Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in.... - FML

By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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Live dumping

Abuse

Headache

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By Jonathan - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

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By foshizzle - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

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By NoScrubs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By Rosie

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By Viciousvixen_21 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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By lex31 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

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By serverdessert - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By Can't Win - United States - Palatine

Today, my car keys decided to play hide and seek. Good news: I found them under my bed. Bad news: it was after my job interview was scheduled to start. FML

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By :( - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

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By riptoofie - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By jojolovesyou134

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

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By yodada - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

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By Confused Clipboard - United States

Today, my math teacher explained his concern for how "clipboard" should be pronounced similar to "cupboard." I thought he was crazy. I then later found myself saying it the new way to my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his cell, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me "he was so sad that we broke up." I didn't know. FML

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By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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By "Luke Payne"

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when I realised that I hadn't got my headphones in and was blasting Eminem whilst walking past a bunch of 5 year olds. He said the 'N' word at the same time. I guess I'm not going to that bus stop any more. FML

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By bieberslayer - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By Chipper

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

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By slickboy0023 - United States

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

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By DeannaMarie - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

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By

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By fuck you retail - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

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By daddyslittlegirl250 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my therapist recommended that I start seeing a psychiatrist. FML

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By ow - United States

Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML

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By ididlookgood - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

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By Anonymous

Out and about

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

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By

Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was sitting in the living room with my mother, my phone rang. She immediately exclaimed, "I'm not calling you! Why is it going off?" She was serious. My own mother doesn't believe people talk to me. FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By bianca131 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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Top comments

By rg350dx | 29

#5578879 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

Three strokes and you're out.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5578878 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's right.

COMMENTS

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5578878 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's right.

Reply

AboveAll04 | 14

#5579047 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:30

when in doubt, rub one out ;)

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5579325 - Sunday 14 July 2013 5:35

He needs help on how to use tabs.

Reply

shan88 | 14

#5591197 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:20

76. This is now my new motto in life :)

By rg350dx | 29

#5578879 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

Three strokes and you're out.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578898 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:06

I'm sure one stroke is enough to take most people out

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5578951 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:43

@14 but hes a heavy hitter

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5578968 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:14

because three is so impressive...

Reply

DaniPandi | 22

#5578992 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:47

I can't tell if this was a masturbation pun or just a typo.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5579131 - Sunday 14 July 2013 2:08

I took it as a typo. It works either way. By 3 strokes I made a heart attack reference, and he made a typo in his baseball reference. Didn't think of the masturbation.

Reply

Likian5 | 26

#5579291 - Sunday 14 July 2013 4:52

#80 It was obvious he wrote "stroking," referring to masturbation... -_-

Reply

ajh557 | 22

#5579415 - Sunday 14 July 2013 7:32

Athleticism Everyone hates what you have to say, just look at the past FML's

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5579713 - Sunday 14 July 2013 13:52

Well I guess he told you^

By stvn2 | 8

#5578880 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

At least he wasn't angry about it

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5578905 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:09

I feel like this is a step past angry.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578912 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:12

18- I'm not so sure, a lot of parents are cool about masturbation and such.

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5578922 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:17

True, but the 'you need help' line makes me think its a concern/disappointment situation. Which in my opinion is past anger.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578961 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:58

26- I wouldn't automatically think of that due to how sarcastic my father and I are. I would assume that tone was in a joking manner, tho it was not displayed in the FML.

By swordidfate | 13

#5578882 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's probably right if ALL of your Internet tabs were porn

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5578955 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:55

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't some porn sites open a new tab advertising other porn stuff?

OP, learn from this. Close all extra random pop up tabs and have a website that is nothing to do with the subject to change to if it happens again. :)

Reply

BaraSkit07 | 12

#5578956 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:56

When I browse porn I don't always leave another tab open, why is that a problem? That's like saying that if you aren't watching tv while eating you aren't using your time to its fullest potential. Please...

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5578977 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:24

It's not a problem but it prevents something like this happening. That comparison is rather shit if I may add.

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5579008 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:59

Some sites you just click a picture, then it takes you to another site, do it again and it repeats. Before you know it you have 10 tabs of porn! Life.

Reply

Alan2 | 24

#5581412 - Monday 15 July 2013 16:26

I'm pretty sure having a non porn tab open on the screen isn't going to be enough to save you if you've already got your pants down

By Speibrand | 10

#5578883 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

You always need a plan before whacking off man

Reply

ILoveMyArm | 15

#5578960 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:57

I'm not sure if that was meant to rhyme, either way it's a catchy phrase.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578966 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:11

How's this rhyme?
If you're gonna jack off.

You better close the goddamn door!

Reply

xplicitkontent | 18

#5579010 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:00

I think someone needs to revisit elementary school. The last time I checked, plan and man rhyme.

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#5579034 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:26

Maybe you should check yo reading comprehension before pickin' on someone else. It says "How's this rhyme?" As in, the not-rhyme they posted after that. :|

Reply

Speibrand | 10

#5579064 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:36

Maybe if you took the time, you could have seen it was a rhyme.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5579361 - Sunday 14 July 2013 6:14

77- You're quite the poet, and I see you like to show it.

Reply

How_you_doin | 10

#5584480 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 8:45

@ Athleticisim: geezz people really hate you on this site!

By FroznInferno | 9

#5578884 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

I hope you don't have any weird fetishes, for your dads sake..

Reply

MrBoredomioo | 18

#5598557 - Friday 26 July 2013 8:29

ya that wud suk

Reply

KissMyAnthia200 | 12

#5906425 - Sunday 6 April 2014 6:08

Yiff porn.Unfortunately,I knew I was a furry when I was 9.

By cyanidesandwich | 21

#5578885 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

Alt - f4 then enter will prevent this from happening again

By Pwn17 | 25

#5578888 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

Wouldn't it be a better option to just close the browser?

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5578907 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:09

Didn't see your comment there when I posted. My sincere apologies. *tips hat*

Reply

Pwn17 | 25

#5578915 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:15

Don't worry about it. *bows*

Reply

thepunman | 11

#5578945 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:29

And that ladies and gentlemen is the politest conversation in the world.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5578990 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:45

Nothing says I wasn't looking at porn more than awkwardly staring at your desktop after you've closed the browser.

Reply

Ellisonjulian | 4

#5579253 - Sunday 14 July 2013 4:17

Canadians

By subwaysurfers | 13

#5578891 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:05

Did closing the page not occur to you? And you should always have something like Facebook or Google open when watching porn to switch to that.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5578996 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:48

I always have my Facebook open when I browse porn so I can hit that share on Facebook button underneath the video I'm watching. It beats going through the hassle of logging on every time I want to share what I'm jerkin' it to.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5578892 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:05

Your username. Rightttttt, you meant the "curse" word. Gotcha.

Reply

Obey_StudBoii | 23

#5578973 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:16

The hell kind of comment is that.

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5579080 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:42

That's what you call a Buried Comment son.