Animals: Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was... - FML

By darlingditz - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

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Messed up

Spooky

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By notaguidette - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

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By ticket - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

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By creepyguy - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By accidentalnorman

Today, I got back from a week long holiday with my new girlfriend. I started thinking about her whilst talking to my parents and reflexively cupped my mother's ass. FML

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By Stevie - United States - Southfield

Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML

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By Strainer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By thefatnurse - United States - Roswell

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said; "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

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By 1 Giant Cupcake - United States

Today, I drove to Bank of America to deposit money. Upon returning to my car I saw some new scratches on the front. I kicked and rubbed it to try and get rid of it. Then I notice someone in the car staring at me in bewilderment. I'd parked 2 spaces away. We have the same car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

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By Actor - United States

Today, I joined my school's film-making club so I could get an opportunity to act in the club president's screenplays. It turns out her idea of a tragedy is a creepy, sci-fi version of Romeo and Juliet, with elves, starring her as the perfect Mary Sue style lead character. I can't get out of this. FML

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By VidyaGameCollector - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, because money is a little tight, I decided to sell one of my retro video game consoles. The family member that initially gave me it to me saw the ad on Facebook and demanded I give it back to them. FML

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By Sirah90 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By makeitstop - Canada

Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on repeat for 8 hours. FML

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By unloved - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By Kit - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By sammy - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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By fredo - United States - Ames

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

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By Fish

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By RomanceFail - United States - Crestwood

Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 20:01

A ghost

Today, I'm stuck in quarantine and my friends are planning stuff like swimming without me in our group chat, instead of doing it in another chat group. It's like I don't even exist. FML

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By Monroe - United States

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

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By hadakanbo - 17/4/2020 05:00

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

Today, after spending weeks collecting almost every star, flag, and stamp of Super Mario 3D World on the Wii U, I was working on the very last of the super bonus levels to get the final 12 of 380 available stars when my five-year-old decided to help. By accidentally deleting the file. FML

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By why me? - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

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By IMayBeAFool - United States

Today, after I have spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confesses she's a mental patient who stole someone elses identity. She was telling the truth. FML

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By James - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

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By Sheila Deville

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

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By Derp-A-Herp - United States

Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML

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By joybirdnot_13 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

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By Badam - France - Geaune

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

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By PharmSlave - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By Momma - 26/3/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Parent-sanctioned violence

Today, my daughter informed me that, in order to train the dumb out of her brother, she’s gonna slap him whenever he says or does something dumb. She’s slapped him 8 times already and unfortunately, each slap was justified. My boy is dumb as a box of rocks. Hope the slapping helps. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 00:30

Ghosted

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years ghosted me without a word and acted like he didn't know my friend when she texted him. FML

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By Kali - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. They spent five minutes explaining job duties and I listened with anticipation. Then they spent five minutes explaining why I wasn't the right person for the job. FML

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By christacat - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

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Top comments

By spankyness | 0

#78490 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

Dog has been trained well

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#78492 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:27

You're a girl, right?

COMMENTS

By pkmlove | 0

#78487 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

thats embarrassing. lol

Reply

bobbybill0519 | 7

#1250082 - Monday 16 August 2010 5:22

lets hope the guy wasnt wearing sweatpants

Reply

sexyscooter | 0

#1281878 - Sunday 22 August 2010 1:17

YDI for being a babysitter that wears thongs, slut

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1299677 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 15:23

I think he likes you

Reply

person5625 | 1

#3173891 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 17:37

who wears a thong for babysitting

Reply

kbobcat | 0

#3353513 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 4:18

If the op was a guy and posted this, it would be so much better haha :)

Reply

awkward_gothlady | 32

#4820308 - Thursday 16 August 2012 6:15

Maybe that's just what she was wearing that day. How many people go around thinking, "well, my pants might get pulled down, so I'd better make sure I'm wearing the right kind of underwear just in case..."?

Reply

bbpgrs | 7

#5460483 - Monday 22 April 2013 23:01

says awkward goth lady

Reply

drunkmunkey | 24

#6118025 - Thursday 13 November 2014 23:41

pics or it didn't happen

By autophobe | 0

#78488 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

the dog did it on purpose. =P

By spankyness | 0

#78490 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

Dog has been trained well

Reply

z620 | 0

#926207 - Monday 8 March 2010 22:00

dog is a child molester detector

Reply

Tommananaze6T9 | 4

#2801580 - Saturday 2 July 2011 1:20

hahahaha

By Xarin | 0

#78491 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:28

[email protected] =)

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#78492 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:27

You're a girl, right?

Reply

malinbobbyypho | 0

#877690 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:59

yess,, she is; thankfulllyy

Reply

amandapandajones | 0

#2754898 - Saturday 25 June 2011 8:50

dip shit.

Reply

stuart169 | 3

#2983794 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:59

dude, a 13 year old girl just called you a dip-shit. you should slap that bitch.

By jack6179 | 0

#78494 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:28

well...........did you get paid more than you expected?

Reply

davidmechaly | 0

#958448 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 18:05

lawl

By pippysthename00 | 0

#78499 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:28

lol, #1.
and damn, that sucks...

By spankyness | 0

#78501 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:29

Dog has been trained well

By Arkvoodle | 0

#78508 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:30

YDI For wearing sweat pants in the first place

Reply

pizza_princess | 5

#6728538 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 6:30

what the fuck is wrong with you

By altkat | 3

#78509 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:32

That is unfortunate. FYL.