Health: Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend... - FML

By CatLady

Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML

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Understandable

Where are you?

Cute trick, asshole

By LadyGore - Canada

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

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By JadeC - United States

Today, I was fired. For "lack of attention to details", specifically spelling errors. My now ex-boss misspelled the name of his own company on my severance agreement. FML

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By Robbins - United Kingdom

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, someone took my flatscreen TV at my garage sale because some kid snuck a "free" label onto it. FML

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By LGraham - 16/6/2020 20:08

Weird kid

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

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By sdeeter - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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By Anon - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

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By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Don't know, don't care

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

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By Pita - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

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By Whatswrongwithme? - United Kingdom

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

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By hendrix1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

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By jcstpierre - United States

Today, I received a mass email from my boss saying we had a position open at the daycare I work at. I knew my boyfriend was looking for a job so I insisted he apply. Later at work, my boss takes me into her office and tells me my employment is being "terminated". My boyfriend is replacing me. FML

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By RohnAbheek - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

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By arekusa - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By RensM - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By fugly - United States - Landenberg

Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By Pickle - United States

Today, I finally got around to doing laundry. The washing machines in my condominium building take about an hour to do a load. When I returned to throw my clothes in a dryer, I realized they were never washed in the first place. I used my card and detergent to pay for another person's laundry. FML

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By Deadman - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

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By ohshat - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

My family

Today, I had to listen for over 10 minutes as my brother and grandmother discussed how much they hate me. They thought I was asleep. FML

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By jolene11 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML

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By divorced - United States

Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

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By its_all_legit - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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By Zebracat - United States

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after it sent, I realized the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

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By number2 - United States

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By DirtyNurse - 5/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Such a rewarding career

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7471014 - Friday 16 June 2017 4:16

So you farted and got away with it without blame? FYL indeed, OP. Hopefully next time your friend will suspect you instead of their baby.

By Talented73 | 54

#7471015 - Friday 16 June 2017 4:33

Rectum? It damn near killed 'um!

COMMENTS

By Tripartita | 44

#7471014 - Friday 16 June 2017 4:16

So you farted and got away with it without blame? FYL indeed, OP. Hopefully next time your friend will suspect you instead of their baby.

By Talented73 | 54

#7471015 - Friday 16 June 2017 4:33

Rectum? It damn near killed 'um!

By wickedgetz | 29

#7471024 - Friday 16 June 2017 5:15

atleast you got away with it

By KaIuLtLuEmRn | 8

#7471545 - Friday 16 June 2017 21:51

So someone smelled your fart but didn't even know it was you? How is that even slightly bad?

By ProperPengTing | 15

#7471656 - Saturday 17 June 2017 5:10

18? Lol just say a 1 year old

By Madrias | 36

#7471683 - Saturday 17 June 2017 7:43

Well, it wasn't noticed as a fart, so you're golden.

By js1992 | 8

#7473055 - Monday 19 June 2017 6:59

1 and a half year old. for fucks sake. do you call a 2 year old a 24 month old as well. generally after a year it usually just goes by year not months because you don't have to count by months any more...

Reply

cthvlhv | 0

#7474377 - Wednesday 21 June 2017 17:09

Calm down. It's not that serious.

By dexter420 | 21

#7645581 - Friday 8 June 2018 23:31

You were in a restaurant. What is wrong with you?