17:30 - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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By Andrew7847 - 22/4/2012 05:24 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as the abominable snowman. FML

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By GreenMonstR - 25/4/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

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By fml - 5/1/2015 03:10 - United States

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

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By sad child - 27/8/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

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By gorey - 19/8/2010 01:26 - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

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By adopted apparently - 23/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

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By stupidboys - 6/9/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

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By assassinmaster - 30/6/2018 15:00

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

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By Matt - 29/8/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

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By shaviTuT - 7/2/2013 19:44 - Malaysia - Bandar Penggaram

Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

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By isaacBENNETT - 17/3/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

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By H8TR - 26/8/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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By SupaSu - 2/4/2009 05:35 - Canada

Today, I passed the girl I like a note asking her out, signed Mark H. She picked it up, read it, turned around and asked me, "Do you know who Mark H. is?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:20 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

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By fyreangel - 10/11/2016 21:39 - United States - Warren

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

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By Jo - 21/11/2012 05:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the Apple store to try and figure out what's going on with my iPhone. After an hour of speaking to three different geniuses and waiting around, their solution was to "Google it." FML

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By Rye - 19/2/2009 03:51 - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

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By EmbarrassedWife - 10/1/2019 04:00

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

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By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

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By NAT - 3/1/2016 16:15 - United States - Gaffney

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

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By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By homeless - 14/12/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I'm being admitted to the hospital for severe exhaustion. Why am I exhausted? For spending 12 hours at the hospital while my sister gave birth. The same hospital I'm being admitted to. FML

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By izaya - 5/7/2015 16:26 - United States - Muskogee

Today, I woke up with a electric dog collar on my neck. I wouldn't have noticed it until my stepfather turned the collar to the highest intensity just to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 17:49 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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By XxOx - 4/2/2010 01:18 - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By she knows - 8/10/2013 16:30 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML

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By alone - 23/9/2011 11:04 - China

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By lusanna | 19

#6668249 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 12:35

Might as well throw another cup into the washer to get the stains nice and even

By zharks1010 | 18

#6668244 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 12:29

Looks like you need that coffee

COMMENTS

By zharks1010 | 18

#6668244 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 12:29

Looks like you need that coffee

By lusanna | 19

#6668249 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 12:35

Might as well throw another cup into the washer to get the stains nice and even

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6668291 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 14:08

Well? Did it work better than detergent?

By cuz803 | 31

#6668304 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 14:48

Your FML name states it all

By Leviathene | 34

#6668320 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 15:13

RIP Beautiful Coffee.

By species4872 | 19

#6668323 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 15:20

And then attempted to drink my clothes.

By jcash52426 | 5

#6668387 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 18:23

Also long as the clothes were already dirty then no big deal

By _EnderDoge | 22

#6668391 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 18:33

One of the funnier FML's I've seen. FYL, OP.

By gyspy_unicorn | 7

#6668403 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 19:02

At least it wasn't clean clothes

By spacehagg | 3

#6668463 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 20:12

you're an idiot

Reply

HylianWarrior | 21

#6668507 - Tuesday 9 August 2016 21:51

Everyone is before they finish their first cup of coffee