Miscellaneous: Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend,... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 08:47 - Canada

Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 310

You deserved it 3 657

Hiding from the drama

Age difference

Taking stock

By bieberslayer - 06/12/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 789

You deserved it 2 197

By Skido - 20/02/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 416

You deserved it 9 009

Reported!

By thatcreepyteacher - 17/02/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 725

You deserved it 1 414

By Jensa - 16/01/2015 21:59 - United Kingdom - Buckingham

Today, my mother kindly brought me some soup as was recovering from having my tonsils out. Spicy Mexican bean soup. Yep, very spicy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 883

You deserved it 2 539

By Dumbass - 20/06/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 602

You deserved it 3 706

Night terror

By Kira - 12/06/2021 04:01

Today, it was my first time sleeping at my boyfriend’s house. I happened to have an incredibly realistic nightmare in which I woke up to thousands of centipedes crawling all over my body. My boyfriend got to watch me scream and slap myself repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 81

Summertime sadness

By littl3storm - 09/06/2020 05:04

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 377

By Anonymous - 22/03/2012 20:17 - United States - Fresno

Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 227

You deserved it 26 073

By justwow - 21/03/2012 23:58 - United States - Fort George G Meade

Spicy

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 808

You deserved it 7 355

By Anonymous - 09/07/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 220

You deserved it 993

By tomuchtime - 02/06/2011 08:46

Spicy

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 767

You deserved it 43 691

By thelunarwolf - 02/03/2011 03:41

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 8 853

By lifesucks0925 - 06/09/2013 07:01 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I had to clean human excrement at work when the fitting room turned into the shitting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 700

You deserved it 2 808

By Sebastian20 - 08/05/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 255

You deserved it 15 588

By irony - 16/08/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 872

You deserved it 9 352

By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 02:53 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 2 193

By hes - 15/10/2013 10:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 271

You deserved it 4 374

Intense

By AloneAtPerkins - 21/12/2020 23:04

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and it started getting heated. I climbed on top of him and took his shirt off, but I guess my brain had a different idea. I ended up clinging to him for dear life because my brain decided that now was a good time for a seizure. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 501

You deserved it 92

By S. - 26/08/2012 16:20 - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 230

You deserved it 12 709

By Anonymous - 13/04/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 733

You deserved it 4 241

By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 21:54 - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 406

You deserved it 3 712

By chumpslolo - 25/07/2013 10:55 - United States - Vandalia

Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 492

You deserved it 3 967

By Ashlee - 15/02/2010 15:21 - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 374

You deserved it 7 786

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 00:38 - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 204

You deserved it 7 319

By Anonymous - 02/12/2018 15:30

Today, I learned after weeks of waiting that my order of vinyl siding had been shipped to a contractor in another state, who installed it without realizing it was the wrong style and color. I would have to wait weeks for a new shipment, except the manufacturer has discontinued it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 24/05/2012 19:23 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 215

You deserved it 4 721

Insanity

By Leroy - 05/10/2019 02:01 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend slapped me and dumped me because she thought I was gay, simply because I had to miss a date because one of my guy friends was in a car accident, and I went to see him at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 082

You deserved it 111

By toastedguy - 01/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 567

You deserved it 13 119

By grounded4life - 22/07/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 332

You deserved it 83 257

Le Epic Bacon

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 21:30

Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 1 169

By Etyl - 18/11/2011 10:49 - Indonesia

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 830

You deserved it 3 442

Knock next time please

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 21:32 - India

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 653

By Anonymous - 05/08/2015 14:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 882

You deserved it 4 982

By Z'ev - 05/04/2013 16:34 - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 395

You deserved it 10 004

By XLhottie - 06/06/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 134

You deserved it 22 985

By heartbroken - 08/02/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. -Mom" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 431

You deserved it 8 336

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

By t…… - 23/10/2021 11:00

Today, my coworkers were trying to teach me how to play a card game. There was one rule that I just couldn’t wrap my head around, even with three of my coworkers explaining it in different ways. It just didn’t make any sense whatsoever to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 121

By hungry - 12/02/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 608

You deserved it 3 485

Check this out

By Anonymous - 30/09/2018 12:00

Today, I had to run to put the trash out for the garbage truck, only I was so hungover, I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 2 641

Monster!

By lu… - 08/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 48

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:20

._. boy do you know how to pick them.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:48

She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.

Comments

M13LO 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:14

you should have got busy since she was already there

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Sunday 20 December 2009 18:42

You banged her afterwards, right?

keenanherlihy 0

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Monday 21 December 2009 7:08

i woulda

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Monday 15 February 2010 8:56

i wouldnt. craziness is a turn off for me. unless shes got some epic tits.

czarofandronia 0

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Sunday 1 August 2010 17:00

LMFAO U should get a restraining order on that chick

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 11:19

i agree

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Friday 5 August 2011 16:22

why if a guy does something like that he is a creeper or perv but it's perfectly ok for a bitch to do it?

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:16

furstttt

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:20

._. boy do you know how to pick them.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 22:05

lmao, agreed

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:20

scary ._.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:31

are you jesus? do you happen to work at a Record and Tape Traders?

greenltrn2003 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 23:32

well...of course. the bird is the word

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Monday 21 December 2009 9:39

LMFAO, thats what i was thinking : )

JustAReaderOfFml 4

Sunday 20 December 2009 16:32

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:37

of course it's an FML, I mean I guess he had a reason to break up with her and doesn't wanna have a relationship with her anymore, while she crazily does. but the really bad part about this is that she has a key... that's pretty creepy. if he does something she doesn't like she can sneak into his apartment and mess it up. you should've seen the crazy eyes though, so YDI! j/k FYL.

catastrophicsock 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 18:52

Hi. Please learn English/learn how to type. Thanks.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 19:27

Learn how to spell out words........

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:39

#5- first of all, learn how to spell secondly, your story did not happen to your friend, you took it straight from the movie Paranormal Activity

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:27

number 5 do you seriously think that was the fml?

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Friday 16 April 2010 20:22

um I don't understand ur story at all u confused the hell outta me

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Friday 23 July 2010 22:55

5, please stfu and get off the internet

Yaggi 0

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Tuesday 10 August 2010 21:19

#5 what you're referring to is the movie called paranormal activity.

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Friday 12 November 2010 14:39

LOL

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 3:19

I'd have to agree with 111. The use of "totes" not only made me want to give a courtesy chuckle, but it totes wanted me to join in and troll too.

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Sunday 29 May 2011 5:05

yeah I knew where it was going when he said micah

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Saturday 27 August 2011 15:27

5- O_O I sincerely hope you are not as pathetically retarded in real life.

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Sunday 12 February 2012 19:22

Nobody cares...?

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 7:46

I really just wanna take your keyboard and hit you in the urethra with it. That'll teach you to spell.

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Sunday 28 October 2012 22:34

WTF?!

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Friday 9 November 2012 1:55

Lulz Paranormal Activity.

flgirlwguitar 2

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:34

Shoulda changed the lock.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:44

LOL it's funny yet disturbing at the same time.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:48

She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:58

Lmfao.

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Monday 16 May 2011 5:33

dogs can't make sandwiches though

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Monday 16 May 2011 5:35

dogs can't make sandwiches though

sacman 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:50

what the christ?

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Monday 21 December 2009 0:51

pun intended?

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Sunday 20 December 2009 16:57

does she look like Meryl Streep? fatal attraction if I ever heard one. she isn't afraid of commitment, though. that's a plus

waterynuggets 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 17:11

Nah I think it would help more if she resembled Glenn Close.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 131

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 233

You deserved it 299