Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs... - FML

By n_london - 12/10/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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Don't shoot the messenger

Does it taste good?

Great boyfriend

By shadowfigure - 23/1/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By sa la vash - 14/3/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

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By Jusawkward - 1/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

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By fatty milkshakes - 29/1/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my roommate has been switching my protein powder with chocolate milk mix and brown sugar. Since I work out frequently, I've been consuming large amounts of this and have gained at least 10 pounds of fat. His reason? I turned his bookbag inside out. Once. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

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By Rebecca - 16/1/2012 00:36 - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

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By G - 8/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - 13/7/2013 17:33 - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

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By relievedbutashamed - 22/2/2019 20:00

Today, I left a coffee shop abruptly to go to my car to let out some really bad and loud gas. My window was partly open because it's broken. A stranger was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. He looked terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 23:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

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By nolongerengaged - 3/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 11:52 - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Hinesville

Unconditional support

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

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By cmoney6452 - 1/3/2012 16:17 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

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By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By Jesse - 20/3/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Randy - 13/9/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 21:23 - United States - Burlington

Today, during a date, I discovered that if I cough with my mouth closed, snot will spray from my nose all over the place like some kind of mucus cannon. FML

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By sociallyawkward - 19/5/2016 01:52 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I fistbumped a cashier as they tried to hand me my change. FML

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By cocacoola - 11/7/2011 14:24 - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

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By lee - 22/8/2010 07:24 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

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By doodlecrzyMeg - 4/2/2016 18:56 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

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By Kate - 23/12/2012 08:24 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML

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By Beth - 13/4/2012 14:12 - Australia - Perth

Today, my fiancé's mother tried to arrange a marriage for him to a nice Indian girl, again. We've been engaged for a year, and the wedding is in a month. FML

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By transfer - 3/6/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

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By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 10:57 - Singapore

Today, my co-worker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML

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By Sleepy - 4/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while lifeguarding, thinking I could get away with it due to my sunglasses. When I woke up, I saw my boss waving at me. Apparently she'd been trying to get my attention for five minutes. FML

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By littl3storm - 13/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 13:57 - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 02:46 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML

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By widow - 19/10/2010 22:58 - United States

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 22:04 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

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By Nola - 27/4/2017 12:00

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2014 01:27 - United States - Gournay-sur-marne

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

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Top comments

By noshitsherlock | 0

#618301 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:14

I love how many freakin IDIOTS on here flip out over shit before they know what it even is (like people swerving and crashing because of plastic bags in the road). GET YOUR EYES CHECKED or don't act like such a spineless WIMP. Geez

By YmostlikelyDI | 0

#618296 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:12

Why are people such pussies about rats and mice?! Grow a pair, it's a furry mammal.

Comments

By da_funk_masta | 0

#618263 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:04

second

By wutupbruh | 0

#618274 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:07

Predictable. Lets get some originiality up in here fmylife!

By kalen_fml | 0

#618277 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:08

haha, that sucks, i agree with number 1

Reply

stereopump | 0

#618419 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:14

Please. She deserved it for asking for paper!
If it were plastic would this have happened?

By brendalovee_ | 0

#618279 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:08

did you step on the "rat"? lol

By trapiadora | 0

#618281 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:08

That was not smart at all

By laughing_zebra | 0

#618291 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:11

Overreact did we?

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#618295 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:12

Aw rats are cute! No need to be afraid! I had a pet rat :)
Yeah yeah I know pet rats aren't the same but its not going to eat her or anything....

By YmostlikelyDI | 0

#618296 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:12

Why are people such pussies about rats and mice?! Grow a pair, it's a furry mammal.

Reply

GoldFishPony | 21

#6084877 - Thursday 9 October 2014 0:46

Spiders though

Reply

wolf_wizard1134 | 9

#7590008 - Tuesday 23 January 2018 22:00

yeah YmostlikelyDI, it's not like history has any occurance of rats carrying contagious, lethal diseases which could be transferred through a bite. the Bubonic plague was transferred through fleas on rats, or the virus for Lymphocytic choriomeningitis could be hidden in a rats saliva or urine, and having rabies isn't that bad get a few shots or be come violent, attack anything that moves and die from dehydration.
don't worry it was just a furry mammal

By noshitsherlock | 0

#618301 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:14

I love how many freakin IDIOTS on here flip out over shit before they know what it even is (like people swerving and crashing because of plastic bags in the road). GET YOUR EYES CHECKED or don't act like such a spineless WIMP. Geez

By besad_fml | 0

#618320 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:22

tell people it was a rat that magically turned into a leaf.