Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded...

By mike - 4/9/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29050

You deserved it

4499

Favorite

Work

DINOSAURS!!

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Abuse

By notsurprised - 1/8/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37365

You deserved it

3137

Favorite

By Tori - 16/2/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32214

You deserved it

4993

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 16:06 - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23349

You deserved it

1409

Favorite

By Thanks Trump - 8/3/2016 22:31 - United States - New York

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18201

You deserved it

1528

Favorite

By engaged - 29/3/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

113847

You deserved it

24164

Favorite

By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39109

You deserved it

3704

Favorite

By oops. - 22/12/2018 16:00

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2037

You deserved it

329

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 16:40 - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66261

You deserved it

6601

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/8/2011 17:06 - Canada

Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38081

You deserved it

2517

Favorite

By dca101 - 20/3/2013 02:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me because our "political views don't match" when I told her we needed to share house chores now that we live together. I know, I'm lost too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36390

You deserved it

2912

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61923

You deserved it

8057

Favorite

By DearLord - 3/4/2020 23:00 - Canada

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1841

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 19:07 - United States

Today, I was walking home from the store when I saw my uncle. I went over and gave him a surprise hug. He grabbed my ass. He wasn't really my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45493

You deserved it

21064

Favorite

By goodstudent - 9/8/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44542

You deserved it

4633

Favorite

By Justmyluck - 21/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2471

You deserved it

150

Favorite

By cjbutterfly96 - 17/12/2015 15:54 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23344

You deserved it

2250

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

I agree, your life sucks

24388

You deserved it

3364

Favorite

By GreaseNose - 25/9/2019 14:00

Shorty-Greasy Spot-Spot

Today, while studying with the girl I like, I rested my face on my book, pretending to be frustrated. When I lifted my head, I realized I'd left a greasy spot on the page from my nose. She noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1183

You deserved it

498

Favorite

By emily - 30/7/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43925

You deserved it

4293

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 00:17 - United Kingdom - Canterbury

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34965

You deserved it

10307

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/5/2018 07:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3624

You deserved it

400

Favorite

By imnotTHATlonely - 18/5/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, two of my cousins sat me down and said they wanted to give me an early Birthday present. With straight faces, they look at me and say: "we signed you up for eHarmony, and paid for 12 months." Not only do my cousins think I need help finding a boyfriend, but they think it take a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53113

You deserved it

5755

Favorite

By fuckina - 29/11/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6861

You deserved it

49328

Favorite

By bras r expensive ppl - 27/1/2017 16:00

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6062

You deserved it

695

Favorite

By stickers - 13/5/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was going through my moms closet. On one of the shelves, I found two baby books. One was mine, the other was one for a dog she owned before I was born. I looked through them both. The dog's baby book was filled out more than mine was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49478

You deserved it

4199

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 01:03 - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35567

You deserved it

5026

Favorite

By Davios - 24/9/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36015

You deserved it

2337

Favorite

By worstwaytodumpagirl - 28/12/2013 22:34 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my boyfriend bought me a pair of jeans. I couldn't fit into them, and he reacted to this by saying I've gotten too fat for him, and he can't be with me anymore. I took them off and saw they were a size 4. I've been a size 8 for the past 2 years, and he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46852

You deserved it

3535

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 15:21 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57117

You deserved it

6789

Favorite

By Brinty - 24/10/2009 04:26 - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36322

You deserved it

3550

Favorite

By theskippster - 30/5/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19971

You deserved it

65571

Favorite

By smellyhand - 16/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, it looked like rain so I held out my hand to catch a raindrop. When I finally caught one, I closed my hand over it and ran to show my friends to prove it was raining. I opened my hand saying, "Look! It's raining!" When I looked down, I saw that I had actually caught a bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12745

You deserved it

33914

Favorite

By fishruinsex - 8/12/2010 08:46

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34210

You deserved it

5971

Favorite

By "deerling" - 18/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1836

You deserved it

294

Favorite

By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1968

You deserved it

259

Favorite

By Jayanka - 3/5/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5015

You deserved it

572

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 11:49 - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68647

You deserved it

7514

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31971

You deserved it

3568

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 00:01

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

I agree, your life sucks

510

You deserved it

3005

Favorite

By abygalee - 10/7/2016 20:42 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom hadn't talked to me for 5 days, so worried sick I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11871

You deserved it

689

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By HomeAl0ne | 20

#3235805 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:06

And even better practice for when you try to escape from one?

By perdix | 29

#3235876 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Tell her you plan to bury your victims well enough that they'll never be found, and you won't go to prison.

Ask her to lay down in your hole to see if she fits.

COMMENTS

By damnalltheasshol | 0

#3235791 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:05

1st

By HomeAl0ne | 20

#3235805 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:06

And even better practice for when you try to escape from one?

tj4234 | 35

#3235815 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:07

gotta learn somehow.

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3235997 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:21

...or for avoiding going to jail after whacking somebody.

margie2194 | 12

#3236014 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:24

She's preparing you for the future. What an excellent mother.

stewpididiot | 11

#3236254 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:58

Im lovin OPs Moms sense of humor & irony......Not much gets by you, does it, # 3 ?

DJR_fml | 2

#3236325 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:07

#34 You couldn't have picked a better name for yourself.

ObeseKitten | 0

#3237136 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:44

3. Your picture should be the response to this FML.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3237704 - Monday 5 September 2011 5:30

Edit: Nevermind, I didn't read into the FML enough, forget I made a comment

By otb113 | 7

#3235824 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:07

Dont. Drop. Soap.

MrSassypants | 32

#3236065 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:31

I won't but I'll still bend over. ;)

Mysanitywins | 10

#3236513 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:34

That's hot 23.

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3236702 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:06

That's hot 47.

Blazingcrono | 6

#3237050 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:25

Hotness Muslim*

Fixed it for you.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3237362 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:29

That's hot 58.

thisbitchdani | 3

#3237385 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:34

That's damn sexy, 87.

irokyoursox | 6

#3237483 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:47

I'm hot.

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3237787 - Monday 5 September 2011 5:44

You turn me on 88.

ItsTheKing | 10

#3238178 - Monday 5 September 2011 7:15

Your exciting me 99.

baconftw | 9

#3238381 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:14

I'm getting off to all of you.

ItsTheKing | 10

#3238432 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:24

How long do you think it will take sirin to find this and smash us to moderated hell?

Insane_Tea | 15

#3238481 - Monday 5 September 2011 8:39

I dunno. But in the meantime. hehe ;)

By pulkit10 | 3

#3235827 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

Be happy, she knows you well.

By flapjacklux | 8

#3235829 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

I hope you change the way she sees you.

animalover721 | 3

#3237950 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:17

Either ur mom just doesn't believe in u, or you are truly a lawbreaker. Ummm good luck op :P

By melchibr_fml | 0

#3235834 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:08

you might want to practice butt secks as well. I heard prisons are into that kind of stuff.

ergg123 | 3

#3237234 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:04

Work on your spelling champ

LexBvl | 4

#3239647 - Monday 5 September 2011 14:45

I don't understand why people get so anal about things...

U see wut u did thur?!

Sgt_Minty | 0

#3242346 - Monday 5 September 2011 22:27

Did someone say...butt secks :)??!!?!!!

brownsugarbear | 1

#3242354 - Monday 5 September 2011 22:30

secks? no dear, sex.

By ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3235840 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:09

Rules for prison:
1. Don't drop the soap.
2. Don't make eye contact, especially in the shower or mess hall.
3. Don't speak unless spoken to.

MrSassypants | 32

#3236159 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:44

If everyone followed rule #3 it would be pretty quite.

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3236525 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:35

or 2 under certain cercumstances

HomelessMuslim | 0

#3236722 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:13

Tie a string to the soap and you solved problem one. ?

intothecrypt | 3

#3237929 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:11

Go try to try something to a wet bar of soap and if it doesn't work, you know the consequences.

intothecrypt | 3

#3237935 - Monday 5 September 2011 6:13

try to tie*, not try to try. Sorry.

By Medcanyon | 10

#3235875 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

She just wants you to practice when u are going to escape

btnhdude | 0

#3236756 - Monday 5 September 2011 2:23

Tech N9ne is the shit.

onelastime | 0

#3237192 - Monday 5 September 2011 3:54

#2 already said that. Plus, their wording is better

TheCylonmaster | 3

#3237452 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:44

No shit Shurelock

By perdix | 29

#3235876 - Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Tell her you plan to bury your victims well enough that they'll never be found, and you won't go to prison.

Ask her to lay down in your hole to see if she fits.

Sweej | 1

#3236405 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:19

That's weird... Just last night your girlfriend asked my to lay down my cock in her hole and see if it fits... It did, and we went all night long. Wrecked.