Intimacy: Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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Messed up

Dementia or hate? You decide

Genius, definitely

By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I am two months pregnant. Being super hormonal, I was crying about how much I was crying. My husband put his arms around me to comfort me, and I sobbed so hard that I threw up all over him. FML

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By Who-is-living-with-whom

Today, my mother finally finalized her divorce! Unfortunately, she'll have to sell the house, and when she does, she'll move in with me. I only moved out a month ago. FML

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By Lyn - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 08:08

Like what you see?

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

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By

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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By bleachingmykidsbrains - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

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By Bad at life

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one my friends died. All my crying gave me a headache, so I asked my boyfriend to bring me some aspirin. My headache didn't go away. Instead, I got diarrhea because my boyfriend gave me laxatives instead of aspirin as a "joke" to cheer me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

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By Dump Tump

Today, my flute broke. I have an exam coming tomorrow and all repair shops are closed. I guess I’ll have to lose £150. FML

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By Jack00412 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

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By bob - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By Dude_Stop

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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By Jay - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

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By thesixth - Kenya

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

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By no cake for me - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By Nearis - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

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By Rakib - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

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By Douche - 31/7/2020 23:01

Karma chameleon

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

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By idiot says pussy - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

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By perfectman - Australia - Sydney

Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "F*ck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - United States

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

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By Yoda - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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By swirkishly - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By BadTime - United States

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By the other guy? - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

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By brokebackanus - United States - Detroit

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

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By Anonymous - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By boiled ladybits - 25/6/2020 14:02

Call the waaaambulance!

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

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Top comments

By Nexxion | 0

#150392 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 10:14

Today, I called up my best friend because my grandfather had just died. I suddenly hear the sound of a zipper, some moaning, and a dialtone as he hangs up while I'm still bawling. FML

By MtVernonVA | 0

#150320 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:28

Then what happened?

COMMENTS

By MtVernonVA | 0

#150320 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:28

Then what happened?

Reply

TheDoubleStuffOr | 0

#967655 - Thursday 25 March 2010 3:16

Your odviously a good fucker otherwise he wouldn't have sex at that time...

Reply

Killuhk | 8

#4417277 - Thursday 10 May 2012 18:50

Blow jobs help lighten the mood haha jk

By happygolucky9 | 0

#150326 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:30

i don't get it

Reply

lutzluv124 | 0

#348672 - Sunday 28 June 2009 10:53

he wanted to get laid that badly:
either he is a majore asshole or you gotta step it up in the bedroom

Reply

lajava1234 | 0

#985865 - Tuesday 27 April 2010 7:29

how is this bad?

Reply

mynameisshow | 4

#4197550 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 23:33

Are you trolling, or just stupid?

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5099508 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 3:08

YOU DUM.

Reply

Juneyah1017 | 9

#5623518 - Monday 12 August 2013 4:05

No one died you fool. It's all a lie to hide the fact that he's a cheater.

Reply

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5814880 - Friday 3 January 2014 7:38

But OP said she heard crying!

By roberteskimo | 0

#150328 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:31

LMAO

By mjsmclaren | 0

#150332 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:33

#2, are you slow or just bad at reading?

Reply

Deeno15 | 0

#348351 - Sunday 28 June 2009 7:06

did you do your job? hahah
so funny man. shot! :) XD

By JOELY_fml | 0

#150333 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:33

HAHA
thats awesome what a legend.

By monkeyjuice | 0

#150340 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:35

LOL

This is more of an FML for the best friend.

By TheDarkoprince | 0

#150341 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:35

hahaha thats awesome!

By crunkk426 | 0

#150343 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:36

Bite his cock off and kick him in the fanny

By happygolucky9 | 0

#150345 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:36

oh lol i get it now

Reply

PaisleyKing90 | 0

#2667421 - Sunday 12 June 2011 23:07

duh

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#150347 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 9:37

Uh, wouldn't you have been more upset if he walked up and left to talk this other female? So what happened after he put the phone down? That's the deciding factor!

Reply

Leadamp | 7

#3077878 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 11:00

no she probably wouldn't have minded because the best friends grandad had just died. It would have showed her that her boyfriend was a considerate guy who cared about his friends.