Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend,...

By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 08:47 - Canada

Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

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Miscellaneous

Whatthefuckaburger

Weird kid

Night terrors

By fuckface? I wish - 30/11/2013 20:29 - Australia - Diamond Beach

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2019 20:00

Today, I finally had the courage to break up with the father of my child. When I got to my parents' house, they were happy, but after explaining that I was going to spend more time with them, they called and told him that they don’t accept devolutions. FML

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By tjm - 23/12/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, after finally getting a job offer after months of unemployment, I found out that the person who was going to hire me got fired. Which means I'm not getting the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

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By Blerp - 22/1/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By grounded - 18/12/2011 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

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By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By hmdge1 - 10/6/2015 03:21 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out that my boss of 2 years not only doesn't know my name, but calls me "Jew hair" behind my back because of my natural ringlets. This man determines all of my career progression. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By YoungSmileBones - 15/8/2016 18:29 - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

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By Homeless - 9/3/2009 12:12 - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

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By proud parent - 21/5/2016 16:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

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11381

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By Stephanie - 14/7/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

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By jkin47 - 4/8/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

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By xsnqw - 19/1/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

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By u.p.i.c. - 2/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the smell of my own fart made me feel hungry. FML

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1079

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By tastetherainbow - 7/7/2013 10:55 - United States - Katy

Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the skittles into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By upset - 25/10/2016 00:08

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2018 04:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

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By Anomaly - 3/3/2015 02:43 - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

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By hairstylistprobs - 23/6/2015 03:13 - United States

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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By baddormgirl - 19/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

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By well okay then - 20/5/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

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By sorrygranny - 21/1/2013 16:11 - United States

Today, I was at the gas station with my grandma. After I slid her card and began to pump, I convinced her that it was a lot easier and more convenient to pay at the pump with your credit card instead of paying inside. She yelled as I realized I went $20 over what she had to spend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By colorblind - 5/7/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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By Not Supportive - 19/5/2019 16:06

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words killing, dying and death. I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - 7/2/2013 17:11 - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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11705

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By troubleintoyland - 24/12/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

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By GK - 8/5/2009 11:20 - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

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44760

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By panicked headaches - 7/12/2015 19:04 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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23284

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By a manly woman? - 9/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, a girl entered the public washroom I was washing my hands in. When she saw me, she stopped dead in her tracks. I then saw her go to the door to make sure she was actually in the girl's washroom. FML

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42017

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2014 03:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By Swivel - 7/6/2012 12:17 - Singapore

Today, after a spate of bad ones, I was in another job interview trying my hardest to give a good impression. After answering a few questions, I realized to my horror that while I was talking I was swiveling my chair from left to right like a nervous child. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 19:51 - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

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By fappy dog - 23/1/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By screewit - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

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By RedFace - 5/4/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML

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Top comments

By Rebecca1993 | 0

#728424 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:20

._. boy do you know how to pick them.

By xCrackerx | 3

#728488 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:48

She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.

COMMENTS

By M13LO | 0

#728413 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:14

you should have got busy since she was already there

powersmoke | 0

#728673 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:42

You banged her afterwards, right?

keenanherlihy | 0

#729484 - Monday 21 December 2009 7:08

i woulda

im_asian | 0

#857391 - Monday 15 February 2010 8:56

i wouldnt. craziness is a turn off for me. unless shes got some epic tits.

czarofandronia | 0

#1171519 - Sunday 1 August 2010 17:00

LMFAO
U should get a restraining order on that chick

Quinzel_fml | 0

#2778806 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 11:19

i agree

Bcfrmkc816 | 17

#3045449 - Friday 5 August 2011 16:22

why if a guy does something like that he is a creeper or perv but it's perfectly ok for a bitch to do it?

By kerrygirl | 13

#728418 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:16

furstttt

By Rebecca1993 | 0

#728424 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:20

._. boy do you know how to pick them.

jessxoxo28 | 5

#728879 - Sunday 20 December 2009 22:05

lmao, agreed

DizzyVulps | 0

#739213 - Sunday 27 December 2010 19:20

scary ._.

By yes_im_hater | 0

#728449 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:31

are you jesus? do you happen to work at a Record and Tape Traders?

greenltrn2003 | 0

#728976 - Sunday 20 December 2009 23:32

well...of course. the bird is the word

quotecentral | 0

#729602 - Monday 21 December 2009 9:39

LMFAO, thats what i was thinking : )

By JustAReaderOfFml | 4

#728453 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

KingAfter | 0

#728461 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:37

of course it's an FML, I mean I guess he had a reason to break up with her and doesn't wanna have a relationship with her anymore, while she crazily does. but the really bad part about this is that she has a key... that's pretty creepy. if he does something she doesn't like she can sneak into his apartment and mess it up.
you should've seen the crazy eyes though, so YDI!
j/k FYL.

catastrophicsock | 0

#728693 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:52

Hi. Please learn English/learn how to type. Thanks.

guy_whos_sad | 0

#728725 - Sunday 20 December 2009 19:27

Learn how to spell out words........

mrlucky4444 | 0

#728803 - Sunday 20 December 2009 20:39

#5- first of all, learn how to spell
secondly, your story did not happen to your friend, you took it straight from the movie Paranormal Activity

azhein | 0

#967525 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:27

number 5 do you seriously think that was the fml?

lagodfatha | 0

#980513 - Friday 16 April 2010 20:22

um I don't understand ur story at all u confused the hell outta me

Daemonknight | 0

#1130223 - Friday 23 July 2010 22:55

5, please stfu and get off the internet

Yaggi | 0

#1218826 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 21:19

#5 what you're referring to is the movie called paranormal activity.

kittydidit | 0

#1688314 - Friday 12 November 2010 14:39

LOL

Juliaa15 | 6

#1805771 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 3:19

I'd have to agree with 111. The use of "totes" not only made me want to give a courtesy chuckle, but it totes wanted me to join in and troll too.

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2582337 - Sunday 29 May 2011 5:05

yeah I knew where it was going when he said micah

Bizenghastly | 0

#3189088 - Saturday 27 August 2011 15:27

5- O_O I sincerely hope you are not as pathetically retarded in real life.

tifani322 | 13

#4025936 - Sunday 12 February 2012 19:22

Nobody cares...?

Hershey903 | 5

#4758102 - Wednesday 1 August 2012 7:46

I really just wanna take your keyboard and hit you in the urethra with it.
That'll teach you to spell.

kdog333 | 1

#5092221 - Sunday 28 October 2012 22:34

WTF?!

mahna_fml | 3

#5129026 - Friday 9 November 2012 1:55

Lulz Paranormal Activity.

By flgirlwguitar | 2

#728457 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:34

Shoulda changed the lock.

By watchasay71 | 4

#728479 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:44

LOL it's funny yet disturbing at the same time.

By xCrackerx | 3

#728488 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:48

She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.

Rebecca1993 | 0

#728509 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:58

Lmfao.

jake040 | 3

#2516953 - Monday 16 May 2011 5:33

dogs can't make sandwiches though

jake040 | 3

#2516970 - Monday 16 May 2011 5:35

dogs can't make sandwiches though

By sacman | 0

#728491 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:50

what the christ?

Tigg3r | 3

#729070 - Monday 21 December 2009 0:51

pun intended?

By snafu57 | 1

#728508 - Sunday 20 December 2009 16:57

does she look like Meryl Streep? fatal attraction if I ever heard one. she isn't afraid of commitment, though. that's a plus

waterynuggets | 0

#728533 - Sunday 20 December 2009 17:11

Nah I think it would help more if she resembled Glenn Close.