Intimacy: Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang.... - FML

By psychicmother - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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Proactive

Family values

Extreme late fees

By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

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By chappedchap - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

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By Anonymous

Where is everyone?

Today, I tried to have a game night at my house. Suggesting a popular card game that everyone plays, snacks, and BYOB. No one showed or even said they weren't coming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta - Santa Venera

Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML

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By JPPUDLY - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

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By soapy - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By AndyAnonymous - United States

Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By KilteDKilleR - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By sostupid - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By lessimportantthanatable - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marsing

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

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By rhartnett11

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

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By KillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

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By daddy-to-be - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I received a free coupon from a baby supply store saying "congratulations on your expectancy." Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I am living with. All she had to say was "Surprise!" FML

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By fuck - United States

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

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By Abeille - Canada

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

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By SadFace - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML

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By Amberain - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By Ouch - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

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By peachass - Australia - Melbourne

Today at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

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By Chels - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

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By FreshFaced - United Kingdom

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

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By MommyLovesMe - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

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By sadinmass - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By "Sarah Ellsberry"

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By imnotacat - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

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By cstokes - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

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By ZThirteen - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few weeks back, rendering it useless. My father, a former mechanic, decided it's not worth the trouble of going in and fixing it. "Just keep with traffic when you're on the highway; you'll be fine." This $150 fee says otherwise. FML

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Top comments

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3262597 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:59

I guess your mother understands you. But maybe you were drunk and told her lol

By marinus_fml | 19

#3262613 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Don't worry, she won't have a recollection in the morning either.

COMMENTS

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3262597 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:59

I guess your mother understands you. But maybe you were drunk and told her lol

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3263017 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:09

Did your dad and his boss walk in on her handcuffed to the bed recently?

Reply

amoscore | 5

#3263351 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:37

So the question is: do you really like handcuffs?

Reply

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3263357 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:41

Makes me think about that song parody "Love in these cuffs"

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3263671 - Friday 9 September 2011 20:02

41 yeah she does lol. For her name thingy she put down phsycic mother or something lol

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#3263938 - Friday 9 September 2011 21:13

Be thankful. Your boyfriend now knows what you like and will probably do it :P

Reply

lmfao_shame | 9

#3264160 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:23

Her mom must be talking about those toy handcuffs she enjoyed playing with when she was a young'n.

Reply

farhil | 14

#3274156 - Sunday 11 September 2011 22:44

You gave your phone to your drunk mother to answer your boyfriend's call? That's an automatic YDI

By SimmoRocks | 1

#3262612 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:00

lol eww

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3264199 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:34

Are you a dude or a chick?

Reply

lexiale | 10

#5925211 - Friday 25 April 2014 2:42

I love comments like these

By marinus_fml | 19

#3262613 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Don't worry, she won't have a recollection in the morning either.

Reply

badactor009 | 0

#3262943 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:54

Wrong

Reply

dmw25 | 0

#3263070 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:19

Yeah lets state the obvious dude....

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3263227 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:06

And people say Americans are dumb?

Reply

Rachel247 | 0

#3263499 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:17

yeah but OPs boyfriend will

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3268907 - Saturday 10 September 2011 21:13

I remember everything the next day after getting drunk except when I've had enough to pass out, not saying OP's mum is the same but you can't always assume she won't remember either

By loserman67 | 35

#3262621 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Sounds to me like your mother is scouting out a potential "fuck-buddy".

Reply

lmfaoooooooooo | 4

#3264741 - Saturday 10 September 2011 2:24

So your not denying that you like handcuffs?

By RecklessJellyBea | 7

#3262625 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

She's trying to live out her sexual fantasies through you. Like.. a threesome.

By DeathMaple | 3

#3262628 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:02

Haha... Kinky

By davidisbeast | 12

#3262632 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:02

Haha YDI for giving your drunk mom the phone instead of waiting till you got home

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3263130 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:37

True.

By techweed | 12

#3262637 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:03

Kick the shit out of her when she's sober. Ahh domestic violence always make me laugh... *sarcastic*

Reply

amadais | 1

#3262705 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:09

Ah, your comment didnt

Reply

aligiorav | 11

#3262888 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:40

Ah stating the intention of your comment is always so much better than just wording it in a way which reveals your underlying intention...

Reply

flockz | 19

#3263684 - Friday 9 September 2011 20:07

Ahhh i just jizzed.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3264388 - Friday 9 September 2011 23:48

Ah, flockz jizz is on my chin

By example947 | 0

#3262658 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:05

Everyone likes handcuffs!

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3263132 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:39

Except for criminals and hostages.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3264334 - Friday 9 September 2011 23:30

Unless that particular hostage / criminal has a fetish for them.

By Senior29 | 8

#3262666 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:05

she proly xpected it 2 be in ur genes ;)