Miscellaneous: Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit,...

By 30000 - 02/01/2015 03:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 047

You deserved it 12 884

Miscellaneous

Baby you can't drive my car

Serfs

Innocence project

By Jay - 04/11/2017 04:00

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 226

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 22:05 - United States - Shelby

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 760

You deserved it 11 816

By dumpedattheclub - 28/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 879

You deserved it 7 242

By Cantunsee - 26/08/2018 06:00

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 005

You deserved it 402

By themonkeyman - 23/12/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I started my job as a waiter. I was excited when my first customer paid for the bill. I go over to the table, half-expecting a tip. I got to the table and no money was on the table. On the bottom receipt was written: "Ever heard of deodorant?" Apparently I smell bad. Thanks for the tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 187

You deserved it 29 458

By Anonymous - 04/11/2014 19:08 - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 383

You deserved it 7 562

By mike4444 - 12/02/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 623

You deserved it 30 409

The Headmaster Ritual

By angry mama - 21/09/2019 00:01

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 682

You deserved it 98

Check your head

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 20:00

Today, I had a real coffee again after being sick for two weeks. It didn't taste so good, though. Just like the one I had yesterday. Well, I thought, maybe my taste has changed? Maybe I just need to get used to it again? No, it was just that the milk had gone bad three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 845

By Anonymous - 25/11/2014 20:15 - United States

Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 854

You deserved it 3 107

By reisz618 - 31/05/2019 07:00

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 555

By Anonymous - 14/04/2015 01:50 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 293

You deserved it 2 297

By Whoopsie - 30/06/2014 19:51 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 733

You deserved it 11 084

By Zak - 03/04/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 638

You deserved it 91 654

Bad timing

By pizzaface - 05/06/2021 10:59

Today, I learned that the one face cleaner that actually works for me is no longer being made. I just ran out of the last of my supply last night, and I woke up to find my face completely covered in zits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 90

By Anonymous - 25/12/2015 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 937

You deserved it 1 413

By o_O - 23/06/2013 17:26 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 188

You deserved it 4 123

By Anonymous - 06/09/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 435

You deserved it 7 715

By fuckalltwitardsintheface - 20/09/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 495

You deserved it 1 691

By Tickdick - 24/03/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 259

You deserved it 536

On a scale of 1 to Annoying…

By Anonymous - 19/01/2021 02:01

Today, I was telling my friend how much I love my 20-year-old kitchen scale, because it has this one handy function that even new ones don’t have. Later, my mom melted it on the stove and isn’t even convinced she should buy me a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 61

Is that even legal?

By Monkeys aren't pets - 07/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 78

By Anonymous - 28/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 156

You deserved it 3 577

By Purple - 06/11/2014 01:12 - United States - Fremont

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 315

You deserved it 2 911

No kink shaming

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 08:01 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out the real reason for my parents' divorce. Not because they had grown apart as they claimed, but because my dad was sleeping with hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 67

By fhe - 16/04/2012 15:52 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 580

You deserved it 2 668

By Anonymous - 29/03/2015 19:54 - United States - Wheaton

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 2 513

By Rae - 02/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 210

You deserved it 2 793

By knifewow - 20/10/2016 08:30 - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 395

You deserved it 13 342

By anon - 21/06/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 774

You deserved it 7 250

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 984

You deserved it 7 985

By bundie - 28/12/2008 07:02 - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 394

You deserved it 5 090

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 817

You deserved it 5 136

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 19:05 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 231

You deserved it 11 960

By LoveBytes - 27/03/2012 21:29 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 654

You deserved it 44 010

By TheBeastSwaq - 31/12/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 744

You deserved it 2 613

By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 291

You deserved it 16 895

Some things never change…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband, half-naked, and yelling at the TV screen while watching a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 975

You deserved it 2 918

By kay51 - 24/11/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 754

You deserved it 27 370

By Biggest Jerk - 14/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 778

You deserved it 38 436

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Top comments

Jasim 17

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:09

Let's hope you focus more when you poop. :)

elljoy 10

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Friday 2 January 2015 14:59

Still drunk from NYE? ;)

elljoy 10

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Friday 2 January 2015 14:59

Still drunk from NYE? ;)

Greenteamextreme 16

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:00

I put toothpaste on my hairbrush once.... that was not a good morning.

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:19

At least your hair was minty fresh.

TwoXMike 14

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:07

Well you should have swallowed :)

Jasim 17

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:09

Let's hope you focus more when you poop. :)

iSativa 24

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:09

That moment when you put cereal in the fridge and milk in the cabinet.

joeblow6969 5

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Friday 2 January 2015 18:19

lol I've done that a few times.

Cely988 29

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Friday 2 January 2015 19:31

I can relate to this too xD

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 2 January 2015 21:41

Yep, that's me too, lol

carllyo 19

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Friday 2 January 2015 23:23

Same here...

MrConcise 34

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:10

I know the economy is bad, but most people wouldn't blame you for using new toothpaste each day.

FroggerForReal 11

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:10

we all do that with other things

flufee2 27

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Friday 2 January 2015 15:33

This is why people should swallow... Wink wink

royal_ranger 12

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Friday 2 January 2015 16:09

*slowly claps* ....hilarious...

milehigh52 22

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:57

Oh so you are "that guy". Please don't comment if that is the best your unoriginal mind can think of. Seriously I've heard knock knock jokes funnier than your comment.