Work: Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded...

By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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Work

Pay up

Decisions, decisions

Smooth criminal

By Carnage23 - Germany - Herborn

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By frame - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

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By imgonnadie - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I'm staying with my grandma and her older sister while my parents are away. It's been two hours and so far they've popped vicodins, talked about banging Alex Trebek, and had a farting contest. FML

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By facepalm - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML

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29044

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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By Mirroronthewall - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly lean in towards the mirror to pop the pimple meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

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By Anonymous

Love is…

Today, I went to a job interview. At the end of it, after I had got the job, my new manager said, “See you soon.” I then accidentally replied, “You too, love you.” FML

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By Mac - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

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By Bob smith - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

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By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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4757

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By lumacsp - United States

Today, I stopped at the light when someone crashed on to my motorcycle making me fall. The guy claimed it was my fault because I stopped too fast. I got really mad, so I attempted to spit on his face and was ready to start a fight when I noticed that I forgot to lift the helmet shield. FML

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By BadBribe - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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By - Moved Across the Country - United States

Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML

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32496

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

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By haha - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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36387

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By Misunderstood - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

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36885

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By blotchy-girl - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I actually slipped on a banana peel, cartoon-style, breaking my kneecap and dislocating my hip. I will never hear the end of this. FML

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By Screwed - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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59029

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By pixiebubz - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

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By skyllabeauty1234 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

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By NoNotCats =^._.^= - United States - Mesa

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

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By nothealthy - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

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19881

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By leaf hater - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

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26875

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Poolfool

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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2659

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By Hunter

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

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13695

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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29053

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By Googleit - Canada

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I was bored so I started to doodle on MS paint. My boss walks by and asks me to join him in his office. When I do so, he fires me for drawing offensive material. I drew a rainbow. FML

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By FlyingWhisps - United States

Today, my grandparents came to visit. So far, they have called me fat, bragged about how my cousin is better than me, and told me how I'm not good enough for them. It's okay, though, they gave me a pretzel from the airline and a textbook on physics. In another language. FML

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31669

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By fuckjuggalos - United States - Eugene

Ouch

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

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By FlyAwayPlease - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

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24131

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

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By carla - France

Odorama

Today, as I came out of some changing rooms in a clothes shop, I gave back all the stuff I'd tried on to a saleswoman. I then walk off, make it about a couple of yards, change my mind and decide to purchase one of the items I'd tried. When I get back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I'd used with deodorant. FML

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By Crossy - Australia

Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML

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By ... - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I talked about our past relationships. He said he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was "too smart" for him, and that he felt better being with someone who "doesn't have too many lights on upstairs, if you know what I mean." FML

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Top comments

By HomeAl0ne | 20

#3235805 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:06

And even better practice for when you try to escape from one?

By perdix | 29

#3235876 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Tell her you plan to bury your victims well enough that they'll never be found, and you won't go to prison.

Ask her to lay down in your hole to see if she fits.

COMMENTS

By damnalltheasshol | 0

#3235791 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:05

1st

By HomeAl0ne | 20

#3235805 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:06

And even better practice for when you try to escape from one?

tj4234 | 35

#3235815 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:07

gotta learn somehow.

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3235997 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:21

...or for avoiding going to jail after whacking somebody.

margie2194 | 12

#3236014 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:24

She's preparing you for the future. What an excellent mother.

stewpididiot | 11

#3236254 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:58

Im lovin OPs Moms sense of humor & irony......Not much gets by you, does it, # 3 ?

DJR_fml | 2

#3236325 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:07

#34 You couldn't have picked a better name for yourself.

ObeseKitten | 0

#3237136 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:44

3. Your picture should be the response to this FML.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3237704 - Monday 5 September 2011 5:30

Edit: Nevermind, I didn't read into the FML enough, forget I made a comment

By otb113 | 7

#3235824 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:07

Dont. Drop. Soap.

MrSassypants | 32

#3236065 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:31

I won't but I'll still bend over. ;)

Mysanitywins | 10

#3236513 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:34

That's hot 23.

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3236702 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:06

That's hot 47.

Blazingcrono | 6

#3237050 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:25

Hotness Muslim*

Fixed it for you.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3237362 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:29

That's hot 58.

thisbitchdani | 3

#3237385 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:34

That's damn sexy, 87.

irokyoursox | 6

#3237483 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:47

I'm hot.

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3237787 - Monday 5 September 2011 5:44

You turn me on 88.

ItsTheKing | 10

#3238178 - Monday 5 September 2011 7:15

Your exciting me 99.

baconftw | 9

#3238381 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:14

I'm getting off to all of you.

ItsTheKing | 10

#3238432 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:24

How long do you think it will take sirin to find this and smash us to moderated hell?

Insane_Tea | 15

#3238481 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:39

I dunno. But in the meantime. hehe ;)

By pulkit10 | 3

#3235827 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

Be happy, she knows you well.

By flapjacklux | 8

#3235829 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

I hope you change the way she sees you.

animalover721 | 3

#3237950 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:17

Either ur mom just doesn't believe in u, or you are truly a lawbreaker. Ummm good luck op :P

By melchibr_fml | 0

#3235834 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

you might want to practice butt secks as well. I heard prisons are into that kind of stuff.

ergg123 | 3

#3237234 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:04

Work on your spelling champ

LexBvl | 4

#3239647 - Monday 5 September 2011 14:45

I don't understand why people get so anal about things...

U see wut u did thur?!

Sgt_Minty | 0

#3242346 - Monday 5 September 2011 22:27

Did someone say...butt secks :)??!!?!!!

brownsugarbear | 1

#3242354 - Monday 5 September 2011 22:30

secks? no dear, sex.

By ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3235840 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:09

Rules for prison:
1. Don't drop the soap.
2. Don't make eye contact, especially in the shower or mess hall.
3. Don't speak unless spoken to.

MrSassypants | 32

#3236159 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:44

If everyone followed rule #3 it would be pretty quite.

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3236525 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:35

or 2 under certain cercumstances

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3236722 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:13

Tie a string to the soap and you solved problem one. ?

intothecrypt | 3

#3237929 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:11

Go try to try something to a wet bar of soap and if it doesn't work, you know the consequences.

intothecrypt | 3

#3237935 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:13

try to tie*, not try to try. Sorry.

By Medcanyon | 10

#3235875 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

She just wants you to practice when u are going to escape

btnhdude | 0

#3236756 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:23

Tech N9ne is the shit.

onelastime | 0

#3237192 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:54

#2 already said that. Plus, their wording is better

TheCylonmaster | 3

#3237452 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:44

No shit Shurelock

By perdix | 29

#3235876 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Tell her you plan to bury your victims well enough that they'll never be found, and you won't go to prison.

Ask her to lay down in your hole to see if she fits.

Sweej | 1

#3236405 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:19

That's weird... Just last night your girlfriend asked my to lay down my cock in her hole and see if it fits... It did, and we went all night long. Wrecked.