Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang.... - FML

By psychicmother - 9/9/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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Creepy

Fashion Police

My body, my choice

By 918boyz - 4/2/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By razzmataz - 28/1/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By Jennyfromdablock - 31/12/2010 03:28 - United States

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

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By Tomato - 11/8/2017 14:30

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2009 16:34 - United States

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

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By Tom Riddle - 19/12/2016 12:24 - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 22:25 - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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By whitechocolate - 20/7/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

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By areyouserious - 29/2/2012 10:36 - United States

Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML

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By 420curse - 5/5/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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By Ewt - 6/12/2019 05:00 - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

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By asdfghjkl - 10/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2015 13:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2017 23:15

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

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By tee - 6/4/2015 20:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By Oli974 - 22/10/2015 13:08 - France - N?ves-parmelan

Today, it's job interview day. In the elevator on the way there, I overheard potential candidates talking about the boss of the company, mocking his alleged lack of credibility. Who's the boss? Me. They don't know that yet. FML

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By Hungrytoothbrush - 7/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

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By Dumbweed - 28/8/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2011 18:43 - United States

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

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By coloring is not for me - 10/11/2015 05:52 - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By porkers gonna pork :\ - 12/3/2016 15:09 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

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By Anon - 6/9/2015 12:50 - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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By single - 20/10/2013 23:21 - United States

Today, I met up on a blind date. He took a phone call one drink in and said he had to leave because he didn't know it was his buddy's birthday, and they were having a party without him. I offered to split the bill and put out a $20. He got up, unlocked the bicycle behind us and rode off. FML

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By fuck the fucking cops - 16/3/2012 18:41 - Belgium

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

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By ohmygosh - 21/7/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

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By overdriven07 - 1/9/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United States

Mr. Burns

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 17:25 - Latvia - Aluksne

Today, two days before I'm due to fly out to Russia on my first vacation, I caught my extremely over-protective mother trying to force the family dog to eat my passport. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. 20 minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

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By tp2014 - 19/12/2013 13:12 - United States - Jesup

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 04:01 - Canada - Brampton

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc

Today, I fell down my stairs twice after helping a senior get in her car. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 06:59 - United States - Wittenberg

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

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By ilikemusicokay - 8/8/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. Since I knew it would take a while, I brought my iPod in for entertainment. To bad it disabled me from hearing the continuous knocks on the door as well as the manager eventually picking the lock and busting in. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By ouch - 11/12/2009 07:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 03:25 - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

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Top comments

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3262597 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:59

I guess your mother understands you. But maybe you were drunk and told her lol

By marinus_fml | 19

#3262613 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Don't worry, she won't have a recollection in the morning either.

COMMENTS

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3262597 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:59

I guess your mother understands you. But maybe you were drunk and told her lol

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3263017 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:09

Did your dad and his boss walk in on her handcuffed to the bed recently?

Reply

amoscore | 5

#3263351 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:37

So the question is: do you really like handcuffs?

Reply

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3263357 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:41

Makes me think about that song parody "Love in these cuffs"

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3263671 - Friday 9 September 2011 20:02

41 yeah she does lol. For her name thingy she put down phsycic mother or something lol

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#3263938 - Friday 9 September 2011 21:13

Be thankful. Your boyfriend now knows what you like and will probably do it :P

Reply

lmfao_shame | 9

#3264160 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:23

Her mom must be talking about those toy handcuffs she enjoyed playing with when she was a young'n.

Reply

farhil | 14

#3274156 - Sunday 11 September 2011 22:44

You gave your phone to your drunk mother to answer your boyfriend's call? That's an automatic YDI

By SimmoRocks | 1

#3262612 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:00

lol eww

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3264199 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:34

Are you a dude or a chick?

Reply

lexiale | 10

#5925211 - Friday 25 April 2014 2:42

I love comments like these

By marinus_fml | 19

#3262613 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Don't worry, she won't have a recollection in the morning either.

Reply

badactor009 | 0

#3262943 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:54

Wrong

Reply

dmw25 | 0

#3263070 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:19

Yeah lets state the obvious dude....

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3263227 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:06

And people say Americans are dumb?

Reply

Rachel247 | 0

#3263499 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:17

yeah but OPs boyfriend will

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3268907 - Saturday 10 September 2011 21:13

I remember everything the next day after getting drunk except when I've had enough to pass out, not saying OP's mum is the same but you can't always assume she won't remember either

By loserman67 | 35

#3262621 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Sounds to me like your mother is scouting out a potential "fuck-buddy".

Reply

lmfaoooooooooo | 4

#3264741 - Saturday 10 September 2011 2:24

So your not denying that you like handcuffs?

By RecklessJellyBea | 7

#3262625 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

She's trying to live out her sexual fantasies through you. Like.. a threesome.

By DeathMaple | 3

#3262628 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:02

Haha... Kinky

By davidisbeast | 12

#3262632 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:02

Haha YDI for giving your drunk mom the phone instead of waiting till you got home

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3263130 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:37

True.

By techweed | 12

#3262637 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:03

Kick the shit out of her when she's sober. Ahh domestic violence always make me laugh... *sarcastic*

Reply

amadais | 1

#3262705 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:09

Ah, your comment didnt

Reply

aligiorav | 11

#3262888 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:40

Ah stating the intention of your comment is always so much better than just wording it in a way which reveals your underlying intention...

Reply

flockz | 19

#3263684 - Friday 9 September 2011 20:07

Ahhh i just jizzed.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3264388 - Friday 9 September 2011 23:48

Ah, flockz jizz is on my chin

By example947 | 0

#3262658 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:05

Everyone likes handcuffs!

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3263132 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:39

Except for criminals and hostages.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3264334 - Friday 9 September 2011 23:30

Unless that particular hostage / criminal has a fetish for them.

By Senior29 | 8

#3262666 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:05

she proly xpected it 2 be in ur genes ;)