Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met.... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/4/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66998

You deserved it

5957

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Who's a good boy?

By thanksmom - 2/2/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29077

You deserved it

2845

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59681

You deserved it

11692

Tweet

Share

By twiggy24 - 5/2/2012 02:51 - United States

Today, I learned that my "cash back rewards" for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8230

You deserved it

42330

Tweet

Share

By heartbroken - 8/2/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. -Mom" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42373

You deserved it

8322

Tweet

Share

By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56761

You deserved it

4177

Tweet

Share

By - 21/12/2019 18:00

Not mine!

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3309

You deserved it

190

Tweet

Share

By maybenot - 6/8/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6786

You deserved it

29737

Tweet

Share

By Username - 25/5/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52253

You deserved it

9569

Tweet

Share

By ... - 2/1/2012 06:45 - United States

Today, I found out that, after offering to fill out my student aid application for me, my mother sent all of my personal information to a scam site instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31774

You deserved it

4396

Tweet

Share

By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30331

You deserved it

10522

Tweet

Share

By violatedbuttcrack - 16/5/2013 10:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56053

You deserved it

5331

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41861

You deserved it

4624

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 20:30

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2992

You deserved it

158

Tweet

Share

By CompleteWithPictures - 14/7/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebees. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says "Here, I thought this might help." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15099

You deserved it

46489

Tweet

Share

By boo - 17/11/2014 03:07 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29208

You deserved it

6120

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 18:03 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59243

You deserved it

6264

Tweet

Share

By rejected - 29/1/2010 14:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21527

You deserved it

4912

Tweet

Share

By bail? - 29/8/2019 23:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, my daughter's idea of a prank was taking all of our money and getting herself arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1517

You deserved it

145

Tweet

Share

By Kelavmeister - 17/4/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86949

You deserved it

6943

Tweet

Share

By Username - 9/3/2011 10:04

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44927

You deserved it

6169

Tweet

Share

By longdistancemyass - 11/8/2017 23:15

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is currently dating a girl who lives in Korea. We broke up because I was moving to a different part of the city for college and he thought the distance would be "too much." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3934

You deserved it

280

Tweet

Share

By Geemeisters - 8/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21949

You deserved it

1806

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 18:00

Fishing

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1646

You deserved it

305

Tweet

Share

By twitch01 - 9/8/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14701

You deserved it

54236

Tweet

Share

By itsEVERYWHERE - 8/3/2010 05:34 - United States

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36946

You deserved it

2595

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 16:30 - Reserved

Today, I had to escort some dumbass teenager from Home Depot after I found him masturbating in one of the model washrooms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43397

You deserved it

3383

Tweet

Share

By jess - 8/4/2012 14:30 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and decided to make my mom a special Easter breakfast in bed. I pre-heated the oven to bake the sausage just the way she likes. Guess where my easter basket was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31650

You deserved it

6962

Tweet

Share

By ramis182 - 27/3/2012 00:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27417

You deserved it

4645

Tweet

Share

By stupidsantaclaus - 8/10/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my friend, when my four year old nephew came in, asking who I was talking to. I told him it was Santa Claus, so he insisted on talking to him. I handed over the phone and I hear, "Santa is fake. Grow up." I spent the next two hours with a screaming child proving Santa exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15821

You deserved it

41727

Tweet

Share

By OUCH. - 17/11/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41440

You deserved it

3395

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/4/2015 14:45 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31238

You deserved it

2210

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 20:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9470

You deserved it

79505

Tweet

Share

By Ice cold - 22/11/2012 05:35 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, my girlfriend decided to break the news that she wanted us to be "just friends." However, she did it not in just any old way - while ice-skating. I'm currently in hospital getting stitches in my arm after I tripped in shock and she ran me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27148

You deserved it

1736

Tweet

Share

By fml...really - 27/11/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27377

You deserved it

4069

Tweet

Share

By Austin - 12/2/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32791

You deserved it

3764

Tweet

Share

By CallaC - 15/3/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

39355

You deserved it

2862

Tweet

Share

By Hypocrisy - 28/9/2011 22:16 - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19578

You deserved it

56558

Tweet

Share

By Minabee - 4/2/2010 18:28 - United States

Today, I am meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In so doing, I accidentally touched the iron to my neck, and now I have a burn there that closely resembles a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31864

You deserved it

4852

Tweet

Share

By tickyette - 14/9/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32118

You deserved it

10314

Tweet

Share

By NickJJ - 16/5/2014 02:34 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43388

You deserved it

18353

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By weinerdog | 2

#88394 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:08

Well, I'd say it's an fml because the dude apparently can't find any dates that are smarter than a box of rocks.

By Demon_fml | 0

#88383 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:07

More like FHL!!! Was she blonde?

Comments

By snzizle | 0

#88372 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:06

um this is stupid. why is this an fml?

By Demon_fml | 0

#88383 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:07

More like FHL!!! Was she blonde?

Reply

hwkfan1 | 10

#966621 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

zen4681 | 8

#4850344 - Thursday 23 August 2012 1:06

Not all blonds are dumb, my two blond friends are really smart

By fthelife_fml | 0

#88386 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:08

um, because the girl was stupid and didn't get the concept of red meat...hahahha.

By dontcallmekim | 0

#88389 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:08

shes so smart

By weinerdog | 2

#88394 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:08

Well, I'd say it's an fml because the dude apparently can't find any dates that are smarter than a box of rocks.

Reply

rcbarnes | 24

#4112797 - Friday 2 March 2012 3:45

Seriously.

Reply

fortunelady | 15

#4452574 - Friday 18 May 2012 20:53

:) Great phrase. Also, dumber than a bag of hammers. :)

By TurtleGenius | 0

#88412 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

Well. She's a keeper.

By omglolydi | 0

#88436 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:13

This is when you turn around and drop her off at home

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#88439 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:13

This FML reminds me of my ex (not ex at the time) whom I convinced her that I didn't complete 7th grade and I had to go back or else they would take away my HS diploma.

Reply

christa953 | 12

#981006 - Saturday 17 April 2010 18:43

how is it an Fml?

Reply

crazykidd15 | 0

#2107286 - Monday 21 February 2011 14:29

it's not its just a story of his stupid ex

By UnCensoredBitch | 0

#88448 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:14

BAHAHAHAHA! Well at least shes a cheap date!

By JessS92_ | 0

#88482 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:20

k yeah this is kinda a pointless fml :S