Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old...

By Anonymous - 6/7/2015 01:48 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML

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Kids

Boozehound alert

Gas giant

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By nasuma - 11/10/2019 20:00

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML

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By Lamediseased - 29/9/2016 15:07 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Burnt - 2/5/2011 09:33 - United States

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

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By JimmySmoothBeans - 21/10/2009 12:15 - Australia

Today, I had my 21st birthday party. My friends told me to have the party even though it had been 5 months since my actual 21st birthday. They asked me why I didn't have one originally and I jokingly told them it was because I didn't think anyone would come. Turned out nobody came after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2017 15:00

Someone's getting coal from Santa...

Today, my nephew stabbed me in the knee with a colouring pencil. The hospital says he ripped a hole in a tendon and I need surgery to fix it or one day it'll snap. I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life. FML

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By unforgettablee - 29/4/2013 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

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By LoveDrug - 17/2/2010 10:49 - Ireland

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

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By Ava K - 1/10/2019 16:02 - United States - San Diego

Unnecessary

Today, my mom and I were looking at dresses for me at the mall. The cashier pointed out a dress, and my mom said, "She's definitely not going to fit into that. She's too flat-chested." FML

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By Annoyed - 28/10/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she bought the same perfume that my boyfriend got me for Christmas last year. He loves that perfume. Now, whenever he smells me, he's going to think of his mom. FML

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By robotzzz - 20/2/2009 14:12 - France

Today, I asked a co-worker out for a drink. She said yes, then my older brother who was visiting decided to come behind me and pull down my pants in front of the office. Then she said no. FML

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By John_Elvis - 9/4/2016 03:30 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Unloved. - 15/9/2009 10:09 - New Zealand

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

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By pissypants - 25/11/2017 19:00

Maybe he's into that...

Today, at the movies on a date, I drank all my soda and waited too long. I couldn't take it anymore and quickly got up, knocking my dates popcorn on the floor, and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t make it and went home in shame. It’s better he thinks I stood him up. FML

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By unknown - 31/1/2010 06:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were in my basement. I play drums and guitar very well. My girlfriend bet me $50 that she could play better than me. I made the bet, but what I didn't know was that she had been taking both drum and guitar lessons since she was 5. I just lost $50. FML

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By kingkarnie - 12/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

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By maddyUnderstood - 31/5/2019 00:00

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

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By im_not_me - 9/12/2009 12:31 - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

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By Brilliant... - 25/5/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

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By what_the_hell - 20/6/2013 08:35 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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By Hunter cat - 2/11/2018 13:30

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 21:36 - United States - New York

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

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By iphonerevolution - 5/7/2014 00:15 - South Africa

Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML

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By rummaging - 18/5/2016 13:46 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my boyfriend found the box of photos I've been saving for my daughter. He was convinced I was pining over her father and emptied the box into the dumpster behind our apartment. I'm still not done digging through the garbage to find the photos from the day my daughter was born. FML

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By ohgod - 14/8/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By sigh - 24/11/2011 19:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 10:00 - United States

Sounds healthy

Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

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By virginkiller - 3/3/2012 13:23 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By ohjoy - 18/11/2009 07:42 - United States

Today, a friend and I attempted to jump the 7-foot high fence around his gated community because he'd left his keys. He made it. I didn’t. My shorts caught on the top of the fence, so I was forced to dangle there on a busy street until my Dad came and helped. But only after taking a picture. FML

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By Greymoya - 24/2/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

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By cacheson - 5/6/2020 23:00

The Good Fight

Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML

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By H8TR - 26/8/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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By Ayeya - 4/6/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By whut - 23/12/2014 20:58 - United States

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

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By OfCourse - 27/6/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I learned my 40 year old father is marrying a girl barely a year and a half older than me. She told me not to be afraid to call her mom. I was torn between punching her in the face and vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, our school started an anti-bullying policy, and we watched a video about bullying. After the video, I told a teacher about a bullying case going on that I know about. His response? "Tell someone who cares" as he walked away chuckling. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 12:00

Fetish

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

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By Scaredwitless - 28/1/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By Rachel - 12/2/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

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Top comments

By not_your_taco | 15

#6342011 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:15

Guess someone needs to potty train more

By DFMLharsh | 20

#6342009 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:14

At least it's just one. Could've been all 4. That's still pretty bad, though.

COMMENTS

By DFMLharsh | 20

#6342009 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:14

At least it's just one. Could've been all 4. That's still pretty bad, though.

By not_your_taco | 15

#6342011 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:15

Guess someone needs to potty train more

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6342164 - Monday 6 July 2015 16:36

Well, at least it wasn't in his pants...that's a start I guess.

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6342222 - Monday 6 July 2015 17:30

Ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7463950 - Friday 2 June 2017 1:17

from what I remember potty training means not going in your pants, not in nature o.O

By senor_octubre | 24

#6342012 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:16

But hey, I bet you weren't bored anymore. Frustrated and embarrassed but definitely not bored.

By flyingflies | 36

#6342014 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:17

How can you properly watch a 4-year-old when taking care of 3 dogs at the same time? That's careless, OP.

mads_nicole | 19

#6342077 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:16

That's stupid. People do it all the time!

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6342105 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:37

Really?... You're a dumbass, lmao.

bapbap_fml | 15

#6342180 - Monday 6 July 2015 16:50

I feel like most people could handle a child and dogs. It's not that hard..

By echarlotte | 19

#6342024 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:22

Make sure you bag it or you'll get a fine

By iAlissa | 34

#6342027 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:23

That's actually incredibly gross, regardless of age.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6342107 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:38

Thanks, captain obvious.

By Cads1 | 24

#6342031 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:24

Did you let him drag his backside along the grass too?

By AMcM_fml | 21

#6342038 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:37

unlucky OP, maybe next time you're bored you'll just take the dogs for a walk.

By sturschaedel | 27

#6342056 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:00

Did you pick it up?

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6342067 - Monday 6 July 2015 15:08

Ew, I know that feeling op, I have to pick up my toddler brothers poop all the time. I hope you brought something to pick it up! (Which you probably would if you're a dog owner)

onlychildFTW | 33

#6343143 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 9:44

If you have to do it a lot for your toddler brother he should probably still be in diapers/pull ups.