Work: Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded...

By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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Work

Our house, in the middle of our street

Night terrors

I'm a mess

By beachbumb8538 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

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31650

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By bun593 - United States

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

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25181

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By blondie101 - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

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13893

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By Anonymous - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

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26947

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By Noname - United States

Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ends the conversation with "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "Thats great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML

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By WAPmeBaby - 25/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Anthony Fantano over here

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

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1275

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Today, I went on a date for the first time in ages, only to realize that the guy I was seeing chose to take us to a restaurant to stalk his ex. FML

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2203

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133

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By automaticfail_00 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

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57912

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By NVP - United States

Today, I told my 10 year old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML

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26400

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3785

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By Maria - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

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36715

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By WishIWasAWriter - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML

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27290

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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9062

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By secretdoll - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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By Shut up loser!

Not her fault neither mine

Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

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4400

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By fmmmmlll - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33375

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By meantowheels - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52216

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By Nutty - United States

Shush

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

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31544

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By BilletsDoudous - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

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By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Not a good look

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

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1102

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get to class at 9:00 to take a test. I woke up at 6:00, and figured I could wait a few minutes before getting ready. The next thing I knew, it was 10:30. FML

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24063

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By lobotomized - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

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44575

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By WTF - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML

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29693

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By xBubbles38 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By Stupid - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

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38073

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at a family gathering, it emerged that my now ex-fiancé has been sleeping with his brother's girlfriend for some time now. A fight broke out, the police were called, and more than one of his relatives are blaming me for him cheating with her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

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46134

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By wow @ creepy fuckers - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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2596

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By dumbass - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

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46663

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By TooTallNiCo - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By Facepalmum - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML

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33494

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By sluttydancer - United States

Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

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By Failed Artist - United States - Des Moines

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

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21879

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By fml - Canada

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML

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27729

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By Cookie_monster - Canada - Toronto

Today, getting ready to go out, I turned on my straightener. After 5 minutes, I start straightening one big strand when I realize I'm smelting plastic into my hair. Turns out I'd left it on a plastic box. Of course, plastic never comes out, so I had to cut it out. FML

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4164

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By Unlucky - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

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By fun_gal

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

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Top comments

By HomeAl0ne | 20

#3235805 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:06

And even better practice for when you try to escape from one?

By perdix | 29

#3235876 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Tell her you plan to bury your victims well enough that they'll never be found, and you won't go to prison.

Ask her to lay down in your hole to see if she fits.

COMMENTS

By damnalltheasshol | 0

#3235791 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:05

1st

By HomeAl0ne | 20

#3235805 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:06

And even better practice for when you try to escape from one?

tj4234 | 35

#3235815 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:07

gotta learn somehow.

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3235997 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:21

...or for avoiding going to jail after whacking somebody.

margie2194 | 12

#3236014 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:24

She's preparing you for the future. What an excellent mother.

stewpididiot | 11

#3236254 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:58

Im lovin OPs Moms sense of humor & irony......Not much gets by you, does it, # 3 ?

DJR_fml | 2

#3236325 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:07

#34 You couldn't have picked a better name for yourself.

ObeseKitten | 0

#3237136 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:44

3. Your picture should be the response to this FML.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3237704 - Monday 5 September 2011 5:30

Edit: Nevermind, I didn't read into the FML enough, forget I made a comment

By otb113 | 7

#3235824 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:07

Dont. Drop. Soap.

MrSassypants | 32

#3236065 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:31

I won't but I'll still bend over. ;)

Mysanitywins | 10

#3236513 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:34

That's hot 23.

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3236702 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:06

That's hot 47.

Blazingcrono | 6

#3237050 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:25

Hotness Muslim*

Fixed it for you.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3237362 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:29

That's hot 58.

thisbitchdani | 3

#3237385 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:34

That's damn sexy, 87.

irokyoursox | 6

#3237483 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:47

I'm hot.

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3237787 - Monday 5 September 2011 5:44

You turn me on 88.

ItsTheKing | 10

#3238178 - Monday 5 September 2011 7:15

Your exciting me 99.

baconftw | 9

#3238381 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:14

I'm getting off to all of you.

ItsTheKing | 10

#3238432 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:24

How long do you think it will take sirin to find this and smash us to moderated hell?

Insane_Tea | 15

#3238481 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:39

I dunno. But in the meantime. hehe ;)

By pulkit10 | 3

#3235827 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

Be happy, she knows you well.

By flapjacklux | 8

#3235829 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

I hope you change the way she sees you.

animalover721 | 3

#3237950 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:17

Either ur mom just doesn't believe in u, or you are truly a lawbreaker. Ummm good luck op :P

By melchibr_fml | 0

#3235834 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

you might want to practice butt secks as well. I heard prisons are into that kind of stuff.

ergg123 | 3

#3237234 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:04

Work on your spelling champ

LexBvl | 4

#3239647 - Monday 5 September 2011 14:45

I don't understand why people get so anal about things...

U see wut u did thur?!

Sgt_Minty | 0

#3242346 - Monday 5 September 2011 22:27

Did someone say...butt secks :)??!!?!!!

brownsugarbear | 1

#3242354 - Monday 5 September 2011 22:30

secks? no dear, sex.

By ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3235840 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:09

Rules for prison:
1. Don't drop the soap.
2. Don't make eye contact, especially in the shower or mess hall.
3. Don't speak unless spoken to.

MrSassypants | 32

#3236159 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:44

If everyone followed rule #3 it would be pretty quite.

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3236525 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:35

or 2 under certain cercumstances

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3236722 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:13

Tie a string to the soap and you solved problem one. ?

intothecrypt | 3

#3237929 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:11

Go try to try something to a wet bar of soap and if it doesn't work, you know the consequences.

intothecrypt | 3

#3237935 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:13

try to tie*, not try to try. Sorry.

By Medcanyon | 10

#3235875 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

She just wants you to practice when u are going to escape

btnhdude | 0

#3236756 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:23

Tech N9ne is the shit.

onelastime | 0

#3237192 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:54

#2 already said that. Plus, their wording is better

TheCylonmaster | 3

#3237452 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:44

No shit Shurelock

By perdix | 29

#3235876 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Tell her you plan to bury your victims well enough that they'll never be found, and you won't go to prison.

Ask her to lay down in your hole to see if she fits.

Sweej | 1

#3236405 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:19

That's weird... Just last night your girlfriend asked my to lay down my cock in her hole and see if it fits... It did, and we went all night long. Wrecked.