Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally...

By nightwalker2253 - 16/11/2015 07:13 - United States - Orange

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

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Miscellaneous

Everyone's an expert

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

The student becomes the master

By ew. - 17/8/2010 04:28 - Canada

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

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By Chaznuts - 8/9/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

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By FuglyBetty - 13/11/2014 16:44 - Norway - Arendal

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

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By Anonymous user - 9/8/2018 06:00

Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML

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By FMyBrain - 6/6/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

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By It wasnt even that close - 31/10/2015 13:23 - Germany - Herford

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

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By TheNewSalesRep - 21/1/2016 02:37 - Canada - Brantford

Today, on my second day at my new job, my supervisor told me that I was ready to make a sale on my own. Things were going well, until said supervisor interrupted my sales pitch, apologized on my behalf for being new, and stole my sale. FML

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By loveless - 24/9/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 16:00

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

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By JSF1234 - 11/5/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By Tim - 3/8/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

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By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2013 19:25 - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

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By emma209 - 24/1/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

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By Pelota - 1/7/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

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By ugh - 31/1/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By single and not mingling - 4/6/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 21:41 - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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By andrea99 - 3/10/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 17:38 - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 21:10 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

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By theapplesleader - 23/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Washington

Yucky!

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 20:25 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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By loveurlifejk - 28/12/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 09:58 - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2013 16:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

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By zappy - 11/10/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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By RightInTheFace - 12/9/2015 16:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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By Dragoness11 - 3/5/2019 03:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

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By hair2daygone4ever - 14/1/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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By cheesylad - 10/6/2017 06:00 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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By Eh... - 19/7/2009 07:25 - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 08:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over with a broken engraved bracelet that I paid 50 dollars for. I was so angry but when I stated "I am going to call them and get a new one!" my boyfriend said back to me "No it's okay, I didn't really like it anyways." It was for our 2 year anniversary. FML

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By mk - 20/6/2009 05:47 - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

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By Lovesickgal - 26/11/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, 3wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By msjustine - 6/5/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By Cannot Unknow - 21/1/2017 16:00

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swinger party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

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Top comments

By writerchic85 | 25

#6462883 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:50

Buy them all pacifiers at the next pit stop

By Steve95401 | 49

#6462888 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:52

These 26 year olds sound more like Middle Schoolers.

Comments

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6462874 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:45

Why'd she come if she's scared of water?

yeahsciencebitch | 7

#6463031 - Monday 16 November 2015 20:29

To be fair, no one said she's afraid of the water. There could be lots of reasons.

helptheorphans | 17

#6463092 - Monday 16 November 2015 22:03

Probably just a spoiled brat... (I know they are 26 but some people never change)

MrConfusion | 21

#6463424 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 6:14

Just to rain on their parade

nobody3597 | 6

#6466136 - Friday 20 November 2015 20:30

To most likely show off her bikini.

Naatya__fml | 25

#6620384 - Friday 3 June 2016 12:51

She is not scared of water, he just ruined her makeup, that's all ^^

By Fyrepower | 23

#6462875 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:45

oh, well that went swimmingly...

UnluckyLatina | 22

#6463466 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 8:09

Just keep swimming OP

By WolfsScar | 15

#6462878 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:48

Should've splashed her again.. nobody would've known she was crying.

By w0nderwh4t | 14

#6462879 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:49

Immaturity ftw

By oiler | 21

#6462880 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:49

Atleast you didnt push her in?

JustinJK | 21

#6462912 - Monday 16 November 2015 18:16

I would have after that

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6462935 - Monday 16 November 2015 18:42

she was floating IN the water

Mossyoak_kw | 28

#6462989 - Monday 16 November 2015 19:54

@24 No, she was floating ON the water.

By pd2902 | 22

#6462881 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:49

Hopefully the trip wasn't much longer, but that sounds quite childish of them :/

By writerchic85 | 25

#6462883 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:50

Buy them all pacifiers at the next pit stop

By Waxwell | 21

#6462884 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:51

She wasn't used to water, you're from California after all

killigan | 12

#6463195 - Monday 16 November 2015 23:49

What a savage

King_of_Cha0s | 12

#6463673 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 17:18

Ouch, that one stings

xTommytheGUNx | 15

#6464711 - Thursday 19 November 2015 1:59

ill get the burn ointment

By dramaelf | 37

#6462886 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:51

Why? Is she the Wicked Witch of the West?

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6462887 - Monday 16 November 2015 17:52

Plot twist: She's the Wicked Witch and was scared she'd start melting