Health: Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 37

22/03/2009 18:43

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 755

You deserved it 81 812

Stop talking!

Empathy lives

Addams Family Values

18/01/2009 03:44

Today, I got demoted at my job. Instead of working with patients, they want me to file. The thing is, I'm a volunteer; I work for them for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 971

You deserved it 3 728

23/07/2009 06:13

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 003

You deserved it 10 146

25/08/2014 03:27

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 191

You deserved it 5 643

03/05/2011 19:51

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 200

You deserved it 34 366

21/11/2010 05:31

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 359

You deserved it 3 570

Cool story, tell it again

By GGimabeast - 29/07/2010 04:14

Spicy

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 244

You deserved it 12 369

02/02/2016 20:27

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 333

You deserved it 1 962

02/02/2016 03:48

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 884

You deserved it 7 007

27/09/2015 12:21

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 281

You deserved it 1 835

12/11/2013 23:56

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 217

You deserved it 3 256

25/05/2016 07:53

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 119

You deserved it 1 566

12/04/2009 22:40

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him he turns and says "not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146 117

You deserved it 11 212

06/03/2015 03:19

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 762

You deserved it 22 191

29/05/2009 13:15

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 810

You deserved it 4 536

10/08/2014 16:42

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 959

You deserved it 7 140

12/01/2014 17:28

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 636

You deserved it 3 708

Vibrate mode

By ChiefKoala - 27/01/2020 14:00

Today, my stomach growled so loudly in class that my professor told us to make sure our phones were silenced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 825

You deserved it 202

22/05/2012 10:35

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 284

You deserved it 6 578

11/02/2009 16:51

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 958

You deserved it 8 927

24/07/2015 14:02

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 898

You deserved it 1 831

30/06/2011 17:44

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 315

You deserved it 5 390

15/08/2011 05:45

Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 320

You deserved it 22 859

Pay up

By redheadmess - 20/07/2020 02:01

Today, my grandfather sent me a bill from when I had to live with him in foster care. I apparently owe him 62k for shampoo, food, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 883

You deserved it 97

26/08/2011 23:32

Today, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and told me that if I wanted to join the Lingerie Football League, I would have his approval. His drunken friends nodded in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 040

You deserved it 3 218

OK Stephanie, whatever

By yankeebelle - 06/03/2009 00:15

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtly pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 688

You deserved it 3 496

15/04/2009 20:14

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 843

You deserved it 28 776

25/12/2011 17:06

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 291

You deserved it 29 301

09/10/2014 17:53

Today, as I was about to leave home for my first sweet taste of freedom at my new apartment, my car died. I'm stuck here for at least the weekend and can look forward to my mom driving me to work. Freedom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 136

You deserved it 2 895

The Cheek!

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 15:30

Spicy

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 247

You deserved it 4 355

17/02/2011 08:08

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 352

You deserved it 4 251

25/04/2011 13:07

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 760

You deserved it 4 594

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

By Anonymous - 13/02/2021 08:02

Spicy

Today, the eye doctor told me I only had 90% vision on my left eye, and asked if I wanted treatment. Not being terribly bothered by it, I asked what the treatment would consist of. "We'll stick a large needle in your eye, and pump in some medicine." I quickly wished him a pleasant day and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 156

06/08/2011 23:37

Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 286

You deserved it 3 906

07/08/2013 05:40

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 091

You deserved it 25 680

07/06/2012 07:47

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 991

You deserved it 7 671

19/04/2011 16:19

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 174

You deserved it 22 936

26/07/2009 18:39

Spicy

Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 952

You deserved it 6 742

08/10/2013 07:09

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 338

You deserved it 3 485

23/01/2014 12:53

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 569

You deserved it 16 409

13/07/2013 21:39

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 714

You deserved it 4 137

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:32

how did you manage to cut the back of your hand? were you using it as a cutting board?

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:37

wow, sorry but that's really a blond moment. and yeah, if you somehow managed to slice the BACK of your hand, maybe you shouldn't be using a knife...

Comments

kgb121 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:32

how did you manage to cut the back of your hand? were you using it as a cutting board?

Send a private message

Monday 1 March 2010 4:25

hahahahaha

Send a private message

Saturday 29 May 2010 20:39

ahahaha.

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 May 2011 16:23

use a serrated knife next time.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:35

Your stupid then... (lol)

Send a private message

Monday 4 October 2010 3:39

Stupid Stupid Stupid OP !!!! LOL !!!!

SourPatchTeen 20

Send a private message

Friday 1 January 2016 10:12

You realize that the proper form of "your" in this context is "you're", proving that you are, in fact, the stupid one, not the OP. Dipshit

FML_HelloItsMe 15

Send a private message

Saturday 4 June 2016 10:46

What about his stupid?

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:35

And this, my friend, is why you invest in the Bagel Buddy: http://www.ezeewrap.com/order/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=1&products_id=6&zenid=a026967dbe346b9b8244fb4722e6f06d

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:37

wow, sorry but that's really a blond moment. and yeah, if you somehow managed to slice the BACK of your hand, maybe you shouldn't be using a knife...

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:41

haha that's classic

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:42

I can see how you cut the back on your hand. you were holding the bagel horizontally, and you were cutting towards the hand holding the bagel, and i guess the bagel was really hard so as you were pressing hard, the knife slid on top of the bagel all the way to your other hand where it sliced the top. I dunno if my description is correct, or if all the others commenting can imagine it well, but I just felt like I needed to explain, cuz others just have no imagination.

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2013 22:44

I can see how a person would do this, but at the same time, that's precisely the opposite of how you're supposed to use a knife. If you're doing any sort of carving or slicing like this, you're supposed to slice away from your hand just to prevent that.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:44

I'm with #6, I could see that happening. But how do you not notice a bagel is pre-sliced?

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:46

maybe he was using his left hand to hold it down, who the hell cuts anything with their palms facing up? i sure as hell don't

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:47

way to go i guess

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:51

i sliced my thumb open once when i was cutting an english muffin, i was so embarrassed i hid it from my dad because he always lectured me on how sharp the knife was..