Kids: Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old...

By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML

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Kids

Good kid

Sorry…

The smell detective is on the case

By for fuck sake dad - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By beat10 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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By scarlett666 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

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By Auston - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By ;)loganberry(; - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince George

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

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By Victoria - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

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By birchbeer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

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By DrLight - United States - Raleigh

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By Nony - 8/6/2021 22:01

Police Academy 26

Today, during one of my final exams at university, the police academy across from the class decided to practice their marching. With the full band of bagpipes. For the entire 3 hours. I have a headache verging on migraine and start humming the marching beat occasionally. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By Sola

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 16:58 - United States

Roadkill

Today, I saw maggots dropping from beneath my car. I looked under, to see a rotting paw dangling from my engine. That would explain the smell. FML

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By Renzy

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

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By Ennui - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

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By gmanbuilder - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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By JK2010 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

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By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By whooops - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

You go Glenn Coco!

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

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By confused - 30/4/2021 05:01 - United States

Mr. Robot

Today, my boyfriend said we needed to talk. He called me cruel, cold and heartless and that it’s making him reconsider what kind of future we may have together. All because I hate sappy movies and don’t cry on the scenes where the dogs die. FML

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By THANKS4theINFO - United States

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

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By ealovan - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy Issues

Today, my mother-in-law yanked my corset so tight that I shit myself. While wearing my dress. On my wedding day. FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

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By Nucleus - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albany

Today, discovered that all the viruses I have gotten on my computer at work haven't been from anything I've done, but because my boss has secretly been using it after hours to download or watch porn so he wouldn't risk getting a virus on his own computer. I've lost 3 major projects due to this. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

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By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockford

Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML

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By meach - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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By Claire - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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Top comments

By not_your_taco | 15

#6342011 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:15

Guess someone needs to potty train more

By DFMLharsh | 20

#6342009 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:14

At least it's just one. Could've been all 4. That's still pretty bad, though.

COMMENTS

By DFMLharsh | 20

#6342009 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:14

At least it's just one. Could've been all 4. That's still pretty bad, though.

By not_your_taco | 15

#6342011 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:15

Guess someone needs to potty train more

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6342164 - Monday 6 July 2015 16:36

Well, at least it wasn't in his pants...that's a start I guess.

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6342222 - Monday 6 July 2015 17:30

Ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7463950 - Friday 2 June 2017 1:17

from what I remember potty training means not going in your pants, not in nature o.O

By senor_octubre | 24

#6342012 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:16

But hey, I bet you weren't bored anymore. Frustrated and embarrassed but definitely not bored.

By flyingflies | 36

#6342014 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:17

How can you properly watch a 4-year-old when taking care of 3 dogs at the same time? That's careless, OP.

mads_nicole | 19

#6342077 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:16

That's stupid. People do it all the time!

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6342105 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:37

Really?... You're a dumbass, lmao.

bapbap_fml | 15

#6342180 - Monday 6 July 2015 16:50

I feel like most people could handle a child and dogs. It's not that hard..

By echarlotte | 19

#6342024 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:22

Make sure you bag it or you'll get a fine

By iAlissa | 34

#6342027 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:23

That's actually incredibly gross, regardless of age.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6342107 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:38

Thanks, captain obvious.

By Cads1 | 24

#6342031 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:24

Did you let him drag his backside along the grass too?

By AMcM_fml | 21

#6342038 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:37

unlucky OP, maybe next time you're bored you'll just take the dogs for a walk.

By sturschaedel | 27

#6342056 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:00

Did you pick it up?

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6342067 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:08

Ew, I know that feeling op, I have to pick up my toddler brothers poop all the time. I hope you brought something to pick it up! (Which you probably would if you're a dog owner)

onlychildFTW | 33

#6343143 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 9:44

If you have to do it a lot for your toddler brother he should probably still be in diapers/pull ups.