Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was... - FML

By darlingditz - 2/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71344

You deserved it

12489

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Gas giant

Workaholic

By gingerbread - 18/12/2017 18:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1943

You deserved it

3573

Tweet

Share

By LCDRBrownHercules - 22/9/2015 01:44 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my 5-year-old daughter sobbed inconsolably on my return home from a several-month long deployment to the Middle East. I was touched by her reaction until she blurted out that she wasn't crying because she missed me, but because my shaved head looked scary ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25678

You deserved it

1964

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14947

You deserved it

27931

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:05 - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24906

You deserved it

51841

Tweet

Share

By BabyBeardy - 10/12/2009 23:05 - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32074

You deserved it

3171

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/4/2014 21:07 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46723

You deserved it

13780

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23690

You deserved it

5932

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36407

You deserved it

7343

Tweet

Share

By Anon. - 7/2/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57818

You deserved it

7741

Tweet

Share

By Redbeard - 24/1/2020 05:00

Who taught him

Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2051

You deserved it

332

Tweet

Share

By telefucked - 31/7/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my parents switched phone companies, which changed the phone number. Two days ago, I dropped off over 15 job applications with my 'old' number on all of them. There is a waiting period before I can reapply anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32495

You deserved it

4165

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 05:39 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my 6-year-old son's birthday party, I had to explain to my boyfriend that it's not okay to use condoms as party balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32783

You deserved it

6309

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 16:46 - Ireland - Bagenalstown

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date idiots, but it's like I have a big old shithead-attracting magnet attached to me or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24965

You deserved it

14789

Tweet

Share

By grrrr - 8/2/2010 00:35 - United States

Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34318

You deserved it

2858

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 16/1/2009 17:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27167

You deserved it

2621

Tweet

Share

By idiot - 24/1/2013 19:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to find out it was a small ice-cube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11533

You deserved it

40174

Tweet

Share

By OompaLoompa - 18/6/2009 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16223

You deserved it

62132

Tweet

Share

By mooseknuckle - 31/5/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21723

You deserved it

50636

Tweet

Share

By Tray - 25/9/2017 20:13

Con Artist Kitty

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2768

You deserved it

594

Tweet

Share

By pissed - 10/5/2015 14:34 - United States - Dearborn

Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30768

You deserved it

7970

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45465

You deserved it

8898

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

143129

You deserved it

16352

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 23:34 - United States - Akron

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

44729

You deserved it

23818

Tweet

Share

By No Action Fighter - 22/8/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26109

You deserved it

3368

Tweet

Share

By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - 9/3/2014 18:38 - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57777

You deserved it

10304

Tweet

Share

By aubrey - 14/10/2017 01:30

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3103

You deserved it

303

Tweet

Share

By Embarrassed wife - 21/12/2018 14:00

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

1633

You deserved it

1200

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 22:48 - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61657

You deserved it

5815

Tweet

Share

By sue - 31/5/2017 00:00

I agree, your life sucks

2606

You deserved it

265

Tweet

Share

By Leanna - 10/4/2017 12:00

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4034

You deserved it

653

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41136

You deserved it

6536

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 16:06 - United States

Today, I removed the side rails from my truck because I didn't think I really needed them. An hour later, I went to Wal-Mart, forgot they were gone, and busted my ass in public while getting out of my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19898

You deserved it

44168

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13826

You deserved it

33607

Tweet

Share

By Carlyclose - 16/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5120

You deserved it

353

Tweet

Share

By forever dog-less - 22/12/2018 04:00

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2165

You deserved it

178

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/9/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12290

You deserved it

994

Tweet

Share

By anon9876542 - 20/8/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn't go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200m from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23021

You deserved it

45267

Tweet

Share

By Bleh - 8/3/2019 22:00 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I found out that my new, expensive noise-canceling headphones trigger my motion sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2004

You deserved it

227

Tweet

Share

By Srain - 7/1/2010 06:36 - Australia

Today, feeling confident, I asked my boyfriend what he thought of my new body, since I had lost 16 kilos over the past month. He told me that he missed the old me and wanted me to gain weight again. My boyfriend was the one that encouraged me to lose weight in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33348

You deserved it

3833

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 11/3/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

81374

You deserved it

3796

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By spankyness | 0

#78490 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

Dog has been trained well

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#78492 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:27

You're a girl, right?

COMMENTS

By pkmlove | 0

#78487 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

thats embarrassing. lol

Reply

bobbybill0519 | 7

#1250082 - Monday 16 August 2010 5:22

lets hope the guy wasnt wearing sweatpants

Reply

sexyscooter | 0

#1281878 - Sunday 22 August 2010 1:17

YDI for being a babysitter that wears thongs, slut

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1299677 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 15:23

I think he likes you

Reply

person5625 | 1

#3173891 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 17:37

who wears a thong for babysitting

Reply

kbobcat | 0

#3353513 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 4:18

If the op was a guy and posted this, it would be so much better haha :)

Reply

awkward_gothlady | 32

#4820308 - Thursday 16 August 2012 6:15

Maybe that's just what she was wearing that day. How many people go around thinking, "well, my pants might get pulled down, so I'd better make sure I'm wearing the right kind of underwear just in case..."?

Reply

bbpgrs | 7

#5460483 - Monday 22 April 2013 23:01

says awkward goth lady

Reply

drunkmunkey | 24

#6118025 - Thursday 13 November 2014 23:41

pics or it didn't happen

By autophobe | 0

#78488 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

the dog did it on purpose. =P

By spankyness | 0

#78490 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:26

Dog has been trained well

Reply

z620 | 0

#926207 - Monday 8 March 2010 22:00

dog is a child molester detector

Reply

Tommananaze6T9 | 4

#2801580 - Saturday 2 July 2011 1:20

hahahaha

By Xarin | 0

#78491 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:28

[email protected] =)

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#78492 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:27

You're a girl, right?

Reply

malinbobbyypho | 0

#877690 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:59

yess,, she is; thankfulllyy

Reply

amandapandajones | 0

#2754898 - Saturday 25 June 2011 8:50

dip shit.

Reply

stuart169 | 3

#2983794 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:59

dude, a 13 year old girl just called you a dip-shit. you should slap that bitch.

By jack6179 | 0

#78494 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:28

well...........did you get paid more than you expected?

Reply

davidmechaly | 0

#958448 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 18:05

lawl

By pippysthename00 | 0

#78499 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:28

lol, #1.
and damn, that sucks...

By spankyness | 0

#78501 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:29

Dog has been trained well

By Arkvoodle | 0

#78508 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:30

YDI For wearing sweat pants in the first place

Reply

pizza_princess | 5

#6728538 - Tuesday 27 December 2016 6:30

what the fuck is wrong with you

By altkat | 3

#78509 - Friday 3 April 2009 2:32

That is unfortunate. FYL.