Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in.... - FML

By fuck - 13/7/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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Dangling modifier

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Compassion

By shartface12 - 6/6/2014 22:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By MaryJane - 7/8/2019 02:00

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

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By geek - 22/7/2015 03:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

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By Son - 3/9/2018 17:30 - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

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By yuck - 9/12/2018 03:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

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By promdump - 7/3/2009 02:55 - United States

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML

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By Jim - 19/4/2016 17:25 - United States

Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML

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By maybe if i was paid like them i would - 14/8/2015 22:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

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By anon. - 3/1/2011 11:37 - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

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By Scabs - 9/8/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2014 17:47 - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

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By Renagirl - 9/9/2013 12:46 - United States - East Hartford

Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML

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By kmang33 - 2/4/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 03:19 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By Jake - 1/7/2009 12:28 - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2018 01:30

Today, I decided to not hang in the library after school like I usually do. When I got home, I found my father cheating on my mother with my girlfriend, who said she was gay. FML

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By gross - 6/8/2015 17:28 - United States

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 20:00

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 11:52 - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By bip - 15/12/2008 05:36 - France

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

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By embarassed - 14/1/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By confusedbutloved - 8/7/2012 12:42 - United States - North Easton

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

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By Hungry - 14/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By Proof-Reader - 15/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 23:00

Incognito browsing

Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

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By busted - 5/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

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By Tey - 22/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By TomorrowMaybe - 8/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

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By NickJJ - 16/5/2014 02:34 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2013 13:43 - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By sy123 - 29/7/2012 23:34 - United States - Frankfort

Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML

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By Bloody Nose - 16/4/2016 05:14 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

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By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - 23/9/2015 23:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2015 20:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

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By Drunkactor - 3/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

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By iNearlyHurled - 28/9/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By MandyPanda - 25/5/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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Top comments

By rg350dx | 29

#5578879 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

Three strokes and you're out.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5578878 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's right.

COMMENTS

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5578878 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's right.

Reply

AboveAll04 | 14

#5579047 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:30

when in doubt, rub one out ;)

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5579325 - Sunday 14 July 2013 5:35

He needs help on how to use tabs.

Reply

shan88 | 14

#5591197 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:20

76. This is now my new motto in life :)

By rg350dx | 29

#5578879 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

Three strokes and you're out.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578898 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:06

I'm sure one stroke is enough to take most people out

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5578951 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:43

@14 but hes a heavy hitter

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5578968 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:14

because three is so impressive...

Reply

DaniPandi | 22

#5578992 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:47

I can't tell if this was a masturbation pun or just a typo.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5579131 - Sunday 14 July 2013 2:08

I took it as a typo. It works either way. By 3 strokes I made a heart attack reference, and he made a typo in his baseball reference. Didn't think of the masturbation.

Reply

Likian5 | 26

#5579291 - Sunday 14 July 2013 4:52

#80 It was obvious he wrote "stroking," referring to masturbation... -_-

Reply

ajh557 | 22

#5579415 - Sunday 14 July 2013 7:32

Athleticism Everyone hates what you have to say, just look at the past FML's

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5579713 - Sunday 14 July 2013 13:52

Well I guess he told you^

By stvn2 | 8

#5578880 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

At least he wasn't angry about it

Reply

Nordrag | 25

#5578905 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:09

I feel like this is a step past angry.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578912 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:12

18- I'm not so sure, a lot of parents are cool about masturbation and such.

Reply

Nordrag | 25

#5578922 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:17

True, but the 'you need help' line makes me think its a concern/disappointment situation. Which in my opinion is past anger.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578961 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:58

26- I wouldn't automatically think of that due to how sarcastic my father and I are. I would assume that tone was in a joking manner, tho it was not displayed in the FML.

By swordidfate | 13

#5578882 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:03

He's probably right if ALL of your Internet tabs were porn

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5578955 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:55

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't some porn sites open a new tab advertising other porn stuff?

OP, learn from this. Close all extra random pop up tabs and have a website that is nothing to do with the subject to change to if it happens again. :)

Reply

BaraSkit07 | 12

#5578956 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:56

When I browse porn I don't always leave another tab open, why is that a problem? That's like saying that if you aren't watching tv while eating you aren't using your time to its fullest potential. Please...

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5578977 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:24

It's not a problem but it prevents something like this happening. That comparison is rather shit if I may add.

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5579008 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:59

Some sites you just click a picture, then it takes you to another site, do it again and it repeats. Before you know it you have 10 tabs of porn! Life.

Reply

Alan2 | 24

#5581412 - Monday 15 July 2013 16:26

I'm pretty sure having a non porn tab open on the screen isn't going to be enough to save you if you've already got your pants down

By Speibrand | 10

#5578883 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

You always need a plan before whacking off man

Reply

ILoveMyArm | 15

#5578960 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:57

I'm not sure if that was meant to rhyme, either way it's a catchy phrase.

Reply

Athleticism | 11

#5578966 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:11

How's this rhyme?
If you're gonna jack off.

You better close the goddamn door!

Reply

xplicitkontent | 18

#5579010 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:00

I think someone needs to revisit elementary school. The last time I checked, plan and man rhyme.

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#5579034 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:26

Maybe you should check yo reading comprehension before pickin' on someone else. It says "How's this rhyme?" As in, the not-rhyme they posted after that. :|

Reply

Speibrand | 10

#5579064 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:36

Maybe if you took the time, you could have seen it was a rhyme.

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5579361 - Sunday 14 July 2013 6:14

77- You're quite the poet, and I see you like to show it.

Reply

How_you_doin | 10

#5584480 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 8:45

@ Athleticisim: geezz people really hate you on this site!

By FroznInferno | 9

#5578884 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

I hope you don't have any weird fetishes, for your dads sake..

Reply

MrBoredomioo | 18

#5598557 - Friday 26 July 2013 8:29

ya that wud suk

Reply

KissMyAnthia200 | 12

#5906425 - Sunday 6 April 2014 6:08

Yiff porn.Unfortunately,I knew I was a furry when I was 9.

By cyanidesandwich | 20

#5578885 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

Alt - f4 then enter will prevent this from happening again

By Pwn17 | 25

#5578888 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:04

Wouldn't it be a better option to just close the browser?

Reply

subwaysurfers | 13

#5578907 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:09

Didn't see your comment there when I posted. My sincere apologies. *tips hat*

Reply

Pwn17 | 25

#5578915 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:15

Don't worry about it. *bows*

Reply

thepunman | 11

#5578945 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:29

And that ladies and gentlemen is the politest conversation in the world.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5578990 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:45

Nothing says I wasn't looking at porn more than awkwardly staring at your desktop after you've closed the browser.

Reply

Ellisonjulian | 4

#5579253 - Sunday 14 July 2013 4:17

Canadians

By subwaysurfers | 13

#5578891 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:05

Did closing the page not occur to you? And you should always have something like Facebook or Google open when watching porn to switch to that.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5578996 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:48

I always have my Facebook open when I browse porn so I can hit that share on Facebook button underneath the video I'm watching. It beats going through the hassle of logging on every time I want to share what I'm jerkin' it to.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5578892 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:05

Your username. Rightttttt, you meant the "curse" word. Gotcha.

Reply

Obey_StudBoii | 23

#5578973 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:16

The hell kind of comment is that.

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5579080 - Sunday 14 July 2013 1:42

That's what you call a Buried Comment son.