Today, I was finally leaving my hometown to live in my dream... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 05:55 - United States

Today, I was finally leaving my hometown to live in my dream city. Everything was packed, keys were handed in, goodbyes were made. The moment my truck began pulling out to get underway, the guy I had gotten a room from in my new city called to inform me that he decided to rent to someone else. FML

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Long story short

Delayed proposal

Rich people problems

By Bug5992 - 9/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Bunch of Freeloaders...

Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML

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By smurfpoo - 9/8/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 11:01 - United States - Rockaway Park

Credibility loss

Today, I was promoted to vice president of my company. I gave a speech explaining how I intended to run things more transparently. When I bent down to pick up my folder, my pants split. Somebody said, "Powerpuff girls panties. Transparent indeed." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 20:36 - Jordan - Amman

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML

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By shopper242 - 22/11/2010 12:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 28/2/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

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By gbabyy - 22/11/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in the bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

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By notnow - 27/9/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By Why? - 5/11/2015 03:57 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By ZombieGirl - 11/8/2015 07:43 - United States - Tampa

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

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By Yudith - 27/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By mr_p - 1/11/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300 pound man walked out, shook his head, and said "I'm sorry" to me. FML

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By Emily - 17/12/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML

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By Joe - 25/2/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

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By it_IS_just_me - 17/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2016 23:03 - United States - Alexandria

Today, my fiancé's mother gave me a beautiful cross necklace to wear for my wedding. I'm Jewish. FML

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By princeronron - 8/9/2015 02:02 - Switzerland - Prilly

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By TriangularBanana - 6/5/2016 21:45 - United States - Cypress

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

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By stillhave2years - 22/5/2013 10:56 - United States

Today, for the fourth time this week, I witnessed my mother dancing around the house naked. Apparently, she is loosening up her "inner nudist" and isn't planning on stopping any time soon. FML

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By pon-3 - 22/6/2012 21:13 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time. Their justification for giving me up for adoption was that I wasn't conceived at the ideal time for them. Apparently, the ideal time was six months after the adoption, when they conceived the first of my two brothers. FML

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By Trinity - 19/11/2012 22:37 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was sitting on a train, doing homework for my programming class, when a man sat in the seat next to me. He must have been a programmer too, because he spent the next few hours staring at my screen and laughing whenever I made a mistake. FML

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By - 17/1/2020 18:00

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By ulrika - 24/7/2016 01:09 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML

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By lm - 20/5/2009 20:49 - Ireland

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

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By livgasms - 18/8/2011 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I bought a new, expensive face moisturizer. However, it smells like poop. I paid $20 dollars to make my face smell like shit. FML

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By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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By So I can go now then? - 9/2/2019 20:00

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 13:30

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

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By Marcus Whitfield - 14/3/2020 15:00

Bear of a man

Today, I came to the unsettling realisation that the 2XL jacket that was originally 3 sizes too big for me is now a perfect fit. FML

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By keerta_fml - 4/5/2017 02:00

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By smalls727 - 22/11/2016 17:46

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 05:15 - United States - Bronx

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 02:08 - United States - Spanaway

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

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By jam - 27/7/2020 08:01

Is that even legal?

Today, my boss told me that I'm being terminated. Apparently, being pregnant means I was going to quit soon anyway, so there's no point. Now I have to get job so I don't get deported. FML

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By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

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Top comments

By DjeePee | 24

#4671704 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:19

Wait, didn't you had to sign a contract or so?

By zachherbert | 10

#4671700 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:18

At least you weren't half way there. You only just left.

COMMENTS

By zachherbert | 10

#4671700 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:18

At least you weren't half way there. You only just left.

Reply

blaackandprouud | 20

#4671717 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:25

Yeah, you're pretty lucky you hadn't actually left. But didn't you have some sort of contract with the guy? Or did you pack your stuff before confirming you could actually LIVE there?

Reply

TarieBoo | 2

#4671795 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 13:10

And atleast its her hometown she's still in so she knows some people she can stay with and try to get her old place back

Reply

wetFeline | 3

#4672726 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 17:44

Kill that flake!!!!

By AGhost5445 | 25

#4671702 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:18

Everything happens for a reason.

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4671784 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 13:05

Yeah, the reason that happened was because of some piece of shit.

Reply

alycion | 38

#4673934 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 22:42

2 - I am going to have to disagree with you. The fatalistic attitude takes power away from people who do want to make changes. I do believe in making the best of whatever the situation is but just because shit happens doesn't mean there is some sort of huge plan behind it.

Reply

bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#4674000 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:13

That's BS. You get pancreatic cancer and spend the final two years of your life in agony and tell us that.

Reply

outoftown | 26

#4674012 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:22

Nominating "Everything happens for a reason." to DocBastard's list of useless/annoying replies.

Reply

MooseKnuckle503 | 11

#4696374 - Monday 16 July 2012 21:12

Everything does happen for a reason! For the good or bad. For all we know, if they ended up there they could have been murdered or some shit.

By DjeePee | 24

#4671704 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:19

Wait, didn't you had to sign a contract or so?

Reply

CyborgBanana | 12

#4672640 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 15:34

23 - Obviously an accidental error, leave it out.

Reply

Drigr | 8

#4672781 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:02

The difference between being a douche and being a grammar nazi, when you jump on someone for an obvious accident instead of ignorance.

Reply

DjeePee | 24

#4673195 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 19:20

Oh, I don't mind him pointing out my mistake. After all, I'm not in high school anymore, so how am I going to write correct English if no one's correcting me? Plural verb after 'didn't', got it.

Reply

guy24 | 9

#4691079 - Sunday 15 July 2012 19:45

You can go to court over that and win. I am
Assuming you had a contract.

By Ecstasyyy | 3

#4671709 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:21

There will always be more opportunities, so don't be easily discouraged.

By shayshayshazam | 14

#4671713 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:25

Now you can plan a homecoming party!

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4671772 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:54

Parents: It felt like only today you left and now you're back! Life goes by so fast! *crys*

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4672583 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 15:07

*cries at the misspelling of cries*

Reply

TheArchAngel | 8

#4672645 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 15:35

41- It's already bad enough that that wasn't funny. But then you also had to go and make your own spelling error.

Reply

MrBrightside21 | 20

#4673758 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 21:54

Actually 48, "misspelling" is spelled correctly. Did you know that "misspell" is one of the most misspelled words in America?

I didn't.

By Mideoyeo | 12

#4671714 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:25

If you guys signed a contract he legally can't terminate it till the set amount of months or years are over! But I wish you all the best OP(:

By bignardz101 | 14

#4671725 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:29

Pretty sure that's illegal

Reply

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#4672588 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 15:12

Unless no papers were signed.

By pdp_fml | 21

#4671735 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:32

Find another room to rent!

By Tinyfinn | 0

#4671746 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:37

Maybe you should get a realtor to help you find a rental in your dream city. It may be better than you searching alone...

By KaylaDawnn | 5

#4671748 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:37

Wow, that would make me one sad camper.

Reply

Forlorn420 | 9

#4672803 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:10

You mean a sad panda. I'm a sad panda..