Miscellaneous: Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in.... - FML

By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Great boyfriend, part 2

By Poly24 - France - La Courneuve

Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML

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By fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc - Denmark - Herning

Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

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By lobotomized - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

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By Dexter_39476 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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By Gioia - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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By siannacasey - United States

Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML

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By shitberries - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

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By tickle spunk - United States

Today, I came home and told my mom that I got the lead in the school musical, which I was very happy about. She pulled me into a hug then said, "But you know you can't really sing, right?" FML

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By Hurtingincanada

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my walk of shame may have been caught by the Google car. FML

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By damnit - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By CreepedOut - United States

Run away time!

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Smurf mouth

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By failure - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

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By SnapeIsGood - Germany - Kornwestheim

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

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By momlife - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 05:06

Uninvolved

Today, I woke up to the only home I've ever known in 32 years being burned to ash by a wildfire with everything we own inside, barely getting me and my dogs out alive. My boyfriend of 3 years promised me we would work through this together, no matter what it took, only to completely ghost me a few hours later. FML

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By longlostkid556 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

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By Whoops

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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By Wanted - United Kingdom - Salford

Today, I got a letter summoning me to court for leaving the scene of a car accident I had in London. I live in Manchester and don't own a car. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain

Ouch

Today, my girlfriend's "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting and cold-sweating while pissing acidic blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By richgirl - United States

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

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By easilyexited - United States

Today, we were swimming in gym class. There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing their bikinis. I was looking at them when I got an erection but since I was underwater I thought no one would see. I'm on the diving team so my teacher asked me to demonstrate a dive to the class. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By cloud7

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

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By angry mama

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By authorsubmit - United States

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

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By BikerBuddy - France

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By unengaged - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

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By SouthPaw - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

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Top comments

By rg350dx | 29

#5578879 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

Three strokes and you're out.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5578878 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's right.

COMMENTS

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5578878 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's right.

Reply

AboveAll04 | 14

#5579047 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:30

when in doubt, rub one out ;)

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5579325 - Sunday 14 July 2013 5:35

He needs help on how to use tabs.

Reply

shan88 | 14

#5591197 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:20

76. This is now my new motto in life :)

By rg350dx | 29

#5578879 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

Three strokes and you're out.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578898 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:06

I'm sure one stroke is enough to take most people out

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5578951 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:43

@14 but hes a heavy hitter

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5578968 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:14

because three is so impressive...

Reply

DaniPandi | 22

#5578992 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:47

I can't tell if this was a masturbation pun or just a typo.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5579131 - Sunday 14 July 2013 2:08

I took it as a typo. It works either way. By 3 strokes I made a heart attack reference, and he made a typo in his baseball reference. Didn't think of the masturbation.

Reply

Likian5 | 26

#5579291 - Sunday 14 July 2013 4:52

#80 It was obvious he wrote "stroking," referring to masturbation... -_-

Reply

ajh557 | 22

#5579415 - Sunday 14 July 2013 7:32

Athleticism Everyone hates what you have to say, just look at the past FML's

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5579713 - Sunday 14 July 2013 13:52

Well I guess he told you^

By stvn2 | 8

#5578880 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

At least he wasn't angry about it

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5578905 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:09

I feel like this is a step past angry.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578912 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:12

18- I'm not so sure, a lot of parents are cool about masturbation and such.

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5578922 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:17

True, but the 'you need help' line makes me think its a concern/disappointment situation. Which in my opinion is past anger.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578961 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:58

26- I wouldn't automatically think of that due to how sarcastic my father and I are. I would assume that tone was in a joking manner, tho it was not displayed in the FML.

By swordidfate | 13

#5578882 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's probably right if ALL of your Internet tabs were porn

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5578955 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:55

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't some porn sites open a new tab advertising other porn stuff?

OP, learn from this. Close all extra random pop up tabs and have a website that is nothing to do with the subject to change to if it happens again. :)

Reply

BaraSkit07 | 12

#5578956 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:56

When I browse porn I don't always leave another tab open, why is that a problem? That's like saying that if you aren't watching tv while eating you aren't using your time to its fullest potential. Please...

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5578977 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:24

It's not a problem but it prevents something like this happening. That comparison is rather shit if I may add.

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5579008 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:59

Some sites you just click a picture, then it takes you to another site, do it again and it repeats. Before you know it you have 10 tabs of porn! Life.

Reply

Alan2 | 24

#5581412 - Monday 15 July 2013 16:26

I'm pretty sure having a non porn tab open on the screen isn't going to be enough to save you if you've already got your pants down

By Speibrand | 10

#5578883 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

You always need a plan before whacking off man

Reply

ILoveMyArm | 15

#5578960 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:57

I'm not sure if that was meant to rhyme, either way it's a catchy phrase.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578966 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:11

How's this rhyme?
If you're gonna jack off.

You better close the goddamn door!

Reply

xplicitkontent | 18

#5579010 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:00

I think someone needs to revisit elementary school. The last time I checked, plan and man rhyme.

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#5579034 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:26

Maybe you should check yo reading comprehension before pickin' on someone else. It says "How's this rhyme?" As in, the not-rhyme they posted after that. :|

Reply

Speibrand | 10

#5579064 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:36

Maybe if you took the time, you could have seen it was a rhyme.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5579361 - Sunday 14 July 2013 6:14

77- You're quite the poet, and I see you like to show it.

Reply

How_you_doin | 10

#5584480 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 8:45

@ Athleticisim: geezz people really hate you on this site!

By FroznInferno | 9

#5578884 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

I hope you don't have any weird fetishes, for your dads sake..

Reply

MrBoredomioo | 18

#5598557 - Friday 26 July 2013 8:29

ya that wud suk

Reply

KissMyAnthia200 | 12

#5906425 - Sunday 6 April 2014 6:08

Yiff porn.Unfortunately,I knew I was a furry when I was 9.

By cyanidesandwich | 21

#5578885 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

Alt - f4 then enter will prevent this from happening again

By Pwn17 | 25

#5578888 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

Wouldn't it be a better option to just close the browser?

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5578907 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:09

Didn't see your comment there when I posted. My sincere apologies. *tips hat*

Reply

Pwn17 | 25

#5578915 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:15

Don't worry about it. *bows*

Reply

thepunman | 11

#5578945 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:29

And that ladies and gentlemen is the politest conversation in the world.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5578990 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:45

Nothing says I wasn't looking at porn more than awkwardly staring at your desktop after you've closed the browser.

Reply

Ellisonjulian | 4

#5579253 - Sunday 14 July 2013 4:17

Canadians

By subwaysurfers | 13

#5578891 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:05

Did closing the page not occur to you? And you should always have something like Facebook or Google open when watching porn to switch to that.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5578996 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:48

I always have my Facebook open when I browse porn so I can hit that share on Facebook button underneath the video I'm watching. It beats going through the hassle of logging on every time I want to share what I'm jerkin' it to.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5578892 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:05

Your username. Rightttttt, you meant the "curse" word. Gotcha.

Reply

Obey_StudBoii | 23

#5578973 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:16

The hell kind of comment is that.

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5579080 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:42

That's what you call a Buried Comment son.