Kids: You had to ask

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 53

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 016

You had to ask

By hii - 01/03/2009 20:29

Today, I was babysitting a one year-old. She'd just learned how to say yes, so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said, "Yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty. She looked at me and said, "NO." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 424

You deserved it 14 634

Kids

Commando

Another great day to be alive

Get a vasectomy, dude

29/03/2016 13:05

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 140

You deserved it 3 234

Live Laugh Love

By ihatewalmart - 29/06/2012 23:12

Today, while at work, I saw a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said, "Yep… that just happened," and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 977

You deserved it 3 186

11/12/2014 05:44

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 963

You deserved it 2 558

01/02/2014 22:26

Today, my team suffered a humiliating loss against our biggest rivals. My family was pretty supportive, though, but only because they'd taken bets against me from the start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 093

You deserved it 3 895

22/06/2011 07:11

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 923

You deserved it 4 176

04/09/2013 21:07

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 942

You deserved it 8 967

30/08/2015 12:13

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 499

You deserved it 3 260

03/06/2009 20:06

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 313

You deserved it 4 394

30/07/2013 14:13

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 342

You deserved it 25 884

11/07/2011 10:53

Today, trying to make a good impression and be helpful, I volunteered to look after my manager's cat while she moves house. The cat hasn't stopped meowing since he got here this evening, it's now 4 am and I have work in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 445

You deserved it 6 711

Help this person out, please?

By Anonymous - 14/03/2020 18:00

Today, I have no close friends, only "people I know and occasionally talk to." I have no idea how I got here, and how to re-socialize back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 558

You deserved it 182

30/12/2008 04:34

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 414

You deserved it 31 416

10/06/2012 09:16

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 20 442

13/06/2011 16:37

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 546

You deserved it 41 848

01/07/2016 16:23

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 298

You deserved it 1 839

29/12/2012 15:50

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 219

You deserved it 3 175

23/11/2008 09:24

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 628

You deserved it 2 862

01/11/2010 17:24

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 313

You deserved it 5 395

Dad jokes

By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 22:26

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 133

You deserved it 27 803

15/10/2018 15:33

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 608

You deserved it 479

14/06/2013 22:29

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 312

You deserved it 6 691

03/02/2013 07:14

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 16 067

12/04/2009 04:44

Today, my ten year old son realized something. Beer is alcohol. People who drink a lot of alcohol are alcoholics. Therefore I am an alcoholic for drinking beer with dinner. He told everyone at his conservative private school and they tried to have an intervention. They pray for me every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 609

You deserved it 12 868

16/10/2009 03:36

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 918

You deserved it 3 815

26/01/2015 22:19

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 780

You deserved it 2 925

15/08/2013 19:56

Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 625

You deserved it 8 432

04/07/2012 16:40

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 578

You deserved it 3 271

08/03/2011 07:17

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 190

You deserved it 6 435

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 118

01/09/2010 08:27

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 928

You deserved it 3 458

Duh.

By psb1990 - 01/09/2018 01:30

Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 3 518

11/05/2009 15:14

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 690

You deserved it 9 802

Stay classy

By chattyloz - 07/02/2013 12:31

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 814

You deserved it 39 749

10/08/2012 23:59

Today, after much debate, my husband convinced me to let his scumbag brother babysit our seven-year-old son while we went out to a restaurant. When we got home, we found him teaching our son how to pick the lock to our liquor cabinet. My husband is unapologetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 132

You deserved it 4 008

14/08/2019 23:01

Today, I tried to point out to a chap in a van waiting at the lights that his tyre was flat, and that the rim had been spitting sparks all the way down the road. I was told in no uncertain terms, “Mind your own bleedin' business!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 140

Cake, eating it…

By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 1 276

11/11/2009 12:21

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 845

You deserved it 4 117

10/11/2018 03:00

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 619

You deserved it 216

21/11/2010 23:14

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 719

You deserved it 3 666

20/05/2011 23:29

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 110

You deserved it 3 639

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Top comments

Amkii 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:01

You were owned. By a baby. Fyl indeed.

musicalmandi16 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:04

I see great potential in that baby.

Comments

Amkii 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:01

You were owned. By a baby. Fyl indeed.

lizzilla8297 2

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Thursday 26 August 2010 2:45

haha ydi for being selfish

Ilikethenamesam 3

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Friday 29 April 2011 22:16

I know, right!?

musicalmandi16 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:04

I see great potential in that baby.

AskMyName_fml 5

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Thursday 20 February 2014 19:12

The babies of today will be the trolls of tomorrow. They can't help it; they were born that way.

thebaroness1984 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:10

Ouch! Don't worry, she's just a baby.

efemivida 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:11

Maybe she thinks "yes" actually means "no." And visa versa!

lovesdicks 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:25

Well are you ugly? You know children that young don't know how to lie :(

allie2590 30

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:34

Hahaha

ZING_MASTER 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:57

Out of the mouths of babes... come ZINGS!!!

svm_invictvs 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 3:03

Take solace in the fact that perhaps you taught her a new word ;)

Edmund_Dantes 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 3:21

Why are you seeking validation from a 1year old?

n8equalsd 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 6:43

I know. seriously, these FMLs get stupider than the stories on MLIA now.

Anthrophobia 2

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Sunday 20 June 2010 22:01

Exactly! The OP walked right into that one.

Comodesi 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 5:30

Either that kid will grow up to be a politician or one hell of a comedian...