The first time we met and Money: Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came... - FML

By TooGulible - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

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The first time we met

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Messed up

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By Derek Lee - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

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By urgg - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

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By MrsGrinch

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

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By sadkid - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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By smoker - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML

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By welp - United States - Grass Lake

Today, I worked a short shift at work, getting sent home early because it was slow. In the time I was gone, my family decided surprise me by rearranging my room and put in my new desk. They also surprised me when I learned that they'd spilled a slushie on my very expensive computer. FML

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By cockblockedbyFB - United States - San Antonio

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

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By Username

Today, at work, my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said "What's up bitch? What are you going to complain about now?!" It was actually my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

You did ask…

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

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By jdch_99 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He wants us to stay friends, though, so he can continue to use my coffee maker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

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By happy birthday to me - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

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By Dopeydancer - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

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By Jobless - United States

Today, my 16 yr old cousin needed help making a job resume so I give him mine to see as an example. He changed my name to his and it got him a job right away. The sad part? I handed my resume out to about 30 places and I am still unemployed. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By MJjunior - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By Sorrymom

Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Bad sandwich, bad week

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I was at work for almost two hours today before realizing I had marinara sauce on my face. My coworkers didn’t say anything because I’m really clumsy and they figured it was blood, and therefore not unusual. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 05:01

With friends like these…

Today, I told my “best friend” that I'd tested positive for COVID-19. She told me to “chill”. Ten years of friendship and she didn’t even ask if I was OK. FML

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By Why

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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By good job brain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a job interview. I was asked what my dream job would be. I blurted out, "The president, because I think it's a very cool and important job." I don't think I'm getting this one. FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#6649014 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:36

I bet he had it planned the whole time.

By warrior2 | 20

#6649013 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:35

He must be cold-hearted!

COMMENTS

By warrior2 | 20

#6649013 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:35

He must be cold-hearted!

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6649422 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 22:26

I see princess and pumpkin

By cacheson | 41

#6649014 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:36

I bet he had it planned the whole time.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#6649696 - Thursday 14 July 2016 6:49

Sounds like a tactic for a charming sociopath...

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6652194 - Monday 18 July 2016 6:58

He walks a rocky road.

By ThLast_Huntr22 | 7

#6649017 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:48

Ydi for not paying attention

By Catdragon | 40

#6649020 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:55

You just got played

By Malsain_fml | 10

#6649022 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:56

Off course you did not get a date. He would have to pay the ice cream otherwise.

By jesterinperil | 28

#6649024 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:58

This stone-cold stunner must have been a pretty great cone-artist to pull off a heist of this size.

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6649025 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 9:01

Isn't it wonderful when people use others' weaknesses/insecurities to get ahead and take advantage of them?

Reply

Solsticee | 7

#6649411 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 22:05

Wait, insecurity? It was them who was making use of their good looks.

By anonymoususer070 | 17

#6649031 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 9:13

How does getting a compliment distract you from doing a simple job? Sorry OP, at least you lucked out, seems like he's a jerk to purposely do that to you! Better luck next time with an honest man :)

Reply

scyth3s | 13

#6649208 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 15:10

You must not spend a lot of time around others if you don't understand that positive attention ( or even negative attention) can be quite distracting to those who crave it.

Reply

anonymoususer070 | 17

#6649281 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 17:22

So because when I'm at work since compliments don't distract me from doing my job I must not spend a lot of time around people? No, some of work jobs that if we let that happen we get fired.

By KoiTheKewlKid | 20

#6649060 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 9:53

I scream, you scream, the police show up

Reply

ImagineCrazy | 27

#6649461 - Thursday 14 July 2016 0:04

I scream, you scream, the police come, it's awkward*

By gracehi | 31

#6649072 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:11

You got played like a duck of cards, girl.

Reply

newzealand | 28

#6649091 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:35

Quack!