Intimacy: Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang.... - FML

By psychicmother - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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Instadrama

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Go anyway, see the sights

By luvs2spooge89 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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By bannana0zoom - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By mylifesucks - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

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By Beast - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was cast as beast in my high school's production of Beauty and the Beast. My Grandma's input? "At least they won't need any makeup." FML

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By notgoodenough

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

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By Anonymous

Freaky.

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

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By deserted - France

Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards wouldn't let me back in. She went in anyway. FML

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By welp, time to become an assassin - United States - Rowlett

Today, I was playing a video game that required me to hunt a few animals. My mom walked in, saw what I was doing, then went into her psycho vegan mode and started yelling at me. She basically grounded me for "murdering" pixels on a screen. FML

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By fml - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Drafty - United States - Sylmar

Today, a stray dog came up to my living room window. My pitbull went into attack mode and tried to jump through said window, while it was closed. Now I have to pay to replace the window, and pay to get stitches for my idiot dog. FML

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By What did I do wrong? - United States - Manhattan

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By Shannon - United States - Dearborn

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 01:58 - United States

Evil eye doctor

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

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By RIPcareer - United States - Ellicott City

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

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By gibbette - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his buddies that the main reason he got into video game modding was so he could put a virtual version of me in his games and "shoot the fuck out of that bitch". FML

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Her revenge

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

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By hikingtospace - United States - Hilliard

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

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By idontmakethedresscode - United States - Napa

Today, my classmate went into rage mode and cursed at me, complaining how it's so unfair that I'm allowed to wear a hijab in class but she isn't allowed to wear a Flamingo hat. FML

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By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

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By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

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By theman

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

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By busybee - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By OrlandoZ6 - United States

Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML

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By Desertdryspell

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

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By jgw

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

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By gooddaydude - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my sons 3rd grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my 5th story window. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By Michael978

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

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By kukadaman - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By trackdaddy - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

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By 2.5-long-months - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

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Top comments

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3262597 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:59

I guess your mother understands you. But maybe you were drunk and told her lol

By marinus_fml | 19

#3262613 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Don't worry, she won't have a recollection in the morning either.

COMMENTS

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3262597 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:59

I guess your mother understands you. But maybe you were drunk and told her lol

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3263017 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:09

Did your dad and his boss walk in on her handcuffed to the bed recently?

Reply

amoscore | 5

#3263351 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:37

So the question is: do you really like handcuffs?

Reply

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3263357 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:41

Makes me think about that song parody "Love in these cuffs"

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3263671 - Friday 9 September 2011 20:02

41 yeah she does lol. For her name thingy she put down phsycic mother or something lol

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#3263938 - Friday 9 September 2011 21:13

Be thankful. Your boyfriend now knows what you like and will probably do it :P

Reply

lmfao_shame | 9

#3264160 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:23

Her mom must be talking about those toy handcuffs she enjoyed playing with when she was a young'n.

Reply

farhil | 14

#3274156 - Sunday 11 September 2011 22:44

You gave your phone to your drunk mother to answer your boyfriend's call? That's an automatic YDI

By SimmoRocks | 1

#3262612 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:00

lol eww

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3264199 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:34

Are you a dude or a chick?

Reply

lexiale | 10

#5925211 - Friday 25 April 2014 2:42

I love comments like these

By marinus_fml | 19

#3262613 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Don't worry, she won't have a recollection in the morning either.

Reply

badactor009 | 0

#3262943 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:54

Wrong

Reply

dmw25 | 0

#3263070 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:19

Yeah lets state the obvious dude....

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3263227 - Friday 9 September 2011 18:06

And people say Americans are dumb?

Reply

Rachel247 | 0

#3263499 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:17

yeah but OPs boyfriend will

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3268907 - Saturday 10 September 2011 21:13

I remember everything the next day after getting drunk except when I've had enough to pass out, not saying OP's mum is the same but you can't always assume she won't remember either

By loserman67 | 35

#3262621 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

Sounds to me like your mother is scouting out a potential "fuck-buddy".

Reply

lmfaoooooooooo | 4

#3264741 - Saturday 10 September 2011 2:24

So your not denying that you like handcuffs?

By RecklessJellyBea | 7

#3262625 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:01

She's trying to live out her sexual fantasies through you. Like.. a threesome.

By DeathMaple | 3

#3262628 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:02

Haha... Kinky

By davidisbeast | 12

#3262632 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:02

Haha YDI for giving your drunk mom the phone instead of waiting till you got home

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3263130 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:37

True.

By techweed | 12

#3262637 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:03

Kick the shit out of her when she's sober. Ahh domestic violence always make me laugh... *sarcastic*

Reply

amadais | 1

#3262705 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:09

Ah, your comment didnt

Reply

aligiorav | 11

#3262888 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:40

Ah stating the intention of your comment is always so much better than just wording it in a way which reveals your underlying intention...

Reply

flockz | 19

#3263684 - Friday 9 September 2011 20:07

Ahhh i just jizzed.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3264388 - Friday 9 September 2011 23:48

Ah, flockz jizz is on my chin

By example947 | 0

#3262658 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:05

Everyone likes handcuffs!

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3263132 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:39

Except for criminals and hostages.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3264334 - Friday 9 September 2011 23:30

Unless that particular hostage / criminal has a fetish for them.

By Senior29 | 8

#3262666 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:05

she proly xpected it 2 be in ur genes ;)