Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back...

By babybreath - 3/6/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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Kids

Creepy

Fashion Police

Workaholic

By NotSatan - 19/4/2017 14:00

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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By TextLoser - 5/8/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 09:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew my girlfriend to Paris for our one year anniversary. Little did I know that instead of going up the Eiffel Tower and over looking the most romantic city she would rather spend it in bed with a French man. FML

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By nothanks - 22/8/2010 13:42 - United States

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

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By lifeguardfuckup - 14/2/2019 15:17 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

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By Jackassed - 12/5/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

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By sugar - 18/10/2010 12:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2019 20:00

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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By TheLibrarian - 27/10/2018 05:00

Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

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By ana9 - 12/1/2009 15:56 - France

Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML

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By Cooper491 - 15/9/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

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By ohIlike - 15/9/2009 12:10 - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, 'liking' the break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 01:33 - Australia - Liverpool

Today, early in the morning, I got a knock on the door from the police. It seems my son and his friend had been caught throwing toilet paper at a neighbour's house. He's 23. FML

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By arekusa - 23/6/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

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By Spac3Ghost - 28/12/2010 17:08 - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 03:02

Kids, it doesn't get any better

Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 19:14 - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - 19/3/2009 23:31 - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By angrystudent - 7/3/2016 22:47 - United States - Franklin

Today, I spent all day doing a project for myself and then for a friend who's sick. Turned out it was a prank everyone in the class was pulling on me. I missed a baseball game because of it. FML

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By :-O - 14/4/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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By habsgurl0622 - 8/10/2012 18:57 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

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By backstabbed - 29/10/2011 07:22 - Australia

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

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By xCZ75x - 13/6/2017 13:00 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

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By Anon - 10/5/2009 12:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I forgot my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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By Hanna - 3/4/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

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By Kortnie Peterman - 6/6/2020 17:03

Body positivity

Today, after 3 months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want sex, I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight. He looked at me and said, "You're too fat to go walking." I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here, not his. FML

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By Luke - 19/3/2013 09:59 - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By Noname - 11/3/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my Father over top of me saying "nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burgler and he knocked me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 14:57 - United States

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML

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By heretoserve - 27/9/2014 04:22 - United States - Winchester

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 01:02 - United States - Mio

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 23:26 - United States

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 01:17 - Australia

Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after 2 years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML

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By crucets - 6/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

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By julia - 11/6/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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Top comments

By brittanycraze | 0

#259922 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:05

Thats gross.

By kelllieeee_ | 0

#259933 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:09

how could he/she deserve that?
whats wrong with you peopleeee

lol im sorryyyy, hah thats really
grosssss

COMMENTS

By brittanycraze | 0

#259922 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:05

Thats gross.

shreena112 | 0

#1539984 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 3:25

something just like that happened to mee!

SaMmIMonster96 | 6

#4114761 - Friday 2 March 2012 18:44

If you think that is gross, you will not want kids..

By kelllieeee_ | 0

#259933 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:09

how could he/she deserve that?
whats wrong with you peopleeee

lol im sorryyyy, hah thats really
grosssss

Euroguy20 | 0

#1704014 - Monday 15 November 2010 8:28

Oh yeah wake up yea!! Love jersey shore lol

By Zenma | 0

#259938 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:10

Mmmm..

Protein!

By stiles_fml | 0

#259945 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:11

yuuuuuuuuuummmm

By MiniFil | 0

#259953 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:14

You should of spit it out right back in their face, babies like that kind of stuff.

Ming Ming!

By crazyjack | 0

#259961 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:17

Eww, babies can sometimed really be a pain... Guess you shouldn't lether go on a roller coaster when shes older xD

By glamourful | 0

#259978 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:26

#6 - you know nothing about babies obv.

OP - it happens.. sucks it was in your mouth, but generally when you tip babies upside down or up the the air or w/e they throw up. My friends 5 month old kid was just sitting on my knee last week and randomly threw up his lunch (mmm regurjed milk...) on my leg...

By f_mylife24 | 0

#259981 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:26

pukeeylicious =)
you probably fed your cousin and didn't let her digest it before holding her up in the air.

By cutecarebear | 0

#259994 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:32

OMG! :D I love you for sharing this! About ten years ago this happened to me with my brother. I seriously thought I was the only one and my mom never let me live it down.

By AlfonzoRex | 0

#260029 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:48

#11, Obviously the little girl couldn't help it.
It was no ones fault really, Shit happens.
I mean, what's so bad about making a kid laugh and giving them a good time?
..Even if it leads to someone else's vomit in your mouth.
FYL