Kids: Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned...

By hi - United States

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

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Kids

Late term

The grudge

Assumptions

By kylie

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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By ZAnon - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

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37591

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By Anonymous

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

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3595

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By samadams42 - United States

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 05:00

What?

Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

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By Mr. X - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By IlikeGreenPlants - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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11878

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By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

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By KillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

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9758

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

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By greeple - Singapore

Today, I decided to clean my face of unwanted visitors, and spent my shower popping the pimples on my cheeks. Twenty minutes later, I remembered that I was showering ahead of a date with my girlfriend. My cheeks now look like the crater-filled surface of Mars. FML

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By HappyBirthday - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step mom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a step mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

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By Charity - United States

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

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By poopexperttt - United States

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

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25471

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By prochainefois - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

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62212

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By DDubs - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Barrie

Pay up, dude

Today, I found out I had gotten a parking ticket while I was travelling a few months back in California. I moved since, so I didn’t know I had it so it increased to 200$ and when I told the guy who was actually driving the car about it, he blocked me. FML

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813

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By Anonymous

Complete mockery

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

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By MissAnonymous93 - South Africa

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 15:06 - United States - Albuquerque

You tried

Today, I'm in my late thirties, I quit my dream job to go back to school in hopes of providing a better future for my family. All my wife does anymore is bitch about how she has to support the family and do everything. I just found out that my grades aren't good enough to continue my college program. FML

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974

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By firedofbirthday - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

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By Ctmusher

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

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By what434 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By Noctium - 2/9/2020 14:08 - Australia - Bentley

Anxiety

Today, I realised exactly how bad my social anxiety has gotten when I had a panic attack watching someone ask someone else out on a fictional show. FML

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1163

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By pa - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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54509

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a waitress, an attractive woman sat at one of my tables. When she paid, I decided to be bold and write my number and "Call me" on her receipt. She put in a complaint to my manager. FML

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782

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By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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17226

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 14:02

Smash capitalism

Today, I was basically treated to, "Hey, you're laid off by the end of the month. Oh, and would you mind training your replacement? We have budget cuts, and he works for less." FML

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1530

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By BarBacked - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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54483

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By whatgoesaround - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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15517

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By all puked out - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51582

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By TBaggins00 - United States

Today, as I was texting a friend, I was going to warm up some cold pizza. As I got finished with a text I put the pizza in the microwave and set the timer. After the timer ran out, I opened the door and smelled burnt plastic. Turns out phones aren't meant to be in the microwave. FML

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14214

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By Kimberly - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

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Top comments

By Amkii | 0

#10457 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:01

You were owned. By a baby. Fyl indeed.

By musicalmandi16 | 0

#10463 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:04

I see great potential in that baby.

COMMENTS

By Amkii | 0

#10457 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:01

You were owned. By a baby. Fyl indeed.

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1301498 - Thursday 26 August 2010 2:45

haha ydi for being selfish

Ilikethenamesam | 3

#2430480 - Friday 29 April 2011 22:16

I know, right!?

By musicalmandi16 | 0

#10463 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:04

I see great potential in that baby.

AskMyName_fml | 5

#5863928 - Thursday 20 February 2014 19:12

The babies of today will be the trolls of tomorrow. They can't help it; they were born that way.

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#10473 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:10

Ouch! Don't worry, she's just a baby.

By efemivida | 0

#10475 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:11

Maybe she thinks "yes" actually means "no." And visa versa!

By lovesdicks | 0

#10496 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:25

Well are you ugly? You know children that young don't know how to lie :(

By allie2590 | 30

#10511 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:34

Hahaha

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#10543 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:57

Out of the mouths of babes... come ZINGS!!!

By svm_invictvs | 0

#10552 - Monday 2 March 2009 3:03

Take solace in the fact that perhaps you taught her a new word ;)

By Edmund_Dantes | 0

#10563 - Monday 2 March 2009 3:21

Why are you seeking validation from a 1year old?

n8equalsd | 0

#792683 - Saturday 23 January 2010 6:43

I know. seriously, these FMLs get stupider than the stories on MLIA now.

Anthrophobia | 2

#1037551 - Sunday 20 June 2010 22:01

Exactly! The OP walked right into that one.

By Comodesi | 0

#10650 - Monday 2 March 2009 5:30

Either that kid will grow up to be a politician or one hell of a comedian...