Kids: Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed...

By poo_shoe123 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

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Kids

Instadrama

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Fake News

By Anna

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

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By werewolfoflondon - Canada

Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

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By Rebecca - United States - Austin

Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML

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By snownerd - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

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By badteacher - United States

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By Wow - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was on the internet playing a game. I have a speech impediment, and the guy running it told me to get off his server for making fun of disabled people. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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By eirbear

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

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By raidered - United States

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

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By no_service - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 19:55

Fill her up

Today, I'm nearly done with my cortisol treatment for a persistent multi-day migraine. Good news: it actually stopped for the last two blissful, pain-free days. Bad news: apparently anything less than the maximum dose of cortisol doesn't prevent me from getting a new migraine. Here we go again. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

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By jazzterchic - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

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By Yum - France

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

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By jobless - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

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By Sick'o'bitches

Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

The Trifecta

Today, after blacking out from fever, I found out that the reason I've been feeling so sick is that I've somehow come down with pneumonia, strep, and the common cold all at the same time. FML

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By vertigoisarat - 23/2/2021 08:01 - United States

Who are you to judge?

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up a few things. After looking for condoms for 15 minutes, I asked the cashier where I could find them. She said they keep them behind the counter due to theft. She refused to sell them to me, because they're for customers who might actually need them. FML

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By shortiem - United States

Today, my dorm had a mandatory meeting about body image. I went to the meeting and left feeling all good about myself. As soon as I got back to my room, my favorite jeans ripped right across my butt. FML

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By fml - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

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By fire starter - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By Toolate - United States - Bristol

Today, I went to the surprise birthday party of an ex I still love, though I'm the one who ended things. I walked in in time to see her screaming "Yes" to her kneeling boyfriend, her parents crying and applauding, and her brothers patting him on the back. FML

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By Hotdamn - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML

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By xJade2012x - United States

Ouch

Today, in my karate dojo, I was being taught how to fall properly. My sensei instructed us not to fall with our hands out because it could sprain our wrists. As I was getting ready to help demonstrate a backwards break fall, I actually fell over. Guess where my hands went. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By HotCurry - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

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By Zoo

Today, I went to therapy. Previously, I had been given the task to write a list of things I hate about myself so my doctor could see what we needed to work on. I gave her the list, and she simply said, "Wow, I've never had someone give me such a long list." I had 55 items on the list. FML

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By addie - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By frankfukhergood - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

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By uhoh901 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By TedX - 19/8/2020 20:07

Denial

Today, at 18, I finally told my mom I was gay. She spent the rest of the day bringing up my "future wife" at every possible chance she had. FML

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By grrrr - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

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Top comments

By 13BlackCat | 2

#73837 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:44

why that is the first thing that came to his teacher's mind i don't know. my first thought was cop. i think the teacher has his or her mind in the gutter

By shorgenfunkel | 0

#73851 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:49

Go to the school in uniform.

COMMENTS

By 13BlackCat | 2

#73837 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:44

why that is the first thing that came to his teacher's mind i don't know. my first thought was cop. i think the teacher has his or her mind in the gutter

b182link | 0

#2550933 - Monday 23 May 2011 4:23

go up there in uniform, then when you take them off, put them in the holster. then start talking to your son about mommy in heaven. he'll feel bad

ahti546 | 11

#2943184 - Thursday 21 July 2011 6:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hobbsicle805 | 0

#3052374 - Saturday 6 August 2011 19:09

Not all cops dumbass

Palirose | 22

#3301519 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:19

Apparently my mind was in the gutter as well. Cuz hot sex came to my mind before "cop" lol

kittykat1501 | 31

#6571459 - Thursday 31 March 2016 17:57

223 how do you know of is a boy? Not rhetorical, I really wanna know, unless you assumed.

By CaptainPat | 0

#73838 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:44

a stripper cop?

Rawr100 | 0

#2691529 - Thursday 16 June 2011 3:21

lol totally

By meddude | 0

#73840 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:45

haha that's hilarious. the question remains: why did he handcuff himself to the desk?

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1391493 - Sunday 12 September 2010 7:05

Because he's 9.

By Frlf | 0

#73842 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:45

You should've locked her up for being insolent to the USA authority XD.

pinkalicious224 | 7

#4505211 - Thursday 31 May 2012 22:22

Lol that's what I said. Arrest the teacher.

By mgodson07 | 0

#73843 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:46

i thought sex toy at first too lol

shezzamezza | 0

#1038057 - Monday 21 June 2010 12:39

seriously man, no need to be racist :P

Silenthunter | 0

#2331902 - Monday 11 April 2011 22:07

I laughed

chuksnwali | 34

#5975278 - Saturday 14 June 2014 15:16

me too

By Amkii | 0

#73844 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:46

Hahaha nice. Bet the teacher will be pretty embarrassed when you tell her you're a police officer.

By PureGold | 0

#73845 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:47

hahaha, couldn't she tell they were real cuffs? That's hilarious though xD

By 5ive | 0

#73849 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:47

So was it a sex toy or were they real handcuffs?

SonOfAMitch | 14

#4711454 - Friday 20 July 2012 7:13

It was a unicorn-shaped burrito.

By shorgenfunkel | 0

#73851 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:49

Go to the school in uniform.

VampireKiller59 | 0

#990867 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 16:43

agreed

jonan1212 | 5

#1442835 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 22:24

thats exactly what i was thinking

By neonoodle | 0

#73852 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 2:49

if you're a cop, then why do those handcuffs have a fur coating?

m311 | 6

#1640470 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 17:32

lol

warsun | 27

#5874025 - Monday 3 March 2014 8:14

Well because they need to be comfy to