Health: Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car...

By lizzie - United States

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

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Health

You tried

Sewer monster

No Gods, No Masters

By obeezy - United States

Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me tampon girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I returned from vacation overseas to find I'd lost my job. The manager approved my leave, but forgot to put it in the system, so I was written up repeatedly for not showing up. If I want my job back, I have to wait 90 days and apply to start over. FML

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By shelteredchild - United States

Today, I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go to the movies alone on my first date with my new boyfriend. She said ok, which was surprising because she never lets me go anywhere alone. When I got to the theatre with him I saw my mom. She had saved seats for us. FML

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By NOOOOOO - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

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By weaknesspersonified - Austria

Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML

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By cyantist - United States

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

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By Andrexwife - United Kingdom

Today, it's my first wedding anniversary, or Paper anniversary. I got him airline tickets for an expensive weekend break for two in Berlin. He got me a toilet roll. FML

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By really_now - United States - Reno

Reverse Uno card

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

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By eggman 583 - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

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By candy man - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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By KaityK - United States

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

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By Al Staten

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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By ouch - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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By someone - United States - Mogadore

Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML

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By AAnonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my ex sent me a pack of beer to screw with me. I'm still going to AA, and I thought I was almost over it. Five bottles later, I realized I'm not. We didn't break up over my drinking, either; it was because after just 2 weeks of dating, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't marry her. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - United States - Loudon

Road rage

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By welptbh - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me off hormones, like a heroin addict." FML

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By fuckoffgran - Ireland

Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

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By Kit - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By wotwzombie - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By nightfall8705 - United States - Walhalla

Today, I had to make my boss believe that I was late to work because my sick dog shit all over my bedsheets and I had to clean up the mess before work. The truth is, I don't have a dog, and I wrongly trusted a long fart this morning. FML

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By "schober60" - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML

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By Claire.L

Catch 22

Today, I gave my boss a two-month notice. He threatened me by saying he wouldn't provide a reference if I quit in July instead of August. I need the reference to pursue my dream to work in the USA as a nanny. I have no other choice, I either work under their pressure or start all over. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By Anonymous

Invisible Woman

Today, I accidentally overslept and missed a morning breakfast at work, one I never get to have when it happens. Not only did my boss say nothing about me being absent, he even asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Briscuit - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML

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By Msmerfner - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

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By jakeson12 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my "friend" thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to use my phone to text my girlfriend, bragging that I'd found a new "slampiece" and that she's "fukcin dumpd". Now I'm single, her dad keeps making threatening calls to me, and nobody will even listen to my side of the story. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Management 101

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

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Top comments

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#2984864 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:13

Moron.

By Legendslayer222 | 26

#2984874 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:20

Sounds like it was a great day out! :D

COMMENTS

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#2984864 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

amypr | 20

#2984938 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 20:02

Agreed. Did you not notice that you were alone? And that no one was performing?

I don't see how this could have happened, no way would it take more than 5 minutes for OP to figure this out. I call shenanigans.

amypr | 20

#2984943 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 20:05

Agreed. Did you not notice that no one else was there to take the ticket? Or that no one was performing>

I don't see how this could have happened, no way would it take more than 5 minutes for OP to figure this out. I call shenanigans.

juicedboi | 7

#2985025 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 21:53

Well now you can show people how to blow into their thumb and make your hand bigger. That or how to slam your hand in a door. The latter would be more entertaining.