Miscellaneous: Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs... - FML

By n_london - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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Family values

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Deadbeat

By dog got ur phone

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

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By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By OhGodWhy - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML

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By FastTurtle9 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my pregnant sister has apparently always loved my boyfriend's name and wants to give it to her child. She expects me to break up with my boyfriend so "it doesn't get weird." FML

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By MahSquito - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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By Babyhazy - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

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By jruth7 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By gross - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

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By aaaaahhhh - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML

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By Stressed_Out_Student

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By harrysolo - United States

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

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By BillLumberg - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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By JC - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

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By sullry

Great solution

Today, I had a talk with my roommate that last semester my grades took a bit because he stays up late every night playing video games. And then asked him about playing less, so I can get more sleep. Today also, he gave me a pair of ear plugs and asked if they would solve the problem. FML

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By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By ohai ur hawt, wanna fuzzzZzZZzzZzz - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club, and we went back to my place. I was finally going to lose my virginity, but just as she started kissing me, I panicked and ended up fainting. When I came to, I was still clothed, and she was long gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

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By Danielle - United States

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rapid City

Today, I drove for hours to attend a martial arts tournament, and then I waited ages for it to finally start. I lost in less than a minute. FML

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By Kpotassium - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

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By Doesn't Matter Had Sex - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

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By dwood08 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

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By crazycutie1027 - United States

Today, I was crying after having argued with my boyfriend. My mom saw me, she asked "Why are you crying? Don't you have homework to do?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Akron

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML

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By Anonymous

All true, obviously

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By LeaveHimAlone - United States - Elkridge

Today, I have to take time off from work to take part in an intervention because my sister's obsession with the guy from Harry Potter has crossed over into illegality. FML

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By janie - 10/1/2021 17:01

Mind your own business

Today, I'm so skinny that I was told to, “Eat a burger.” While I was eating a burger. FML

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By SoClose - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By Anonymous

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

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By Nickki - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

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Top comments

By noshitsherlock | 0

#618301 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:14

I love how many freakin IDIOTS on here flip out over shit before they know what it even is (like people swerving and crashing because of plastic bags in the road). GET YOUR EYES CHECKED or don't act like such a spineless WIMP. Geez

By YmostlikelyDI | 0

#618296 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:12

Why are people such pussies about rats and mice?! Grow a pair, it's a furry mammal.

COMMENTS

By da_funk_masta | 0

#618263 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:04

second

By wutupbruh | 0

#618274 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:07

Predictable. Lets get some originiality up in here fmylife!

By kalen_fml | 0

#618277 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:08

haha, that sucks, i agree with number 1

Reply

stereopump | 0

#618419 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:14

Please. She deserved it for asking for paper!
If it were plastic would this have happened?

By brendalovee_ | 0

#618279 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:08

did you step on the "rat"? lol

By trapiadora | 0

#618281 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:08

That was not smart at all

By laughing_zebra | 0

#618291 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:11

Overreact did we?

By Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#618295 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:12

Aw rats are cute! No need to be afraid! I had a pet rat :)
Yeah yeah I know pet rats aren't the same but its not going to eat her or anything....

By YmostlikelyDI | 0

#618296 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:12

Why are people such pussies about rats and mice?! Grow a pair, it's a furry mammal.

Reply

GoldFishPony | 21

#6084877 - Thursday 9 October 2014 0:46

Spiders though

Reply

wolf_wizard1134 | 9

#7590008 - Tuesday 23 January 2018 22:00

yeah YmostlikelyDI, it's not like history has any occurance of rats carrying contagious, lethal diseases which could be transferred through a bite. the Bubonic plague was transferred through fleas on rats, or the virus for Lymphocytic choriomeningitis could be hidden in a rats saliva or urine, and having rabies isn't that bad get a few shots or be come violent, attack anything that moves and die from dehydration.
don't worry it was just a furry mammal

By noshitsherlock | 0

#618301 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:14

I love how many freakin IDIOTS on here flip out over shit before they know what it even is (like people swerving and crashing because of plastic bags in the road). GET YOUR EYES CHECKED or don't act like such a spineless WIMP. Geez

By besad_fml | 0

#618320 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:22

tell people it was a rat that magically turned into a leaf.