Intimacy: Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54399

You deserved it

12026

Favorite

Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

What a catch

The World won't Listen

By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1639

You deserved it

111

Favorite

By moxy

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9637

You deserved it

65615

Favorite

By DroopyDog - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35855

You deserved it

3917

Favorite

By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12823

You deserved it

43462

Favorite

By Stingraybeemonster - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18342

You deserved it

2266

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27068

You deserved it

39507

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50594

You deserved it

12362

Favorite

By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38349

You deserved it

3421

Favorite

By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27015

You deserved it

2004

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25468

You deserved it

17450

Favorite

By Blue_Heart - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25788

You deserved it

1948

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24025

You deserved it

4432

Favorite

By poopcoloredeyes - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38109

You deserved it

3676

Favorite

By nowbrokevaper - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9285

You deserved it

776

Favorite

By Anonymous

Put it away

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

938

You deserved it

913

Favorite

By saltinawound - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend of almost a year because he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I'm "overweight," even though I only weigh 130 pounds. Afterward I went to my friend's house and sat in an old wooden chair. It broke into pieces as soon as I sat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93952

You deserved it

9790

Favorite

By WIIslave - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11887

You deserved it

28926

Favorite

By Whatthehell - United States - Soddy Daisy

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21923

You deserved it

2451

Favorite

By Jen

Throw the book at him

Today, I got fired from my job at a library for hitting an old man with a book. In my defence, I had asked him about a massive water stain on a book he'd returned. He told me it was his cum, wanted to know if it excited me and then tried to touch my boobs. Dirty old pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5026

You deserved it

255

Favorite

By SenescentSouthernBoy - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9457

You deserved it

60632

Favorite

By BigHelp - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21928

You deserved it

4462

Favorite

By Anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33069

You deserved it

3564

Favorite

By confused - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40575

You deserved it

5304

Favorite

By sadandmad - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21975

You deserved it

2859

Favorite

By sdauner - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29137

You deserved it

7054

Favorite

By glocked and goaded - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26691

You deserved it

2775

Favorite

By Emily - United States - Hayward

Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24910

You deserved it

2949

Favorite

By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58682

You deserved it

13276

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23459

You deserved it

5708

Favorite

By Anonymous

Deliverance

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1489

You deserved it

132

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34860

You deserved it

5801

Favorite

By Herestheskinny

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4496

You deserved it

468

Favorite

By almost

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4158

You deserved it

319

Favorite

By BirthdayGirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37186

You deserved it

5438

Favorite

By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23257

You deserved it

7331

Favorite

By Daddy - France

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8447

You deserved it

59517

Favorite

By Username - France

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16070

You deserved it

36113

Favorite

By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37233

You deserved it

4486

Favorite

By CaddyWhack

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8410

You deserved it

765

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33754

You deserved it

5128

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#174479 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:10

i guess you're not in much of a position to give her advice then, huh?

unless you used to get it on all the time or something.

By Arian_fml | 0

#174499 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:13

Why did you lie?
And what makes you a sex guru?

COMMENTS

By samiams00 | 0

#174473 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:07

First!
And ouch.

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#174479 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:10

i guess you're not in much of a position to give her advice then, huh?

unless you used to get it on all the time or something.

CoonAndFriends | 0

#1754935 - Friday 26 November 2010 15:48

"Used to"

There's some keywords here.

I think she shouldn't give sex advice if she hasn't had sex within the past few months?

Agh. I dunno...

By shinkdog | 0

#174481 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:10

oh no! you're not a whore!! f your life

Youdumbidiot | 0

#1018663 - Friday 4 June 2010 6:08

I agree. you haven't had sex for awhile it's not the ended of the world get on with life you whore

By Gltokensp06 | 0

#174483 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:11

No worries, not all of us are raging sex bots. I for one....am too bad for you.

By wowfmlife | 0

#174490 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:12

That seems like a good thing to me...unless you're married

By FBIWarning | 0

#174491 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:12

go out and fix the problem then :P

By twilighter_644 | 0

#174497 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:13

she came to the pro

By Arian_fml | 0

#174499 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:13

Why did you lie?
And what makes you a sex guru?

By anniebananie | 3

#174515 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:16

#3 and #5, STFU! So if you're in a relationship and have sex with your boyfriend, that makes you a whore now? Grow up! I seems like the OP is not in a relationship, while her friend is.

By Madalena_fml | 0

#174516 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 20:16

At least you're not a slut who sleeps around . Hahahahah

STD's gotta catch 'em all ?!

No thanks .

Felendris | 0

#923808 - Monday 8 March 2010 3:49

LOL
I see what you did there.