Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long,... - FML

By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

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Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

They're everywhere

By Sawarski - 7/1/2013 20:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

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By Mary - 10/7/2011 12:49 - United States

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

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By bubblezzz123 - 4/9/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

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By Crushed - 7/7/2019 12:00

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By Lazy - 20/9/2009 12:03 - Australia

Today, I was at work and was trying to cheer up my stressed out manager by chatting. We were on the subject of sleeping in when I told her that I loved to be lazy and sleep in when I could. She looked up and down me and then answered, "I can see that." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2011 22:28 - United States

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

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By badmom - 2/8/2020 02:02

Zoom this, bitches!

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

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By mrb72 - 3/2/2009 10:48 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2015 02:40 - United States

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

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By jonh_215 - 8/4/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, as a going away present after five years of military service and one combat tour, the hospital scheduled me for a prostate exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 01:02 - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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By Anon - 29/9/2015 03:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

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By Jrex89 - 2/6/2015 21:02 - United States - Washington

Today, I got woken up and kicked out of bed. Apparently if I cheat in her dreams it still counts. FML

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By Greattitan2 - 29/6/2015 20:34 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2017 11:08

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By Chan - 23/1/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - 3/3/2014 19:58 - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By disappointmentafter4years - 12/4/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

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By tooth fairy - 20/8/2018 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, my dentist called and told me that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth - which I desperately need and saved for a year to be able to afford - will actually cost nearly $2000 more than originally stated. The surgery is supposed to be in three days. FML

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By Somerandomguy64 - 10/12/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By clean - 16/9/2013 07:51 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2011 09:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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By stupid!!! - 2/9/2020 19:58

Light bulb moment

Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML

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By Joseflloyd - 12/5/2016 04:52 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask a girl at my school for her number. As I was typing it into my phone, she pointed out the giant booger firmly attached to my sleeve. FML

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By misc - 20/11/2010 10:40 - Australia

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

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By ifyouseekmylife - 25/10/2009 15:44 - United States

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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By Marc - 6/2/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

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By raquel - 17/7/2015 16:40 - United States

Today, I babysat the Antichrist of all kids. After the 5 long hours were over, his parents came home. Instead of paying me what they agreed, they offered to let me eat some leftovers of a takeout in the fridge. I'm so afraid of confrontation that I accepted. FML

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By Milly - 30/1/2011 19:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 08:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 14:39 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 08:08

Who's Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue

Today, I spent almost two hours drawing a scenery. I was tired halfway in and took a break. Came back to my room to see it getting scribbled on. FML

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By oops - 15/7/2012 05:34 - United States

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

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By HeSaysImNoBeard - 26/11/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

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By LC - 3/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

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Top comments

By xxWTFxx1981 | 21

#7687760 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 18:41

you shouldn't drop the course if she laughed good chance might help your grade...lol

By _Hakuna_Matata_ | 12

#7687774 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 19:10

Yeah dude, i agree with xxxwtfxxx..? 😅 There's no need for you to change courses.

COMMENTS

By xxWTFxx1981 | 21

#7687760 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 18:41

you shouldn't drop the course if she laughed good chance might help your grade...lol

Reply

ScarletteEve | 33

#7687777 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 19:27

Unless the laughing came from other people watching the situation and not the professor.

By _Hakuna_Matata_ | 12

#7687774 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 19:10

Yeah dude, i agree with xxxwtfxxx..? 😅 There's no need for you to change courses.

By awildwhisper | 30

#7687793 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 19:58

It's embarrassing, but it sounds like the teacher has a good sense of humor and wasn't offended. Take it as an unexpected ice breaker for the class :)

By EarthsMightiestHeroes | 20

#7687810 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 20:17

I see a successful quest in your future... a successful quest to drop all your classes, because clearly, you are not ready for college.

Reply

MATTY2512 | 15

#7689433 - Friday 7 September 2018 23:02

That’s an overreaction.

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7687811 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 20:18

I wish my professors were lit

By julfunky | 29

#7687829 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 20:37

Rule one when it comes to talking about people: make sure there is no way in hell they can hear you.

By MitiMiki | 16

#7687849 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 21:33

A lit class with long boring writing assignments? Imagine that...

By Rabite | 28

#7687947 - Wednesday 5 September 2018 1:41

I'm really tired of this "she just needs to get laid" bs. It's not even funny.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7687960 - Wednesday 5 September 2018 2:09

Pretty sure it wasn't meant to be funny, pretty sure it was meant to be an irritated jab at someone making her life more difficult.

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7687955 - Wednesday 5 September 2018 2:00

Two things. First, why day stuff like that where the prof could be in earshot? Dumb! Two, how do you know she was laughing at what you said? What toy said wasn't THAT funny.

Reply

adelaine782002 | 17

#7687993 - Wednesday 5 September 2018 4:58

I had a stroke trying to understand what you said..🤔😫

Reply

1gullible_bugger | 33

#7687995 - Wednesday 5 September 2018 5:06

my apologies, the last comment was a little difficult to understand.

Two things. First, why say things like that when your Prof could be within earshot? dumb! Second, how do you know the Prof was laughing at what you said? what you said was not really that funny.

Reply

joeyl1990 | 28

#7688008 - Wednesday 5 September 2018 6:32

I think it becomes funnier when you hear someone saying that about you when they don't know you are there.

By Joker527 | 3

#7702721 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 9:07

When you're in any type of school or work setting and you are talking about someone it is always wise to turn around 3000 times beforehand.