Health: Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup... - FML

By Lepisma - 27/11/2016 07:22 - United States - College Station

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 856

You deserved it 825

Mother of the year

Best teeth in the game

And today, on Dr Phil…

By kewlio45 - 01/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 868

You deserved it 6 319

Armed and not dangerous

By littledonny - 12/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 940

You deserved it 1 261

By ihateveganism - 22/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Spicy

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 140

You deserved it 9 952

By Less - 07/03/2011 19:39 - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 296

You deserved it 6 660

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 925

You deserved it 2 752

By FailedSalesman - 17/12/2016 17:39 - United States - Lewisville

Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 1 006

By babyboomerang - 12/05/2009 11:16 - United States

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 767

You deserved it 6 646

News from China

By HkxAliso0302 - 03/03/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 174

By Agamar - 23/02/2016 05:00 - United States - Skokie

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 195

You deserved it 2 664

By Morganisoverrated - 22/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 925

You deserved it 334

Potterheads, man…

By Anonymous - 14/04/2012 02:06 - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 763

You deserved it 61 936

By Callum536 - 22/08/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 909

You deserved it 858

By cachucy - 18/03/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 655

You deserved it 3 506

Maybe it's by accident?

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 21:30

Today, I've been binge-watching a certain Twitch/YouTube streamer. I love his political insights, but I've noticed he keeps saying, "On accident." It grinds my gears so much, I had to go outside and listen to birds chirping instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 467

By maninpain - 10/10/2011 19:44 - Kenya

Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 758

You deserved it 3 972

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 21:57 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 692

You deserved it 3 196

By hrtbrkn - 16/07/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 200

You deserved it 6 181

By Dj sMoZ! - 15/02/2011 15:30

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 450

You deserved it 43 453

By Anonymous - 18/07/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 073

You deserved it 3 722

Cabin fever

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 20:00

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 921

You deserved it 4 960

Can't feel my tongue

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 17:01

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 989

By T.C - 23/01/2010 12:21 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 069

You deserved it 2 502

By skiergal98 - 18/08/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 108

You deserved it 131

By possibly fucked - 22/06/2014 20:34 - Portugal - Lisbon

Spicy

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 732

You deserved it 9 506

By Forgotten Birthday Girl - 11/07/2018 20:30

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 884

You deserved it 266

By Pissy pants - 24/11/2018 13:30

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 116

You deserved it 216

By cmart_9 - 29/10/2013 04:24 - United States - Clayton

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 117

You deserved it 4 458

By josie345 - 25/08/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 27 230

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 630

You deserved it 33 262

By Eloise - 21/03/2017 14:00

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 388

You deserved it 355

By Anonymous - 19/04/2014 00:14 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 790

You deserved it 8 858

By Mishti - 13/05/2018 15:00

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 148

You deserved it 1 574

By NJ <3 - 10/01/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 166

You deserved it 3 671

By Jace - 19/08/2011 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my Catholic girlfriend home to meet my family for the first time. My brother thought it would be civil to spend over an hour insulting her religion and explaining in detail the many ways in which "the Force" is superior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 390

You deserved it 5 699

Randy Daddy

By franzbiel - 31/10/2009 12:54 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 852

You deserved it 2 529

By andifalls - 24/01/2011 05:11

Spicy

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 380

You deserved it 3 514

By Anonymous - 06/06/2011 23:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 920

You deserved it 60 693

By Loser - 01/11/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 554

You deserved it 4 610

By cassiebee - 04/11/2012 14:16 - United States - Morgan

Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 089

You deserved it 29 203

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 7:08

Better break a limb to distract from the giant burn that distracts from the nausea.

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 10:21

I hate that for you OP :( I just got over bronchitis and strep, I couldn't even take anything because I'm pregnant.. Just had to suck it up basically. I didn't really eat much because I kept throwing up, but crackers and sprite helped a little. OH! And lots of sleep!!(; Gives you a reason to stay in bed(: I hope you feel better soon!!

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 7:08

Should have made vichyssoise I guess.

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 7:08

Better break a limb to distract from the giant burn that distracts from the nausea.

chucklesman96 13

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 7:29

That's the only logical solution

LyricaSilvan 29

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 9:41

Then you're pretty much set after that point. Once the limb is gone, the phantom pains will take care of everything else.

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 14:15

Brilliant!

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 8:48

If you were up to making soup, it was probably a bad cold, not flu. Still FYL though!

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 13:48

It could have been mild flu or very bad cold, but either way I was up because it's the end of the second week, so I'm no longer bedridden, even if I don't feel great. I spent the previous week sleeping as much as I could while not suffocating on my own snot and trying not to starve because everything tasted like cardboard and did cartwheels in my gut.

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 10:21

I hate that for you OP :( I just got over bronchitis and strep, I couldn't even take anything because I'm pregnant.. Just had to suck it up basically. I didn't really eat much because I kept throwing up, but crackers and sprite helped a little. OH! And lots of sleep!!(; Gives you a reason to stay in bed(: I hope you feel better soon!!

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 12:47

Wait isn't this a copy of a previous FML? I'm sure I've read a similar story here...

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 13:43

The burns on my leg say otherwise. I don't know if there's a similar story out there, but it's definitely not copied.

DraconicFeline 31

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 18:07

Nah, OP was burned by soup, not a 3rd grader.

Qandol 26

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2016 13:34

Still a win if you ask me. Flu can be a bitch.

Send a private message

Friday 2 December 2016 1:32

technically it would be a scald, not a burn, but definitely FYL

peglegmeg9117 4

Send a private message

Sunday 4 December 2016 0:08

ginger ale soda helps ease naseau, just take sips because it is pretty bubbly and nibble crackers. youre probably already feeling better but for next time.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 100

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 288