Work: Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch....

By Shane

Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML

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Work

Vulture

Walk on the wild side

Dangling modifier

By Alyce - 10/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Lewistown

Surrounded

Today, my significant other woke at 4:30 a.m. to me crying about a spider in the bathroom. I have an intense fear of spiders; he was super nice and took care of it for me. He even walked me out to my car. I started to calm down driving to work, but when I got there what do I see on the door handle but a spider. I'm still shaking. FML

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By imalwaystired - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Take the L

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

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By StinkyDogs - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By chocolaterabbit - Australia

Today, my friends created a fake Facebook profile of a girl, and asked me to be in a relationship. Even my friends think I can't get a real girlfriend, and need a fake one to feel better. FML

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By Mintspice

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By person_r - Norway

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

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By dontgothere - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

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By fuckyou

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

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By Mulee - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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By hahahaha090114 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By socreepedouticanteven - United States - Procious

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

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By Baby Bethy - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

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By no cake for me - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By SphereMaiden

Today, after ignoring me for about a week, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. Why? He discovered that I use prescription deodorant. FML

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By really

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

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By Brady - Spain - Madrid

Today, I called a taxi after a night of partying. When it arrived, I realised I had no cash, so I told the driver I'd quickly grab some from an ATM. He made me leave my phone with him as collateral in case I was pulling a prank. He drove off the moment I turned my back. FML

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By WellThen - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Anonymous - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By queenmabby

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

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By lovethateuropeanblood - Japan - Osaka

Today, I enjoyed the soft caressing touch of the person I'm attracted to. It would have been even better if he weren't simply stroking my arm hair in amazement at its superior length and density. FML

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By tukker - Canada

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

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By ID10t - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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By why?? - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

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By Meh - United States - Bothell

Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML

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By Jesse Thames

Today, I received a series of rejection letters from jobs, one after the other. Last night, I stayed up into the wee morning hours to apply to campus jobs I'm not qualified for, because I was classified as a part-time student due to an administrative error. FML

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By firewait - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

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By britt71411 - United States

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous

Father of the year

Today, I realised that anyone who claims they enjoyed spending quality time together with their spouse and children during quarantine is a liar, a big fat liar. I know my kids aren’t even 10 yet, but god, I can’t wait for them to get houses of their own and move the fuck out. FML

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By grant b - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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By HK - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

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By seb21 - United States

Today, I called my dad to inform him I was coming home from college for the weekend. Expecting him to be excited, he responded with "why?" This weekend was my birthday. FML

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By cockalicious

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

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By fattie4life - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my little sister as she explained that all these guys like her now that she's so skinny and beautiful. My mom must have overheard me tell my sister that at least I was a cuter child, because my mom laughed and said, "Yeah right, we had to buy you fat kid diapers." FML

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By FYLyfer - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

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Top comments

By Superflyshyguy | 0

#2058867 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:15

"Up until I was 18, I thought you only had to wipe once after taking a dump. I just figured an itchy butt and brown underwear streaks were a part of life." -Thad Cassel.

By Trace01m | 11

#2058885 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:29

Maybe just reach back and scratch your ass.. I think it would be much more effort to use plywood..

COMMENTS

By zacharytk72 | 5

#2058791 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 15:58

hahahhaha

DahkLohd | 4

#2058961 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 17:10

Should have stuck your wood up her ass.

rallets | 22

#2060050 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:19

"im scratching my ass with this plywood, fuck it look like"

theres your response lol

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2062403 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 10:25

Rofl xD
Tbh if it was me i'd just stand there and laugh.

gamercanadian | 11

#2065956 - Thursday 10 February 2011 9:55

ROTFL LOL that's frkin hilarious dude

By Rob207 | 3

#2058793 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 15:59

tell her to f off

beeship321 | 5

#2059482 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 20:39

Your picture wins beyond so many levels. :D

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2062408 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 10:27

I agree :D

By monnanon | 13

#2058801 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:02

lol im assuming it wasnt down your trousers so whats the harm. If it was then your a silly arse for putting splinters in a sensitive area. Scratching your ass through overalls won't do any harm to the plywood so what was that womens problem.

By purdygal | 0

#2058808 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:02

why didn't you go to the bathroom?!?YDI

Alexxcunningham | 0

#2059092 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 18:20

who goes to the bathroom to scratch their ass?

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2059122 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 18:42

He didn't go to the bathroom because he hadn't finished building it yet.

By Graawr | 7

#2058831 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:06

Better be more careful. D:

MaximilianMarche | 0

#2062188 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 9:41

new pic

By Superflyshyguy | 0

#2058867 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:15

"Up until I was 18, I thought you only had to wipe once after taking a dump. I just figured an itchy butt and brown underwear streaks were a part of life." -Thad Cassel.

banana_buddy | 6

#2059083 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 18:17

^lmao win quote

Sassybq1 | 13

#2060080 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:25

LMFAO!!!!!! that man is a genius lol

ajmb88 | 0

#2063449 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 18:01

b.m.s. nothin but wisdom lol

By Jimboom | 11

#2058871 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:17

Tell her that if she can't see that you are scratching your arse then she needs glasses, that and she shouldn't be on an active build site if she can't see that much!

By Trace01m | 11

#2058885 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:29

Maybe just reach back and scratch your ass.. I think it would be much more effort to use plywood..

By vodkaliciouz | 4

#2058890 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:37

hahaha

By ilovesexywomen | 0

#2058909 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:50

shoulda took the plywood and shoved it up HER ass