The first time we met and Money: Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came... - FML

By TooGulible - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

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The first time we met

Taking stock

Instadrama

Serious times

By tlowbrim - 18/11/2020 02:02

We live in a society

Today, I'm working retail where masks are mandatory. A gentleman comes in with his mask below his chin. I politely say, "Hey dude, if you’re gonna shop here I'm going to need you to keep that mask on properly", to which he replies, "Fuck you, you stupid little bitch." FML

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By LilPie - United States - Fort Washington

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML

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By peachezthelette - 12/4/2021 20:00

Health? Care? Never

Today, my job threatened to fire me because I left work early. I left because I can't sit, stand, lay down or walk due to back pain. I went to my doctor after leaving work and turns out I have a herniated disc. My job still doesn't care, and my job is now in jeopardy. FML

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By NotDrunk - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was pulled over by a policeman. He thought I was drunk, after doing the "walk in a straight line" test and the "finger-to-nose" test. It wasn't until after I got a fine that I got it through to him that I have cerebellar ataxia, and that I wasn't drunk. FML

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By diablo

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

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By gutsforme - New Zealand

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

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By pancaketits - United States - Havertown

Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By maddiebauer - United States - Plainfield

Today, my mom once again commented on how I need to work out. It has come to the point that I now walk around in exercise clothes and have a bottle of water/fake sweat to put on, just so she thinks I work out. This is how lazy I am. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By edgyasfuck23 - United States - Blairsville

Today, I was hiking with my uncle. We were going down a slope, and I kept slipping. He jokingly pushed me just as we approached a big drop. I ended up with three fractured ribs. FML

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By esb - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

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By Anonymous

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

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By My eyes were on the prize

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

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By blaise - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By trice - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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By rileynautumn - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

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By outsmartedbykids - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

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By stoggie96 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

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By GreaseNose

Shorty-Greasy Spot-Spot

Today, while studying with the girl I like, I rested my face on my book, pretending to be frustrated. When I lifted my head, I realized I'd left a greasy spot on the page from my nose. She noticed. FML

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By catlady - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

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By fatmom - United Kingdom - Royal Tunbridge Wells

Today, I came home from work to find my son and his friends attempting to find out how many of them could fit into one of my pairs of pants. So far, five. FML

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By laydeegaga

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

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By LukeyBoy - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the road when a twat on a quad-bike smashed into my leg. It seems that I should've been "walking on the right side of the pavement." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Rugby

Dating is hell

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By thanks sis - 3/7/2020 05:02

Role model

Today, I went over to visit my sister. She had a bunch of pictures of me on her wall. I thought it was sweet, but a bit odd. Turns out she looks at pictures of me to motivate herself whenever she doesn’t feel like working out. FML

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By If IQs could be negative... - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

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By thairsha - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#6649014 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:36

I bet he had it planned the whole time.

By warrior2 | 20

#6649013 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:35

He must be cold-hearted!

COMMENTS

By warrior2 | 20

#6649013 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:35

He must be cold-hearted!

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6649422 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 22:26

I see princess and pumpkin

By cacheson | 41

#6649014 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:36

I bet he had it planned the whole time.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#6649696 - Thursday 14 July 2016 6:49

Sounds like a tactic for a charming sociopath...

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6652194 - Monday 18 July 2016 6:58

He walks a rocky road.

By ThLast_Huntr22 | 7

#6649017 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:48

Ydi for not paying attention

By Catdragon | 40

#6649020 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:55

You just got played

By Malsain_fml | 10

#6649022 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:56

Off course you did not get a date. He would have to pay the ice cream otherwise.

By jesterinperil | 28

#6649024 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 8:58

This stone-cold stunner must have been a pretty great cone-artist to pull off a heist of this size.

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6649025 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 9:01

Isn't it wonderful when people use others' weaknesses/insecurities to get ahead and take advantage of them?

Reply

Solsticee | 7

#6649411 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 22:05

Wait, insecurity? It was them who was making use of their good looks.

By anonymoususer070 | 17

#6649031 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 9:13

How does getting a compliment distract you from doing a simple job? Sorry OP, at least you lucked out, seems like he's a jerk to purposely do that to you! Better luck next time with an honest man :)

Reply

scyth3s | 13

#6649208 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 15:10

You must not spend a lot of time around others if you don't understand that positive attention ( or even negative attention) can be quite distracting to those who crave it.

Reply

anonymoususer070 | 17

#6649281 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 17:22

So because when I'm at work since compliments don't distract me from doing my job I must not spend a lot of time around people? No, some of work jobs that if we let that happen we get fired.

By KoiTheKewlKid | 20

#6649060 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 9:53

I scream, you scream, the police show up

Reply

ImagineCrazy | 27

#6649461 - Thursday 14 July 2016 0:04

I scream, you scream, the police come, it's awkward*

By gracehi | 31

#6649072 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:11

You got played like a duck of cards, girl.

Reply

newzealand | 28

#6649091 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:35

Quack!