Intimacy: Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 04:51 - United States - Burbank

Spicy

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 268

You deserved it 2 432

Our house, in the middle of our street

Age difference

Some winners…

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 19:00 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 105

Not the sharpest tool

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 02:01

Today, it became apparent that my new boyfriend has the mental process where unless you give him specific instructions, he can’t do anything right. Such as when asking him to let the dog out, it won’t occur to him to let the dog back in until I get home. By then the dog had destroyed the garden out of boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 219

By Anonymous - 14/04/2018 15:00

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 560

You deserved it 621

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 06:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 614

You deserved it 10 369

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 496

You deserved it 1 857

By Lindsey Taul - 22/12/2017 22:00 - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 148

You deserved it 279

By MetalisLife - 11/01/2017 09:50

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 501

You deserved it 5 777

By Reihna - 15/10/2012 13:10 - United States - Marion

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 386

You deserved it 4 113

By jennabee97 - 08/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 824

You deserved it 4 197

By callen5 - 10/03/2012 15:16 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 881

You deserved it 4 177

By hunnydoll - 18/08/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 380

You deserved it 81 511

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 16:47 - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 187

You deserved it 44 928

Charlie

By Jonathan lemon - 22/10/2021 20:00

Today, I picked my son up from school, and asked how his day went. He told me how his friend explained to him that his mommy snorts sugar with his uncle, and if he could try what his friend's mom calls "Booger sugar" when we got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 37

By dogshavenipples - 02/06/2010 23:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 528

You deserved it 2 683

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 912

You deserved it 11 786

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 802

You deserved it 2 768

By Steve.mc - 01/05/2011 07:03 - Canada

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 381

You deserved it 7 949

By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 652

You deserved it 398

By shway - 15/07/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 431

You deserved it 7 222

By sirenmario - 20/01/2011 00:52

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words 'stupid bitch' every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 937

You deserved it 2 663

By lexigan4 - 29/10/2014 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 143

You deserved it 3 730

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 351

You deserved it 3 950

Covidiots just wanna have fun

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 13:59

Spicy

Today, I've been in lockdown for so long, I got turned on by washing carrots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 183

By SpideyFace - 19/03/2011 01:36 - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 833

You deserved it 5 844

By Anonymous - 28/11/2013 16:53 - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 481

You deserved it 4 326

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 458

You deserved it 2 809

By Traffickills - 22/04/2016 00:30 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 392

You deserved it 4 988

By Anonymous - 26/09/2014 20:00 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad "What's up?" He casually replied: "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 929

You deserved it 3 006

By Anonymous - 16/07/2019 22:30

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 22/03/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I noticed a weird smell coming from my four year old daughter's room. I went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet for when she "can't make it in time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 155

You deserved it 4 349

By Goody2shoes - 21/07/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 756

You deserved it 47 053

By college student - 23/11/2014 18:22 - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 737

You deserved it 9 017

Fish and chips is life

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 17:00

Today, my husband had his hands full with the shopping, so I was carrying the baby and the bag with our takeaway in it. I tripped down the steps and fell over. Did my husband ask if I or the baby were OK? Nope. But he did ask if I’d squashed his fish and chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 205

By Anonymous - 20/02/2019 04:00

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 169

By humiliated - 20/03/2016 11:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 954

You deserved it 2 326

By possiblyoverweight - 08/11/2011 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 817

You deserved it 4 362

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went up front to pay. The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 016

You deserved it 2 691

Just ignore it!

By nothing like tasty asshole - 26/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 776

You deserved it 563

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - 20/05/2020 17:00

Today, my husband walked in on me while I was masturbating and watching porn (yes women do it too). Now he thinks I’m unsatisfied with him or our sex life. All I wanted was a quick release. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 448

By Une Fille - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 214

You deserved it 44 129

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Top comments

A07 48

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:56

Five comments and not a single one advocating dumping, this just might turn out to be a good year.

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:53

Sounds like he's feeling a little immasculated. Just tell him it's first time jitters and it's nothing to worry about, it happens to a lot of people and does not mean he's gay, just a little nervous!

Comments

everythingelena 28

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ManUtdFan743 21

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Friday 15 January 2016 15:06

I can think of at least 10 things that would be worse than this in under a minute...

itsthewayitis 10

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Friday 15 January 2016 17:33

being with you would be number 1

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Friday 15 January 2016 17:47

Yikes, I could feel that burn through my phone.

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Friday 15 January 2016 19:52

Damn yall are a bunch of hard asses! I think you made a very valid point #1 yeah worse things could happen but is that really what your thinking about in this particular situation? No your bf couldn't get it up and maybe just maybe could be gay that is the last think you'd want to hear in that moment.

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:52

Maybe you could try some foreplay. He does seem quite nervous.

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 15 January 2016 12:21

Being an insensitive asshole isn't attractive. You should try to be a bit nicer to people.

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Friday 15 January 2016 12:45

Sounds like you're the type of person to look at all the negatives in others, 3. Have a heart. Goodness.

leogachi 15

Friday 15 January 2016 22:41

@3 Did you mean pouting? Because if so, I agree with you.

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 15 January 2016 12:57

Why would OP dumb him? It could've been his first time.

GamerG0DDESS 29

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Friday 15 January 2016 16:07

I believe it was his first time, he did say "I hope I'm not gay." If he had been with another woman he probably wouldn't have said that because he would be confident in what he likes. I could be wrong, there might be other factors at play here that I'm unaware of.

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Friday 15 January 2016 23:00

Now that you mention it, that could possibly signify that it's his first time. But, then again, it can signify the opposite. But I'm more on the first time thing.

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:53

Sounds like he's feeling a little immasculated. Just tell him it's first time jitters and it's nothing to worry about, it happens to a lot of people and does not mean he's gay, just a little nervous!

Elban 20

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Friday 15 January 2016 20:37

Really nervous or she's pretty hot and he spilt the milk

urbanbigfoot 20

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 20:51

Both of your comments made me giggle. ?

A07 48

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:56

Five comments and not a single one advocating dumping, this just might turn out to be a good year.

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:59

wow, it wasn't ruined already? must have been a good year so far. :P

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Monday 18 January 2016 2:25

That's cold hearted

totallynotemily 25

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:57

He might have erectile dysfunction. Get some viagra if this is true

A07 48

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Friday 15 January 2016 11:59

Or it could be his first time

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Friday 15 January 2016 13:41

OP is probably young 7, meaning he likely doesn't have ED, and if he did Viagra wouldn't be the way to go. Eating natural things like ginger will improve bloodflow, giving erections back.

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Friday 15 January 2016 12:03

Poor guy. I'm sorry that happened on your first time but I'm sure everything will work out! :3

Steffi3 40

Friday 15 January 2016 12:11

It actually happens to a lot of guys during their first time. Just try again some other time, no worries!

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Friday 15 January 2016 12:19

He sounds nervous. Don't be too hard on him!

laden_swallow09 34

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Friday 15 January 2016 15:21

Well, ONE of them has to be! Yes, I know. I'll see myself out.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 70

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 283