Health: Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 69

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 35

03/03/2011 21:18

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 921

You deserved it 7 232

Taking stock

Empathy lives

Addams Family Values

Kinky

By huskynick - 18/06/2020 05:05

Spicy

Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 579

03/06/2012 22:41

Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 227

You deserved it 3 009

10/04/2018 15:00

Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 574

You deserved it 460

For better and for worse

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 20:01

Today, my husband decided he was finally going to quit his job. We literally bought a house last week. His job is/was easy, with pay way above his qualifications. After we'd talked about it FOR THE 50TH TIME, he did the opposite and texted the dept. head that he hates the company and wants to be part time at most. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 104

07/07/2013 13:58

Spicy

Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone decided to throw on the ground rather than in a garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 477

You deserved it 5 045

26/07/2013 00:13

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 434

You deserved it 9 636

07/02/2015 18:32

Today, my sister tried to convince me to go to a plastic surgeon, because "Bitchface Syndrome's no joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 181

You deserved it 3 918

30/12/2014 00:41

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 638

You deserved it 3 128

29/03/2009 21:08

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 174

You deserved it 25 612

02/08/2012 14:12

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 396

You deserved it 3 032

14/01/2011 23:07

Spicy

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 725

You deserved it 32 160

07/08/2015 00:29

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 228

You deserved it 2 364

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 23:00

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 219

Making an entrance

By conspicuous - 12/09/2012 20:11

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and some clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 550

You deserved it 3 874

11/04/2010 06:34

Spicy

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 589

You deserved it 8 656

30/11/2010 03:08

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 727

You deserved it 6 973

12/04/2017 00:00

Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 540

You deserved it 1 672

11/09/2015 18:40

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 270

You deserved it 4 476

10/09/2011 18:19

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 684

You deserved it 2 782

05/03/2015 17:36

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 529

You deserved it 2 805

01/11/2009 11:33

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 895

You deserved it 2 344

29/03/2014 21:31

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 822

You deserved it 5 318

16/07/2010 00:17

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 977

You deserved it 27 610

04/05/2014 18:57

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 135

You deserved it 4 042

24/09/2010 20:21

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 191

You deserved it 14 811

Masked Singer

By ted_the_interpreter - 22/11/2020 05:03

Today, I was in a video conference with my coworkers. They started arguing so much that I decided to turn off my video and started chanting ,"Let it be over, let it be over... Let me go!" The boss finally stoped everybody to comment, "We can hear you." I hadn't turned my mic off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 339

You deserved it 1 263

Cats gonna cat

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 14:00

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 343

20/01/2009 08:27

Today, my mom just handed me a book called "100 Ways To Motivate Yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 343

You deserved it 5 990

20/02/2014 08:57

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 391

You deserved it 3 965

16/06/2019 04:42

Today, I received my first customer complaint. It said, "I am a regular customer and when I come in, he is always smiling and tells me he will see me soon when I leave. This makes me feel very uncomfortable." Now I'm under investigation for sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 338

You deserved it 151

Food porn

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 22:01

Today, I decided to start eating healthier, so I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch. My stomach violently rejected both meals in a fountain of vomit. I later ate a giant McDonald’s meal with no issue, and felt loads better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 277

16/06/2011 03:53

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 190

You deserved it 9 943

20/02/2009 05:17

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 491

You deserved it 2 834

12/09/2010 07:23

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 092

You deserved it 2 768

13/07/2016 04:11

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 953

You deserved it 831

Reasonable

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:21

Spicy

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 975

You deserved it 4 374

07/12/2018 07:30

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 270

You deserved it 207

14/08/2016 19:21

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 368

You deserved it 4 951

22/08/2012 15:13

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 064

You deserved it 6 712

10/09/2010 06:28

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 934

You deserved it 28 645

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:31

I find this FML offensive. How the fuck would you feel if a swollen tomato said "My farmer grew me for too long and now I look like a girl with a nasty spot on her chin. FML" Yeah, it wouldn't feel too good, would it?

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

Don't forget the spagetthi! ;)

Comments

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

Don't forget the spagetthi! ;)

NancyDeebensDPDS 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 0:58

blue waffle--- yummy yummy!!

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Friday 4 March 2011 2:50

I once had the unfortunate experience of being a tomato, my advice is to avoid your Italian part of town. Papa Giuseppe is still after me.

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Friday 4 March 2011 4:52

yehh

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Friday 4 March 2011 10:33

I think u might of had a bad reaction to the cream. that's sad!!

donkeyshlong42 1

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Friday 4 March 2011 22:23

no shit sherlock

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Tuesday 10 May 2011 21:16

whoa 65 , you really think so?

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Monday 14 May 2012 5:54

Spaghetti*

friedpwnadge 25

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Thursday 7 February 2013 18:12

Oh, yes. Goddamnit lk I love you, you just made my day. Obscure references ftw, spaghetti blasters on maximum power.

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

You'll live.

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:09

Maybe your date didn't care. Or did you just decide not to go?

EmoLittleBish 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:09

try Clinique's acne system. its the only thing I could find to work

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:10

5th!!! yeah shoulda just popped

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Friday 4 March 2011 20:34

lame

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:13

that blows

Shawnee_dear 10

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:15

Maybe you should have applied it to your entire face so you'd be all one tone. Just sayin' it could work.(:

ImKindaABigDeal 6

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Friday 4 March 2011 6:39

If you can't be pretty, at least be consistent!

andrewmejia56 0

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Saturday 5 March 2011 7:36

wow haha

himynameiskrista 0

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Wednesday 5 October 2011 7:26

Consistantly grotesque? I'm prettttty sure that wasn't exactly what OP was shootin for. xD

SmallTownCutie 0

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:22

Same here! If anything, their moisturizer works miracles OP.

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:22

jajaha cuff

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Thursday 3 March 2011 23:23

wait....wat?